Hi everyone,
My dad just rang to tell me that last night my grandmother died. We had been expecting it, she has had Alzheimers for about 8 years, and spent the past two weeks in hospital following a collapse at the home where she lives, and I went to see her in hospital last week. The thing is, this Sunday I am due to fly to San Francisco for an academic conference. Its the largest in my subject area (ISA), highly prestigious and difficult to get accepted as a PhD student unless you are invited to be on a panel (my supervisor asked me to participate). Should I stay for the funeral or go to the conference? My dad (it was his mother) presumes I am still going, but I don't think I should, even though my Uni has paid a lot of money for me to go and like I said, I only got in because my Supervisor arranged it.
What would you do? I'm in my 2nd year if that changes anything.

Sorry to hear about your grandma sleepyhead. Don't worry about the money side of things, the university should have travel insurance (if they don't they should be shot!) so don't let that influence you.

Does this conference happen yearly or only every few years or is it a one-off?

It really is up to you, maybe talk it over with your dad. I don't think anyone on here will want to say to you to stay or go.

I had the exact same thing with my grandad (cancer) and I chose to go to the conference.

I justified it, because I had seen him a lot before his death, and in my own way made peace with the fact he was not going to make it, so we got the chance to say anything that needed said

I have no regrets about not going to the funeral -

The only thing for you, is how you will cope not being there? funerals are more about family and being together to support each other through hard times etc. But in long term illnesses it isn't as bad and with some illnesses it can be a releif that the suffering is over.

I would say - in my opinion - if you can cope with not being there and your family are happy with that, then you should go to the conference - I'm sure your grandmother wouldn't want you to miss anything career wise because of her?

On the other hand everyone has to deal with death and I'm sure your supervisor will understand if you decide to go to the funeral

S

I am so sorry for your loss. My grandfather died unexpectedly last yeat and it is very painful. If I had this choice, I would have forfeited the conference, but my grandparents practically brought me up, and Grandad was more like a parent. As his death was sudden, I was in shock and wouldnt have even been able to attend a conference anyway. You sound more prepared. What I do know, is that if I had been in that situation, I know he would have wanted me to go.

Sorry, had to split this - keeps saying message is too big!


Everyone's circumstances are different, it sounds like your gran was poorly for a long time and that her death was "expected". I bet she would be really proud of you for going to the conference. Ultimately it is down to you, but others have given some great advice. Consider if the conference is a yearly thing - will there be a chance for you to go again under the auspices of the University? Talk to your family, but most of all, look after yourself. That is what my Grandad said to me the night he died, and I'm sure your gran would say the same to you. Take care.

I would go if it were me. The important thing was to see her before she died and you did that. If you family were really eager for you to go and needed your support that might be different - but if they are understanding I would keep to your plans. Perhaps you could visit them soon after and visit the grave.

I would go to the conference, I am sure your grandma would have been proud of you, and then when you get back you can go and visit her grave and tell her all about it. I'm sure your relatives would understand. Best wishes.

Depends on your beliefs and your feelings and how you think your family will cope without you. Personally, I would go to the conference - you showed how much you cared for her when she was alive and if you're not religious, then perhaps say a 'goodbye' in your head or alone when the funeral is happening.

I don't think you need to be in a particular place to say a goodbye... I'd suggest going to the conference as once you finish your PhD, get a job and are successful, you can support your family more and I think your Gran would be proud of you...

agree. but either way you shouldnot feel bad about your choice. You don't necessary have to follow the "conventional way" of doing "the right thing". You can pay tribute to your grandma some other time; or go to another good conference next year.

I think you should go although it is a very personal thing and only you can really decide. If you and your family are happy for you to go, then do it. What you may be able to do, depending on the time of the funeral, is take some time out at that time and reflect on your grandmother's life and what she meant to you. That way you can join them in spirit, if not in person.

So sorry to hear about this Sleepyhead. I think that if you feel the conference is important and its an opportunity to go that might not easily come round again, then you should go. Your grandmother's funeral and family gathering will happen with or without you ,and you can always take a special moment out to remember her...as well, its not just a matter of remembering her for one day, its the thought of keeping her alive in your heart and memory for the days and years to come. Can you think of doing something like ( in your mind at least) dedicating your conference presentation and then doing it in the spirit of her life?

These are difficult questions and there is no easy answer...and no wrong answer either...whatever choice you make is an OK one and need only be the one that you feel is right, for whatever internal reasons.