I fancy my supervisor
Looks like one of each so won't be dressing them quite the same!
A boy and a girl! That's the best of both worlds! So far in my family my bother and sister have all had little girls. With their respective partners, I hasten to add (my town is weird, but that's a separate thread for another day!). I have no children of my own as of yet, but that's probably a good thing because my nieces are and handful whenever they are up and one of them has stolen the talus off one of the feet of my skeleton.
Looks like one of each so won't be dressing them quite the same!
A boy and a girl! That's the best of both worlds! So far in my family my bother and sister have all had little girls. With their respective partners, I hasten to add (my town is weird, but that's a separate thread for another day!). I have no children of my own as of yet, but that's probably a good thing because my nieces are and handful whenever they are up and one of them has stolen the talus off one of the feet of my skeleton.
Ok, I know, I know it sounds really trite and obvious- but I am desperate for some advice. I just don't know what to do... I started my phd in oct and at first I thought my supervisor was a nice guy (professionally speaking of course) but the more time I spend with him the more I enjoy his company and to cut a long story short... I think I really really like him! he is pretty hot! gosh, it is just so liberating to type this out! I have told NO-ONE! the problem is this: I don't want anything to happen - he is much older and married (and I am sure he doesn't feel the same anyway, he gives no indication that he feels anything execpt a professional concern for my welfare etc) but I just cannot concentrate on my work- I keep making excuses to walk past his office and be in the corridor by the printer!! how childish! And when we have meetings I get tongue tied and am unable to come up with inteligent input - he must think I am an idiot! so, how to deal with unrequited feelings? how to put the butterflies in my stomach and the whirling in my head out of my mind so that I can get on with my bloody PhD!?
any advice, v greatfully received x :$
A number of months ago I found myself in a similar situation. I found one of my lecturers erm . . . deeply alluring. However, I did everything I could to avoid her, even to the extent of ensuring I would get a different supervisor for my M.Phil. dissertation. I wasn't willing to allow any emotional attachments to impede my academic progress. Initially I became very vocal in her seminars to the point of showing off and spent quite a lot of time talking to her after each of them in order to flirt! I'm convinced she gauged my intentions, but I never made any definitive attempts to express my interest. I realise it's more difficult for you, given this man's status as your supervisor and his marital circumstances. This reply may not help you in any way, but I can imagine how you might be feeling.
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I'm going through exactly the same thing. For me, I can't stand the thought of going into the building where he is though. It makes me feel sooo uncomfortable, because just like you, I also get tongue-tied and say the most stupid things, and I can't bear the pain and embarrasment of it all - so I just try and avoid him altogether. The thing is - it is damaging my work a bit. Can you imagine!? If I can't even bear to accidently bump into the guy, how the hell am I going to cope in his company for a whole hour in a meeting. He's also (obviously!) very intelligent - and the other students find this a bit intimidating. But for me, I saw this as a challenge. But I'm not anywhere near his academic status, so how retarded am I?? I even get worried about emailing him!!!
So, Phd_Smug, you're not alone.
But then again, perhaps it's not 'fancying him' that I'm feeling. Is it possible to admire someone so much? So much that you can't bear to be in their company? Has anyone else googled their supervisor's name?
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I'm going through exactly the same thing. For me, I can't stand the thought of going into the building where he is though.
But then again, perhaps it's not 'fancying him' that I'm feeling. Is it possible to admire someone so much? So much that you can't bear to be in their company? Has anyone else googled their supervisor's name?
Hey Cobweb, get a grip!!! Get over it! Don't feed these fantasies - they're distracting you and as you say, damaging your work. You need to communicate properly and not dwell on these thoughts. You just can't have a sexual relationship with your supervisor - end of. Move on. I don't think it's even possible for supervisors and students to be friends - they can be collegiate and friendly, but I don't think this relationship can even be the basis of a friendship. Keep it strictly professional.
And you may be onto something when you say it could more be admiration, and I think it's easy to conflate intelligence with sexiness. Some of the academics I know are definitely sexy when they start talking about theories and controversies in my field!;-) But I draw boundaries and never seriously entertain any romantic ideas about them. And we've probably all googled our sup's names, as a matter of professional curiosity - and to see what else pops up.
I've just read what you said again sue, and I think you're right about the friendship thing too. When I have met up with the supervisor, I have tried to be friendly too, and although they are friendly back, there does seem to be a bit of a barrier. I don't know, before I started the course I thought that over time you kind of establish a sort of friendship where you can talk to them like you would with your other friends, but with the added bonus of being able to talk about the work, as it's almost impossible to talk about the work with other friends because they just don't get it. But you're right, it doesn't happen. (I can't speak for others on here though - perhaps others have been able to have friendships with their sups aswell as a professional relationship.)
In past semi-professional jobs, I've been able to be friends with the managers, etc, and talk about things that you would with friends -so why not with the sup? The department even tries to arrange non-work related social events, as if they are trying to encourage a more laid-back atmosphere.
Then again, I've seen in the other threads that having more than a professional relationship with academic staff can cause quite serious problems, so it's probably best to steer clear!
It's all a learning curve I suppose!
My old, rubbish, supervisor was very pally with me at first, inviting me round for dinner with the partner, cosy chats and all sorts, and she turned out to have serious issues with boundaries which made working with her impossible. My shiney new supervisor, who is fantastic and with whom my work has come on in leaps and bounds keeps me at arms length. I really think the dynamic of the PhD - supervisor relationship cannot sustain a friendship, it's not equal: the supervisor has to be able to give intensive criticism with no danger of it seeming personal, and the PhD stude must have enough distance from the sup to be able to see it that way. Maybe a friendship could come afterwards, but not during, IMO, maybe others will tell you different.
