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PhD and relationships

F

Quote From TreeofLife:
I think I said that having the opportunity to do a PhD indicates that someone has probably had a decent upbringing, meaning that there's many people who could do a PhD or have a great job but events in their life have meant that they haven't been able to fulfil their potential.


But also surely there's people who simply choose not to do a PhD because they find no fulfilment in it? I mean, can we really say that their potential is unfulfilled if they've chosen not do a PhD? My father chose not to go to university when he was young and he is one of the most intelligent and happy people I've ever met - hardly someone I'd refer to as unfulfilled potential.

T

Quote From frere_damas:
[quote]
But also surely there's people who simply choose not to do a PhD because they find no fulfilment in it? I mean, can we really say that their potential is unfulfilled if they've chosen not do a PhD? My father chose not to go to university when he was young and he is one of the most intelligent and happy people I've ever met - hardly someone I'd refer to as unfulfilled potential.


I know not everyone has a desire to have a PhD. That's why I said 'or have a great job'. I could have said 'or learnt to paint/play the piano/speak French/climb Everest' or what ever else it is they wanted to do. I'm thinking about the many people I know that spend too much time drinking or taking drugs and have no job and when they do get a job they can't keep it because they are incapable of doing so because of the things that have happened in their lives. People that are far more intelligent than me. That is unfulfilled potential.

B



As for the earlier jargon comment by the post originator. My rule is this: If you're an author and you're misunderstood then it's your fault and not the readers. Same would apply to the use of jargon in conversations. If I was to start using psychological terms in everyday conversations I would just end up annoying people, not intimidating them.


This reminds me of when I first started my PhD and I thought I was something special, I was dating a guy (granted not a very nice one), who got so sick of my boasting and constant dominating of conversations about my PhD, he said to me "why are you talking down to people all the time? Right now you're on a scholarship that's less than minimum wage!"

A

Some interesting narratives!

When I think about my own experiences, while not in a romantic sense, I've generally actively avoided engaging with academics from hard sciences like biology, physics and maths. The reason behind this is at the few mixers of which I've attended, a number of the academics I met in these areas were very condescending towards me and my work. The minute I state that I work in the social sciences, my scholarship (despite not asking me anything about what my focus is or what I even do in the social sciences!) is rendered invalid and uninteresting. Comments like 'oh you're from the arts' or 'oh, that's cute' can be quite frustrating and very dismissive, and the conversation either shuts down, or they continue to talk about their work.

This is of course is not a reflection on anyone on this forum or broader, it's just the few experiences I've had that could also be limited to the university that I work at. I'm genuinely interested in the work of hard sciences and make a point to ask about their work and engage thoughtfully (though I'll be honest and admit I may not have a clear understanding of what they do in the pure scientific sense).

So if I were to reflect on my own biases and was single, I'd probably avoid dating academics in those areas based on those social interactions that have negatively coloured my perceptions. In saying that though, I've always had delightful conversations with academics in disciplines like geology, astronomy and meteorology and surprisingly to myself, engineering.

So I think that even academically, dating 'like-minded' people may not always work out, because even across different disciplines there are varying degrees of social hierarchies.

F

Quote From awsoci:

When I think about my own experiences, while not in a romantic sense, I've generally actively avoided engaging with academics from hard sciences like biology, physics and maths. The reason behind this is at the few mixers of which I've attended, a number of the academics I met in these areas were very condescending towards me and my work. The minute I state that I work in the social sciences, my scholarship (despite not asking me anything about what my focus is or what I even do in the social sciences!) is rendered invalid and uninteresting. Comments like 'oh you're from the arts' or 'oh, that's cute' can be quite frustrating and very dismissive, and the conversation either shuts down, or they continue to talk about their work.


Straying off topic a bit, you should read an article called "Death and Furniture" by Edwards, Ashmore & Potter (1995) for a deliberately sassy reply to that kind of attitude. It's not going to get you a romantic partner, but at least you'll have something to say back to the condescending attitude!

I've got it as a .pdf if anyone wants it. Yeah great stuff!

I remember a while back saying something along the lines of because I'd spent an extended portion of my life in higher education or academia (in research) I'd find it very difficult to have a lasting relationship with, say, someone who'd left school at 16. I was quickly corrected by someone who'd gone through PhD, but whose husband had left school at 16 and was a carpenter or something similar (?).

My take is it's all to do with how well you can relate to someone. Obviously, the lady who corrected me and her husband related very well to each other and all the best to them for that.

However, I still feel going through the ringer in education and academia does in many cases alter our hot wiring. Many of us have been through PhD and having had those experiences, how many can honestly say we're the same person as we were at 16 or even when we finished our first degrees? We then run into mates who left school say at 16 and gone straight into work, and whilst we can have a few beers and a bit of banter, sooner or later unless there is other common ground then differences eventually show through. Similarly, someone above said as a social scientist, she tended to avoid people with science, engineering and technology backgrounds - even though they were on the same educational level, there was a gulf between them.

It's not a case of "because I've an education, I'm better than you". That's utter bollocks and an arrogance I don't like. There's plenty ordinary people lived fulfilled lives without that "education". It's simply that our experiences change us in different ways and the common ground we need to form a lasting relationship will shift and change with that.

It's not necessarily education that causes changes and thus what we want out of a partner. There are other things that can form common ground such as hobbies, travel or (a no no for some) work.

Ian

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