Hi,

I am just finished my 1st year in a phd in an area I loved as an undergrad. However, a mixture of personal problems meant that I spent a lot of my first year struggling with depression. Combine this with a supervisor who was not very present/supportive has left me feeling completely behind at the end of my first year. It is a 4 year structured phd so I know there is a lot of time left but I still feel really inadequate. Everytime I sit down to read the literature I feel all this tension and stress over the fact that there is so much I don't know. Its preventing me from actually getting any quality work done. My lab work is not too bad, I'm fairly on track with that luckily. My main problem is reading. I constantly feel like everyone around me has a much better knowledge of the area and at this stage I'm just struggling.

I feel like at any moment someone is going to realize that I haven't done enough work. My supervisor knows that I had some personal issues (no specifics) but he isn't really present a lot and to be honest he may as well not be there. I think in about 3 months I haven't seen him or gotten an email to see how I'm doing.

Feeling very isolated and I've had many thoughts of quitting. Any advice?

hey cleancotton,

unlike undergraduate days that revolve around exams, grades and competition between students in wanting to be the best, the arena of postgrads is very different.

there are no grades here, no competition against each other. each postgrad is fighting his own war. :)

u gotta let it go cotton. stop comparing yourself with others. in reading, focus on what u *need* to know to move forward and ignore everything else.

a wise man once told me that in doing your phd, it doesn't matter who has the most knowledge. knowledge by itself is not power. it's only a potential. what makes it powerful is how you use that knowledge.

can you contribute to the community?
can you make the world a better place? hehe yeah...
can you help people to do things better?

the late buckminster fuller made one research breakthrough after another, not because he aimed to be the most knowledgeable person.
instead, he made it his mission to use whatever he has, or know, to helping others.

get my drift? :)

Hi Cleancotton,

No specific advice really, I just wanted to say that you are definitely not alone in feeling this way! I had a very similar experience in my first year (also had a bout of depression/anxiety), and I think you'd be surprised at how common this is. I mention it a lot on here but there is a thing called 'imposter syndrome' that I think a lot of PhD students suffer from - it is basically the feeling that you are not good enough to do a PhD and you are just waiting for someone to find you out. I felt this way through the majority of my PhD, but guess what, I made it to the end and passed earlier this year with minor corrections. I had ZERO self-belief and was genuinely surprised when my examiners didn't rip my thesis to shreds. Do some searching on this forum and you'll find plenty of similar stories.

I have no idea how to stop feeling this way as I never managed it, but it is completely normal to suffer from self-doubt and I just wanted to say that it will get better (I never felt super confident about my work but I did gradually feel less inadequate as time went on and nobody kicked me off the PhD!!). Can you speak to your supervisor about your worries? I know you say they are pretty incommunicative but could you ask them how they see your progress? At my uni I had to do a report in order to pass my 1st year - did you do this? If so, then I presume you passed so this should help to give you more confidence! There is lots of time for you to increase your knowledge so please try not to panic about lack of progress. My first year I didn't seem to learn anything but I made a huge amount of progress in my 2nd year. I tried to set myself goals, e.g. read 3 new papers per week, just so that I could prove to myself that I had achieved something each week. Write a list of what you need to do each day/week/month - ticking things off a list feels really satisfying!

Good luck with it all, and please post on here again if you are struggling - everyone on here is really helpful and full of good advice.

Being in research is partly about realising how much you don't know. For sure you need to make sure that people know about the issues you've been having and make sure you're using all the available resources.

Thank you for the replies. It means a lot. I have heard of imposter syndrome a couple of times now but I guess I sorta think its not applicable to me. Like some people get imposter syndrome because they mistakenly think they're not good enough. But I feel like I'm actually not good enough. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling?!

I think a lot of my problems at the moment stem from the fact that I feel like I can't catch up. So when I try to read I get stressed out and upset...

maybe u feel that way because u're trying to absorb everything. what exactly do u need for ur research? list them down and tackle one question at a time.

example?
i want to know *everything* about immunology. <= very subjective, u can never catch up.

i want to know these things about immunology <= more objective, better chance of catching up.
1. definition
2. simplest mechanism
3. top 3 main problems and solutions.

emotions can be very subjective. sometimes, by making the challenge very objective u can persuade the heart to feel differently.

Thanks. I will try that. I just keep getting overwhelmed, it's actually a really physical feeling of getting wound up and stressed out. I know it's stupid and counter productive but I can't seem to overcome it. But I will try breaking everything down into smaller chunks like you say. I have always had trouble wrapping my head around a lot of information. I'm great with details and problems but my memory struggles with large volumes of information. I guess it's my weak point

When you say it's a structured PhD, does that mean there are taught elements? If so, is there any way you could complete some of those credits to get you back into the swing of successfully completing tasks? Or are there small tasks needing to be done that would be easy wins, that you could do to help you regain a sense that you're getting somewhere?

Yes there are taught elements and I have completed quite a lot of these. As I have said my labwork and practical work is not going too badly. I guess I've just reached a point where I feel like I am not good enough. I had to write a report recently and my supervisor strongly criticised my work and it has knocked my confidence a bit. I also have a performance review coming up soon and I guess I feel like I'll crumble under questioning because my background knowledge is not good enough. So every time I read up on it I start to panic a bit and get upset. It's ridiculous

there are many ways to handle this iA.

u could organize the information with a mind map etc.
u could learn it in stages. always start with the simplest/general version and then build up from there. (hull's effect)
u could draw cartoons to lessen the anxiety. :)
u could focus on the general pattern of the large information. (systemic thinking)

what do u enjoy doing? if u love watching CSI, maybe u could try reading the info during the commercial breaks, just to recondition ur mind to be less anxious of the subject.

I really enjoy reading novels, I don't know if its possible to incorporate that. I will try making a mind map and take the other advice on board. To be honest it's nice to have just gotten it off my mind. Really appreciate all the advice!