A bit down...
Does anyone else here feel completely isolated in their university?
I feel like a bit of an idiot, walking around campus, going to the library, campus shop, getting the bus home...and not actually knowing anybody!
I mean, you see the regular library staff faces, university security staff, and occasionally the supervisor, but I don't actually know anyone else at the uni, mainly because I spend so much time with my boyfriend at home when I'm not studying.
I just feel like anyone that I do know are really just acquaintances and not actually REAL friends who I can go and have a coffee with, or moan with about the work.
It worries me because I feel that I have missed out on the 'start of term' networking things that might have gone on - I wouldn't know if there was anything like this anyway, because I started my course later than most people.
I'm not the most confident person in the world - it takes me a little while to feel comfortable in my skin around new people. People might think that I am confident when meeting me, but I don't really feel like I am being myself. I haven't always felt like this. It's probably just because it's been a while since I had a real buddy to meet up with, and I suppose the ability to make new friends is almost like playing an instrument: you have to keep practising - or you lose it.
:-(
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Hello Cobweb,
yeh, you are not alone, I think every one is like that and they pretend to be confident. No one really knows how the others feeling cause every body are thinking of themselves.
Well, in my department, we have an office of 30 desks, and we are all the same age PhD students, but strangely no one talks with each other, or even knows their name.
There was a girl at desk in front of mine, I see her everyday and she sees me every day, it is about three years we see each other in the PhD office, can you believe that one day I went to her lab because I wanted something, and she did not know am working in the lab next to her lab ? and that we see each other in the office every day!!! she told me are you new here? what are you looking for? I was like what is wrong with people, I just don't get it.
Since am international student, it is a bit more difficult for me to be friend with others, although I tried very hard, but it is not working, something which makes me so curious why the English people (with all my respect to everyone here) in my place also don't interact, no one in my place talk to another one or made friendship, what is the reason?
if I was in my country, and we were all in the same room, it would be like every one will know everyone, every one greet the whole room when they come in the morning, we all go to house invitations of each others, I just find it very strange the way people interact here. of course too much mixing is not good either because it has a lot of downside, but the loneliness here is extreme !
I have spent the last four years like that, and most of the PhD students in my school, why? I don't know.
what do you think is the reason? cause i really can not work it out and for me it is extra weird that two people from the same country, same background, working in the same area can not be friends?
Hi Cobweb!
I definitely feel the same! I've always been a very social person and generally find it quite easy to meet people but for some reason, in a PhD setting it just hasn't happened. I think a lack of lectures, group projects etc as well as the majority of PhD students not being local or living in the same proximity just makes it really difficult to meet people as easily as it has been before. In all honesty, even the start of term networking events aren't that great, as the few people I did manage to speak to either weren't starting their course until January or were never to be seen again! And I know what you mean about wanting someone to go for coffee with or something, as spending a whole day not speaking to anyone is really strange, especially when surrounded by undergrads and their 20 lunch buddies!
I don't have much to suggest but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone!
It may sound daft but are there any societies you could join? I know that you might not have too much spare time and a lot are pretty undergrad orientated but if there's a postgrad association or something that could be a good way to find people in a similar position? I'm actually in the process of trying to set one up, although I accept that's a pretty extreme solution...!
I think I know what you mean. I also spend a lot of my spare time with my partner (or talking to him on the phone) and I know that if I was single I would be socialising more, so I feel left out sometimes. At the same time I know that I need to nurture my relationship with my partner otherwise that will just go down the drain. I feel that there is a fair amount of luck involved when meeting new people and often people will just stay acquaintances and not become real friends, especially when everyone is really busy and/or under pressure. I think one compounding factor is that as a PhD student you are technically a student, but it is rather like a professional job, in that the work relationships you build need to function on a day to day basis. On the one hand I feel like socialising more with people in my group/department, but then I feel I "just" want to maintain a professional relationship that is separate from my social life. Often in academia friends and colleagues are also rivals/competitors and I find that a bit hard to deal with sometimes.
Hi,
Yes I feel the same way. But to be honest, I have given up trying to do anything about it now. Maybe everyone else is the same!
This is a problem when it affects work, since networking is so important for career research success. I have resigned myself to just not being able to do it.
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I have attended a course about stress management, and one of the most common issues in the PhD apparently is this feeling of loneliness and how it leads to extra stress. They have made a survey and it was shown that the feeling of isolation and loneliness is universal and it is one of the challenges of PhD which students need to overcome.
I joined a hiking society, and it helped a bit, also you can ask some one you like to have a coffee, am sure everyone is in your situation and they will be happy that someone asked them.
With our limited abilities, we can help too sometimes .
You aren't alone here. I share an office with 8 other PhD students, and we only ever really talk to each other if we want help with something. I'm lucky though because before I moved to this office, I shared one with just one other person and we became quite good friends. I also go to uni in the area I grew up in and so I have all my old school friends and so on, so don't feel the need to brach out and find anyone new.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was more in response to Emcollins. You said you were thinking of setting up a postgrad network group. My friend (mentioned above) and I set one up in our first year... well he set it up and I've taken over as the "chairperson", and it's been quite good, but it is difficult to round up other PhDers who actually want to meet up. I'd say go for it though. We now get funding from our research council, publish a quarterly bulletin, and run an annual research conference. It's fab for your CV if you do set one up. We still have difficulty rounding up the troops but always find that new faces want to join... even if it's just so they can go for coffee with someone. Plus, its a lot easier to organise social things if you know you have an established group there. I think it's a really good idea.
Also, have you thought of joining any student groups, such as a sports club? This can be an excellent way to meet new people, as well as being a vent from all the PhDness.
I hope all goes well. Chin up!
:-)
Someone - i totally agree. am well travelled and i can say that the English people are the most unhappy and unfriendly people i have come across in the world. i have been here for more than ten years and am not surprised by the suicide rates and drug addiction in this country. why can't people just talk? they wouldn't need to kill themselves or drug themselves if they did.
J.
:-) apologies to the English for my honest thoughts.. some things need to be said.
Cobweb - try international students. they have a different attitude. you'll be surprised how many friends you make in a day. just say 'hi .. are you at the uni of x? what are you studying? ..." everything will flow from there. you will have more coffees than you can handle and more than enough people to moan at. my problem is actually the opposite. i try to limit my numbers to be able to work.
that said, am sure there are good and friendly english people out there.. but its more work with them.
don't allow people to beat up your confidence. you are confident. don't let unfriendly people make you think otherwise.
best.(up)
Wow. I didn't know that so many people felt the same about this.
I've thought about getting involved in 'outside' things. The local school are putting on a musical so, I thought I would offer a helping hand with that. That would get me interacting a bit more with people of all different ages and would be a bit of fun (and something to take my mind of everything else!). But still, again, that's not getting in with the social circles that I need to be in.
I've thought about joining the gym - but again, that's quite an isolated hobbie to do, even if keeping fit makes my brain feel all happy and warm.
I would love to join a society, but it's quite tough to just turn up to one when you have nobody to turn up with (!) and people look at you like you're the new kid in the class. (I must overcome this. I must overcome this and just say to myself "bugger it! I'm just gonna walk in there and join that damn society!"
We've all gotta start somewhere I suppose).
It's strange, but you're so right about the English.
I'm English myself, but it's one of those things that always really gets to me. It's quite a relief that others have also noticed this. Perhaps the English are very distrustful and dubious of new people, I don't know.
I'm starting a new job tomorrow and about 90% of the staff are non-english - I'm really looking forward to that - there's a really good mix of people there. The manager told me that in her experience, whenever there was a majority of a particular nationality working in the restaurant, that group were always the most rude and bitchy, so the company have purposfully mixed it up a bit.
I know you can't say that for all situations, but it's funny isn't it. Perhaps it's not the English after all.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Thanks for all your advice. If this isolated feeling is quite common among research students, then I think I will make it my challenge to not be isolated, knowing that if it all fails, I won't be alone in my retreat back to the isolated researcher's way of life.
P.s I've given y'all some stars for ya help! x
Hi Cobweb
I also don't know anyone at uni, and never have, as have been part-time all the way through my undergrad and masters degrees, so never made those connections with people. In the uni dept I'm in, there are cliques of students who talk to each other, but they're not welcoming to outsiders. I've gotten used to this and try and make friends outside of uni, which is good anyway, as it gives me other things to talk about. I network etc at conferences and events and so try and build up professional connections that way, but don't worry about other students too much.
Good that you've decided to join a society! Just walk in, do it once, and see how it goes! I joined a tennis club recently, went a couple of times, got sick of being ignored by women who'd only talk about their husbands and kids and so I left, but I gave it a go! And now know that I can overcome fears of joining a new group, I just need to find the right one. Good luck in your quest!
Hi Cobweb and everyone
I feel the same kind of isolation too. I just started my PhD at the start of October so am still trying to find my feet, but it does seem really hard to start those conversations that can lead to friendships and so on.
I'm in a large research office - there's usually about 20 or 30 PhDers in on any one day but many more than that altogether, so there's always different people - but it's not very welcoming. It's a hot-desking system but people who've been there longer have established their own areas so new people just have to fit in around other people's piles of books and things, it means I usually end up sitting a long way away from anyone else and never get to break into the established groups, especially as everyone works in silence so you can't just chat to anyone. There's a weekly meet-up for coffee and biscuits but it's so dominated by a small clique of people who are in their final year that it's really off-putting, they just talk over new people with silly in-jokes that they don't bother to explain, and I kind of resent feeling like I have to learn their jokes and fit in with them when they don't bother making any effort to include new people. Maybe I should try harder, but it feels like too much of an investment of my time when I'm feeling pressure to make some progress on my own research!
That sounds very negative. I have met three or four people who I always say hello to, so I guess as time goes by that will expand to more people or develop into deeper relationships. Maybe it's just such a different environment to any other environment I've ever been in? My Masters degree gave a natural structure for meeting people - we were in class together and talked about assignments, and that developed into friendships - and I've spent the last 12 years working, where you naturally get to know your colleagues through working together. The isolation of a PhD is very weird and working in silence is taking a lot of getting used to - I like it, I get a lot done, but it's just so so weird!
It's good to have found this forum, I hope I'll get to know the people here a bit better anyway.....
Hello ALL,
Do you have a hiking or walking society in your Uni? I have joined one and it is very useful in finding friends, you only have to walk and the talk just comes in naturally because as you walk in a nice area and for long hours you tend to talk about subjects and people just join in.
Also, if your university organise trips to other cities go to these trips, in my first year I went alone to Oxford with my university travel society, then there was some one alone, I asked if they know where the bus exactly stops, we stayed at the trip together and became friends afterwards.
Hope this help.
It's so strange reading other peoples experiences... especially of sharing an office. I said before that I share an office with about 8 others. I didn't mention the fact that I'm the only one who ever really comes in on a day to day basis. I'll quite often have this huuuugggeee office to myself. It's a running joke with other uni staff, who will come in and say "Geez, its busy in here today. Can't move for all the people".
We have a hot desking system too, but considering the amount of time I spend in the office, I've nabbed a nice corner for myself, where I keep all my books and papers, and have put pictures up, etc. It seems silly to clear away all my stuff every night just incase for whatever reason I come in the next day and EVERYONE is there needing a desk. I know it won't happen.
I quite like having the office to myself though. It gets too noisy when more people come in, especially those who come in to just use the phone. Some people have no consideration for others. It annoys me. I'd be perfectly happy having an office to myself. Maybe I'm just anti-social though.
