hi guys, i know i've said a lot on this forum and i come on a lot when am struggling. right now am going through a difficult time. i've been unwell for the last month or so, fell in love with this guy who really cared for me during this time, yesterday i lost a close relative and today he's called it off and am just struggling to get my restarted on my writing up.

am writing because am looking for advice. i really want to finish by the end of this year and so i need to finish my chapters at the end of the summer. at the same time, so much is going on around me.i feel sometimes that i cannot work effectively, and i sometimes wonder if am just making excuses.

because am low on funding, i won't be able to travel to this funeral and because of time, i feel that i cannot take time off to grieve either of my losses. i just need encouragement from someone whos been through something similar yet been able to work and meet a submission deadline and from everyone else...

all advise will be appreciated.

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties Jojo. That's a lot for you to have to deal with at once.

I quite appreciate that you feel you have missed a lot of time lately and therefore can't afford to take any more time out. But being ill isn't a vacation - it's like a different kind of work. It might be healthier (and indeed more efficient) if you do take a little break to give yourself some time to recover. When you go back after that you might feel better equipped to deal with your work.

Have you had the opportunity to talk to a supervisor/graduate tutor/welfare person about any of this? It might be good to let someone know, even if you don't want them to do anything as such - it might at least mean they cut you some slack/give you some space for a while.

Hi Jo Jo, I'm so sorry to hear about your recent losses.

I agree with the previous poster: I think you need to take time out and allow yourself to grieve properly. I also think that if you don't, you could be storing up problems which could take you by surprise later on. I lost my sister two years ago, since yesterday, and have just taken about three days off in the last week; just to deal with my feelings about the anniversary of her death. When she died I couldn't function with any kind of efficiency for about 2 months afterwards, and it took about a year to work at anything like a 'normal' pace. So, please don't think you are slacking or making excuses - your heart and brain are working overtime to get you through this most painful time. Also, I think that your grief could be especially difficult because you cannot make it to the funeral, and it seems to me that you should allow for that too.

I also think you should let your supervisor/department know what you are going through - they may be able to help in some way, or, as the previous poster suggested just cut you a bit of slack.

Hi Jojo, I'm very sorry to hear about your losses. I can empathise with both your losses, though they didn't happen at the same time. I'm not yet suffering the pressures of the write-up stage - I have another year or so - but I have been really badly affected by a recent break-up I went through that has really impacted on my work. I still think about it everyday, and much of the time it can stop me working for an hour or so. Back when we broke up, which was a few months or so ago, I had to prepare for my interim. I had to take a bit of time off, spent a fortune on tissues and came to the conclusion: 'I'm getting this PhD after all this crap!'.
You are certainly not making excuses about your lack or productivity, not with what you're going through. The thing is, it could get a worse, in terms of how you feel, before it starts to improve (forgive my pocketbook psychology) and so I'd echo what the other posters have said - take some time off, have some 'me' time, grieve. YOu need to stay sane and you're not going to get much done anyway. You'll use the time more productively if you just take even a few days off. Your work means an awful lot to you and, believe me, even if you do take a small break, it won't have any bearing on whether you meet your submission deadline - you'll make sure of that. I know I did with my interim assessment deadline.

Wishing you well x

Walmsinski (up)

What do you like doing that makes you go "I really love life!" maybe something that you used to do a lot but perhaps not so much anymore? Maybe revisit old hobbies or activities :)

Exercise and eating well is good too. Fed the body, feed the mind.

Yes, you've got to take a bit of time off. Don't worry about finishing, you'll get it done. And can you finish a little later anyway? And you might want to think about seeing a counsellor - a good counsellor can be a life saver. This sounds too hard to deal with by yourself.

thanks guys for taking time to read my post and offer some advice.

i've decided to take some time off. a week or so. i don't know if thats really enough but i'll see how i feel after that.

i have also began picking myself up, exercising, spending time around people to avoid thinking too much, accepting all dates (its my way of getting myself to stop being hang up on this one guy) and just facing all these emotions and letting them out. am also trying to eat regulary.

i just hope this feeling can be over soon so that i can get some work done. i have thought of going to the office and telling them about this, but the people in my department are not the most understanding people on earth. my supervisor only expects work from me at the end of the summer so am tempted to just deal with this on my own. counselling is also a good idea. i will look into it.

thanks guys.. i have taken everyones advise on board... whether or not i've mentioned it. keep it coming.

Walmsinski and Eska - am very sorry to hear about your losses. its encouraging to hear that you have not given up on life despite what its thrown at you. stay strong. this too shall pass. (am literally saying that to myself.)

Hazyjane - thanks. i feel less guilty about being unwell.

everyone else.. thanks.