In a complicated affair with supervisor
[quote]
I'll admit I had a crush on a female lecturer way back during Masters who'd been kind to me during a difficult period. I found myself trying to find excuses to be in her company even though I knew then and know now It's all too easy to construe sympathy with affection.
I used my common sense, pulled back, and stopped myself from allowing any feelings for this woman to develop knowing there's be no chance of anything happening and endangering my Masters at the same time.
Ian
hi Ian,
It must have taken a lot to hold yourself back! well done! thanks for sharing
love satchi
Hi everyone, thanks for your kind advice. Unfortunately changing supervisors is out of it now, as I have come quite far with my research and I can't start afresh. I will just try to be careful, wise and hopefully resolve this issue tactfully.
As for the choice of name, that was just on a whim, the first thing that came to mind. LOL. Babygirl is not my pet name. Though I must confess he has once called me his baby. *sigh*
Thanks again. This forum and you guys are the best.
Hi everyone, thanks for your kind advice. Unfortunately changing supervisors is out of it now, as I have come quite far with my research and I can't start afresh. I will just try to be careful, wise and hopefully resolve this issue tactfully.
As for the choice of name, that was just on a whim, the first thing that came to mind. LOL. Babygirl is not my pet name. Though I must confess he has once called me his baby. *sigh*
Thanks again. This forum and you guys are the best.
Okay, your decision, but I hope you know what you're doing. If you do have feelings for him and clearly he has feelings for you, then 2 to 3 years is a long time to resist temptation so to speak. I've already given anecdotal stories of what could happen.
In my case, it was just the last few months of a Masters I had to pull back from my feelings for the woman concerned. If it had been my PhD later on, given I submitted at the end of the four years allowable then life would have been much, much harder.
Ian
Hi again,
Like Ian says your decision BUT are you CERTAIN that there is no way to change supervisor? I cannot stress enough how much I think you should.
As has been said my Ian 2-3 years is a long time and even if temptation is resisted there is also the potential for resentment and I notice you have posted another thread saying that you feel lonely and rather down? My worry is that if you don't change supervisor then you could end up losing your research and doctorate over some guy who sounds like a egotist who is having a midlife crisis and frankly should know better!! Nobody like that is worth giving up on something you love?
Guy sounds like a total idiot!!
Cha
xx
I changed supervisors with two years to go on what has turned out to be a 7-year part-time PhD. I think I was very lucky that the new supervisor was willing to take me on and has turned out to be a thousand times easier to work with than the old one. I went to talk in confidence to the person responsible for PhD students in crisis at my institution. She suggested some potential supervisors and made sure that the new sup and I were both happy with the arrangement before she told the old one I was changing. It might be worth exploring the possibilities - it may be easier to change than you think and probably easier to give your full attention to your PhD if you're not distracted by all those emotions.
Babygirl, this can only end badly. I am talking from the stance of the wife of a supervisor who had an affair with his PhD student. He misled her, she only saw the good side of him and I only saw the bad side. I was the neglected battered wife and just like you, he told her that he was only staying because of the kids. People like that are evil most going through a midlife crisis and you are caught in the middle. She got in touch with me to tell me everything, he ditched her in an attempt to get back with me. I told him at the start of the relationship, twenty years ago that the one thing that I wouldn't put up with was infidelity. It was a really, really horrible time. I had a nervous breakdown and had to leave my teaching job. This is almost four years later and I still haven't recovered. I found out through messages on his phone. I wasn't searching, I just happened upon them. He was very kind, loving and affectionate with her but he barely spoke to me. When he was supposed to be with his family, he was at the cinema, having meals out to posh restaurants or playing squash/tennis with her. He bought her thousands of pounds of clothing including shoes, underwear and a £500 hifi system. He never remembered my birthday or gave a Christmas present and before I knew about her, I accepted this because I thought that he was just eccentric. As I said, I am still not with him and now, he tells me that he never loved her but she was there- well excuse me for looking after my dying mum, my sick father and my young children as well as holding down a full time job. He told her 'I love you more' that cut me to the core because he had never ever told me that he loved me!
Believe me infidelity is damaging just think of the other woman.
This is an old thread, I know but this **it is always happening- I hope you made the right decisions. I have a feeling that you didn't!
Babygirl, this can only end badly. I am talking from the stance of the wife of a supervisor who had an affair with his PhD student. He misled her, she only saw the good side of him and I only saw the bad side. I was the neglected battered wife and just like you, he told her that he was only staying because of the kids. People like that are evil most going through a midlife crisis and you are caught in the middle. She got in touch with me to tell me everything, he ditched her in an attempt to get back with me. I told him at the start of the relationship, twenty years ago that the one thing that I wouldn't put up with was infidelity. It was a really, really horrible time. I had a nervous breakdown and had to leave my teaching job. This is almost four years later and I still haven't recovered. I found out through messages on his phone. I wasn't searching, I just happened upon them. He was very kind, loving and affectionate with her but he barely spoke to me. When he was supposed to be with his family, he was at the cinema, having meals out to posh restaurants or playing squash/tennis with her. He bought her thousands of pounds of clothing including shoes, underwear and a £500 hifi system. He never remembered my birthday or gave a Christmas present and before I knew about her, I accepted this because I thought that he was just eccentric. As I said, I am still not with him and now, he tells me that he never loved her but she was there- well excuse me for looking after my dying mum, my sick father and my young children as well as holding down a full time job. He told her 'I love you more' that cut me to the core because he had never ever told me that he loved me!
Believe me infidelity is damaging just think of the other woman.
This is an old thread, I know but this **it is always happening- I hope you made the right decisions. I have a feeling that you didn't!
Sorry to hear as to what you had to go through.
You are really brave to share your feelings and what happened to you.
I guess, your post will discourage any person/student who may think of doing such actions...
As at the end of the day, it's a family which is being ruined due to someone going through mid-life crisis.
Let's hope that others take the positive message out of this thread!
I know this is an old thread, BUT I agree that there will be tears before bedtime in this scenario. At my current institution there have been numerous rumours (albeit unsubstantiated) that a male senior academic has affairs with his PhD students. These are based on the undeniable fact that all of his students are young, moderately attractive women. Regardless of whether he is having affairs with them, it is inappropriate due to the numerous opportunities these women are offered compared to other people.
As for the man babygirl is having an "emotional" affair with, having an affair with a married man is dangerous enough. When he's you PhD supervisor, this is career suicide.
