I am in the end of my 1st year as a PhD. I started October 2007, I liked my group (6 people), my supervisors, the place, etc. After some time, there is one guy form my group (a post-doc) that is bossy and sexist and he was rude to me. I tried to sort out the things ( it is a bit difficult to explain the whole story so I'll try to be brief), it didn't work, my supervisor heard the 2 versions (mine and his) and for some reason he believed the other person.

Since then, i tried to avoid my supervisor and this guy as much as I could, but it became more and more difficult to concentrate in the work, I hated going to the office and being close to that person, or in the same labs, having to collaborate with him in experiments, etc.

The guy kept making my life a bit impossible and trying to wind me up all the time, I have to hear sexist comments, sexual jokes, bullying, etc.

The beginning of my work was basically training, so it is fine because you just have to do what you are being taught, but once I had to start becoming independent, everything turned upside down. I can't work, I can't read, I can't concentrate, I am stressed, I suffered in the past from anxiety and depression and panic attacks and now they are coming back...

Before the summer holidays, apparently my supervisor realised how this guy is and he came and apologised to me and told me he should had believed me, etc. All that sounds ideal, but for some reason I don't still feel comfortable with him, i try to avoid contact with him, and I am still in the same situation or worse.

It has been months now I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't work, read...and it is getting worse...I attended counselling, I am trying to do anything to sleep, gym, essential oils, I talk to my friends and boyfriend but it doesn't seem to get better...

I am desperate, I don't know what to do...I keep crying almost everyday and feel like I don't want to do my PhD anymore, besides that, all my experiments don't work and I don't get any result, and it is one year gone...

I hope somebody can give me some advise.......:-(

Hey Gat!!!
I know things can sometimes get sooo tough , but u hang in there girl. U have to understand that it is difficult to get along with everyone in the lab. But try to find out why exactly this guy is giving u a bad time? Is there something u did or say without meaning to?? Then u can just apologise....But if this guy is just being a jerk (from the way u have described) just ignore him for a few days. Most bullies stop annoying once u have learnt to ignore them... If such bad behaviour still persists complain to the higher authorities in ur college. All the sexist remarks and jokes can affect u negatively....Y dont u speak to ur sup abt this - he might not ignore u once he has heard ur story. Give it another try and please be patient. And however akward it may sound dont hide from ur sup, just because he didnt listen to ur version. Give it another try......Dont give up ur PhD just because he is giving u a bad time...I know it is hard to cope but I am sure u will come out a much stronger person.
Take care girl....

======= Date Modified 13 Sep 2008 16:46:40 =======
You should submit a formal grievance about the post-doc guy and also the lack of support by your supervisor. Document everything that happened, dates, who was there, what was said etc., and also document the fact your supevisor has now accepted your side of events (presumably he has now witness the guy's behaviour or heard about it off someone else), and also the effects on your personal well-being.



There is absolutely no reason why you should put up with this type of behaviour and a university would take such a complaint very, very seriously (particularly in light of growing student litigation).



Essentially the post-doc involved should face university disciplinary procedure and receive a formal warning (if not be fired for sexual harassment). Your supervisor should no longer have this guy working alongside you - it's very bad management on his behalf. If this happened in a corporate office...a head would roll. It's shocking how people behave in research/HE environments.



Have other members of your team witnessed or been bullied by the post-doc? What are their opinions of his behaviour?

Thanks a lot for both advises....I had thought about reporting him, but I think is going to put me so my pressure and stress that I am not sure I can cope with it....Besides, the place where I work is small and 90% men, I don't want the people to find out what happen and then being there uncomfortable, I am not that strong....Maybe if he bullies me again I might go for the legal way anyway.....He speaks in this bossy attitude to everyone that is not at his "level" that means, PhD, master students, etc...I can't be 100% sure why is so bad with me but I think it is because he tried to flirt with me at the beginning and I didn't pay attention to him or I didn't laugh at his bad jokes, so I think he just got pissed off and try to provoke me as a revenge....he is a very proud person....I don't have anything to apologise to him, and he has apologised to me it after the second argument we had, but he keeps coming around me like a fly and trying to make jokes still....About telling my supervisor everything, I was quite embarrassed to tell him about the sexual jokes and all these stuff, I just avoided telling that,  I just told him about the arguments but omitting these things....maybe it is a mistake and i should come again to him...i don't know... I find hard to take a decision, I don't know which one is the best, my supervisor is a nice person and looks sensitive but I just don't feel like having too much contact with him and I don't know why....probably because he didn't trust me at the beginning.... Sorry for all this, I just don't know what to do.......I am still confused....it has been too much thinking around it and i feel trapped....

Sorry Missspacey, I didn't answer the question about the other people opinion, it seems everyone thinks about him that he is proud and not nice, but some they either take it or some other they have complained to me but they don't want to get into troubles so they didn't even complained to my supervisor, one guy thinks it is normal, because he is "just" a master student....what can i say.......

Hello Gat!!!
Firstly, I would suggest is that u smoothen ur relationship with ur sup.... I know that he didnt trust u in the begining and that hurts u. Believe me he realises that he has let u down and he is trying to make ammends. So please be large hearted and forgive him....And then when things are better with ur sup maybe u can tell him... If not u can always send an e-mail explaining the whole issue....Something like this happened to me when I was a project assistant and I went with a really sad face and told him what happened and my Prof tottaly went ballistic and screamed at this guy. After that this guy is scared to be even seen around me!!! I know it will take a lot of courage to take such a step... but would not it be better than enduring this??? There might also be a student bosy in ur college who can help u deal with this emotionally and also help u to take action... Till then put him on ignore mode!!!
Hope this makes u feel better!!!Chin up grl...

i imagine the person has been in the department for sometime, which could be why the super took his side at the beginning. If he has now realised that you were right, and has apologised to you I would try to  forget what has happened and move on. The guy is your supervisor, and therefore it must have taken some courage on his part to actually admit he was wrong, and for the sake of everyone, including yourself try to look upon this as a positive thing and something to be encouraged, if you spurn his help he might not be so ready to take the same step again.

Now your super knows the situation he will probably be monitoring the other person to see how things are progressing, you have the upper hand even though it may not feel like it at the moment as you have the power to put the other person on the spot and bearing that in mind, next time they come out with remarks that you do not like simply tell them that you are not happy with the way they are speaking to you and you would like them to stop. Don't get upset, just tell them and then move on to something else. Stay calm and positive and the person will soon get the message, if not tell then if they don't change their ways, regretfully you will have to take things further (remember they are probably on a fixed contract, so will want either a renewal or a good reference so this give you some power of your own!).

I'm assuming you are in science? If you are in a male dominated area, this is something that happens - I've had to deal with this too - its one of those things, but once you have successfully dealt with this person, next time it will be much easier!:-)

Gat

only info i have about the situ is as per your account

But i think first of all you need to ask yourself a question. "how can a behavior of single individual, overshadows your life so much that you are practically dysfunctional"
Why?
if we search for solution of problems inside, we empower ourselves. maybe there is something in your atttitude towards yourself that encourages individuals like him to give you trouble.

it is important to be collegial but to project an image of self confidence and competence.

I am just not clear, I don't understand, how can you feel so helpless.

and one thing that is not wise on your part is to distance yourslef from the supervisor, as mentioned by someone else on this post as well.

Might be an idea to see what support you can get within your department. Is there anyone available as pastoral support? That would be your best bet - you could talk to them in confidence and they would know the situation in a bit more depth and what can be done to resolve it.

Hang in there. If I were you I'd keep records of what he's doing and saying - if he stops it might just be a case of having to ignore him or work around him, but don't let this compromise your PhD. Are you still going to counselling?

You should consider making an official complaint - and to keep doing this until he stops this behaviour or is removed from the group. Could be he's already in a bit of trouble if your supervisor has witnessed this behaviour and even apologised to you about it.

Hope it all works out for you!

Of course you feel helpless and upset: it's hard enough to get through a PhD without having to deal with jerks like this. I've experienced bullying an manipulation in the lab (though not as bad as you describe) and it really does affect your life.

I expect this man, like most bullies, is relying on you to be afraid to report him for fear of rocking the boat. Stuff him. Kick off big time: tell him calmly that he is making you uncomfortable and that you expect the sexual remaks to cease immediately. Then do as everyone else suggests: keep notes of incidents and take them to a suitable person, and keep doing this until he is removed or learns to behave. You have the right to work in peace!

Gat - Fight fire with fire i.e. fight dirty!
First of all, the most important work relationship is between you and your supervisor. As someone has suggested, straighten that out, regardless of how humbling it is. Ask him is everything kosher and that you are still commited to the project.
Secondly, remember what motivates the bully - the fact that he is getting to you is just fuelling the fire and I'm sure you've went thro' the scenario of calmly making your points but then when it comes to doing that, you freeze and find the rage taking over, where any bit of common sense goes out the window. He is NOT an important part of your life and besides, people have to accept that a). Not everyone is your friend and b). Some people might even dislike you (Cold facts). Be positive and don't let a negative creep win. Speaking for the rest of male-dom, we are sorry for the behaviour of this clear loser.
I know this may seem extreme but since it is a case of your word against his, you need evidence and to do so, you may need to tape some of his remarks. Dunno about the legality side of things but mightn't need to do that - the threat of actually forwarding this to both HR and the supervisor might get him to at least calm down. I assume you have consulted some professionals on this matter, even if its only the free legal aid from the student union?
Main thing is to get your spirits up, which have clearly suffered. This may require some counselling to get yourself back on top, but everyone needs this from time to time. I was going to say that you can't fight a battle injured, but it is only a battle in your mind ... to dil*o brain, its just cheap laughs. You can either a). fight this dips**t or b). learn to ignore it, remember the reasons why you want the PhD (for your benefit and no-one elses) and the fact that your life is probably 10 times more interesting and rewarding than his. What you really should do is actually play along and when he says something sexist, confirm he is right by making him look stupid e.g. when he alludes that the office is no place for women, tell him the chains holding you to the kitchen sink broke ... think of Steve Martin in the bar room fight in Roxanne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWNLhptltBg

Sorry for rambling and remember that you have people on your side.

Gaty!!!
How r u feeling today grl??? Hope u r much better than yesterday....I have no more advice to give u except that u r also responsible for ur mental health....Dont waste ur precious time & emotions on Losers!!!! I so tottaly agree with Bono...maybe u should tape some conversations...atleast to show them to ur supervisor maybe???
Dont worry grl, the bad times will tide over, keep calm till then.
*hugs*

being a female in a heavily male dominated profession or environment can be intimidating, and I can totally sympathise with this situation. I understand how it brings on feelings of being frightened, panicked, etc., because at some level the intimidation that you experience is geared to do just that. It is possible to feel this feelings at a very deep visceral level, where its difficult to rationalise them, but they are there nonetheless, residing in the 6th sense. People have a difficult understanding this unless they themselves have been in a situation where this has been done to them, and then they will completely understand. I have read some articles where this experience is described as an injury to your spirit, and indeed it is. It is very wounding.

Practicing law in a very conservative and male dominated environment was no picnic for me. I heard my share of demeaning sexist remarks, had inappropriate comments directed at me, all done to try to show me I was not wanted or to intimidate me during cases. I was around male attorneys that would curse a lot ( not in the court room) and I think sometimes it was a show to intimidate me. Not saying my response works for everyone, in every situation, but to cope, I just decided to fight fire with fire. If they told a sexist joke, I would say hey, I have one, and tell one about men and then laugh and laugh as if it were the funniest thing ever. If they cursed, I cursed as well, and worse than them, which again served to make them uncomfortable because they thought women shouldn't curse. The idea was not to become one of them or even to stoop to their level, but to simply fight fire with fire...to say hey, I can take it and whats' more, I can be pretty darn good at dishing it back.

In time the situation mellowed out and they quit trying to intimidate me, but yes, it cost a lot inside. When I am plunged into professional mostly male situations, I can feel a sense of belligerence, and a don't mess with me attitude inside, outwardly I try to be calm and polite, but if someone is inappropriate, I let them know I do not appreciate it and will NOT tolerate it.

Which is a long winded way of saying you can get through this, but do realise there are some real reasons why this has taken such a toll on you. You have been attacked at the very core of your being, and it can be very damaging and hurtful. Society does not teach women how to be appropriately assertive, IMO, women are taught to be concerned about pleasing people and pleasing men, and we all know the jokes about aggressive/assertive women. In some ways I am glad I went into law if for no other reason than it teaches you to be able to argue and assert yourself. I am not saying you have to turn into a hard mean person to survive, not at all, you do not want this experience to rob you of who you are, and it will not. A social worker friend of mine once told me that experiencing emotional distress when you are in a dysfunctional environment is the sign of having healthy emotions. You got burned once in this environment, rebuilding trust takes a lot more than an apology from the supervisor that let this go on, you probably do not know how or who to trust in this environment, and your feelings are screaming out loud to protect you from harm again.

I think the supervisor should be concerned about rebuilding this relationship with you, not the other way around. Can you approach him and tell him that you are unable to feel confidence and trust, and you want to talk about why, and hear his suggestions on how he can rebuild the bridge?

I hope you feel better and I hope you hang in there. I think its complete C*** that this ever done to anyone. Sadly, if you talk to women you find that this is all too common, and people feel ashamed and do not share the experience. Its complete C*** that this was done to you, and I think that your supervisor has a lot to make up to you to make this situation right. And the next time someone starts in like that, just look them in the eye and say, B**** that is harrassment and I will not stand for it. **** off. That sends bullies away.

Gat

like olivia explained, u will need to find strength inside you to deal with the situation, you cannot wait till people around you become NICE enough to see something wrong is being done.

and Juno...I have been in as much of a male dominated environment as it can be.... I was an engineering student in South Asian univ.....trust me it won't get better than this. But my lesson was you need to prove your professional competence and self confidence.

First thing is to believe you are as good as any other person, and that you have the right to be there and be respected.

Gat
you need to feel powerful, trust me i have learned these things. I am by nature very shy, i hate to confront, and difficlut people and situations make my heart pound.
but you need to stop feeling helpless, and learn how to be firm. have you ever told this person in a firm (not angry) voice, looking in his eyes with confidence...that his behavior is unprofessional and you will take measures to make him realize this.

he is definetly obnoxious, but you need to show him YOU are done with his nonsense and borderline behavior. Make a plan, stage-wise in escalating order of measures...and act upon it with SELF-CONFIDENCE.

this is what you lack....TAKE CHARGE