======= Date Modified 15 42 2009 21:42:12 =======
hey guys! need some help! I'm almost finished the 1st year of a science phd, enjoy the work/project/colleagues! Problem is I recently failed my upgrade despite having achieved the most work from all the 1st year students! My upgrade panel have issues with my sups and were extremely biased+ I think it's fair to say I was bullied by them to some extent. Sups have fought tooth and nail to get their decision reversed and the uni have acknowledged their complaints but say I have to repeat the upgrade process regardless! I've just found out that 2 (the worst 2) of the original panel members will be interviewing me again and this will not be changed! So sups have been a bit OTT with trying to prepare me for the next panel basically because there have been official complaints made and are anticipating that i will get a rough time from the panel. I was originally fine with this but I recently started having terrible nightmares about the situation and i'm on the verge of anxiety attacks. I haven't slept properly in ages because of all this worrying, and in a meeting with my supervisors yesterday I cracked up, broke down, and told them I can't continue with my phd because of this (can't continue without the upgrade) they're understandably incredibly angry since they complained so much about the original decision but are also reasonably supportive. I cant face going through any more of this and I feel that if they continue trying to push me with the OTT preparation I'm going to end up worrying myself sick so in a way I've given up. I know it's really stupid to walk away when I'm doing so well, I've worked incredibly hard to get to where I am but I honestly can't face another interview with the same people after how i was treated last time, i feel physically sick when i think about it. What do you guys think i should do? 

Hi Jellybean

I'm not familiar with the upgrade process so can't comment on that aspect of your horrendous situation, but do know about feeling anxious! The upgrade and a PhD is important to you right? So don't give up. Keep in mind that this stress will all be over soon, when you have the next interview. If you're having nightmares, feeling anxious etc, there are remedies to deal with that - go and see your uni counselling service, talk to them about how you're feeling, and this should help. Ask them about coping strategies - for eg, when I suffered from anxiety, I would mentally erect a wall between myself and the situation, and tell myself that the nastiness was "out there" and I was OK. There are lots of strategies like this and a good psychologist should be able to help. Do breathing exercises to stop the heart racing and the anxiety. Take St John's Wort - it helps with anxiety (keep in mind can interfere with other medications tho). Exercise. But keep in mind that this situation will pass! Good luck!

This sounds horrible but I get the impression that in spite of all you've been through there are people who believe in you and want you to get through this. They also believe you CAN although it will also feel like you're being forced through OTT preparation. They just want you to be prepared for anything thrown at you. It sounds like you need to find a way of believing in yourself. You don't sound like you really want to walk away, only that you want this horrible hurdle to go away. You've said yourself that you are a good student with lots to stay for. Now you need to find a way of showing that to everyone else - giving up will prove the people on the original panel who have driven you to this point right. You don't believe they are, neither do your supervisors and now you need to prove it. The advice below is good - use everything available to you at the university particularly. I'm sure you can get through this. Good luck.

Firslty, you are bound to feel like this. Waht you need to do is work through this. If the university have acknowledged the problem, then they may well have had a quiet- or not so quiet- word with the people concerned, but they probably can't just reverse the decision, it would look very bad for the people on the panel and would suggest that they did not know what they were doing, hence the second panel. The reason the two that you didn't want on the panel might be for the same reason. Have you made notes on the points that they raised, and have you addressed these? Make sure you do this, and if they don't bring up these points, you may want to mention in passing that you have taken on board their ideas etc., just in passing. If you haven't made a note, presumably they had a secretary in the meeting, so see if you can get the notes, if they don't make notes, you may want to suggest this, so if you have to take it further you have proof of what was said. Your supervisors are not doing you any favours by carring on as they have. They should not be piling their personal problems onto you, they should be trying to sort them out with the panel members concerned. They are grown ups. Being angry never solves problems, they should be smoothing your path. At the end of the day, this is your PhD and they are supposed to be helping you, not stirring up trouble, and should be finding ways to cool the situation not fan the flames - they can't honestly think that creating an enormous fuss will help, a quiet word should have done it and then they should get on with helping you constructively. They need to be more professional and less confrontational. If you have done all the work you can, you need to prepare yourself mentally for the next meeting with the panel. first find something that makes you calm, a piece of music, exercise, a walk etc. and mentally remember that, note the feeling you have at that moment. when you go into the room greet tha members in a formally friendly way - and mean it - body language is all, remember! sit down and take a few seconds to remember your calming thing. If you find yourself getting tense during the questioning, take a second or two to re-remember your calm. If they ask you something that you don't know/ can't remember/ is completely stupid as far as you can tell, do what you would do to anyone at a conference, just say what an interesting concept or whatever it is and that you will take note and look it up in the future. They won't expect you to know everything, but will be impressed if you show willingness to take other things on board. finally - don't give up, there are always people who want to put others down, it happens, - I had a similar experience once, when I was going for my fellowship viva , and a panel member was trying to 'prove himself', but in my case the institute phoned me up and apologised for his behaviour, but I still had to do the viva again, just to keep with convention, it may be the same in your case. Best of luck