I am coming up to my three year registration deadline and have been writing the past six weeks or so, which is almost killing me, but progressing slowly.

Over the past six months however I've been struggling. The PhD has never been going well - see below - and I was so depressed that I was bordering on suicical at times. Spent half my time hiding in toilets around uni bawling my eyes out - and I am usually a sunny personality.

Problem is that I chose the worst group, project and supervisor imaginable - judging by this forum lots of people do...,-)

The project advertised and agreed upon has nothing to do with the work I have been doing, because I discovered some mistakes and had to start afresh 18 months in.

The first 12 months I was in the honeymoon period. New lab, new project, good personal funding and renowned uni. Things like a severe lack of group funding, unhappy co-workers a very bad supervision seemed not apparent - I still thought I could do it all. Eventually, in the second year, things began sliding. My supervisor has no interest in the progress, no funding and I eventually found out that she had been lying outright about some background information - which, together with severe mismanagement of the project lead to me discovering the mistakes and more severe delays. Just for fun, some bullying was thrown in the mix.

Being rather vocal in general, I started complaining. To the department head, postgraduate supervisor etc. Meetings ensued, promises of improvement were made - which lasted about two weeks, then the cycle was began anew. I found out that many previous complaints had been made, which I was never told about before enrolling.

I was still hoping I could make the best of the situation, was trying to forge (as I am the only one in the whole dept doing my type of work) collaborations etc - all of which have been torpedoed by the sup.
Due to the lack of guidance, facilities and funding I am sure I have tried to re-invent the wheel several times. I am pretty much self-taught in all methods - which is rather inefficient. At the beginning of the second year, the only post-doc left after a row with the sup, shortly thereafter the last phd student. Since then I have been on my own, still struggling on. Probably delusional - a stupid "I never give up" conviction made me stay.
Tried to establish new things - nothing worked. Continued complaining, tried to establish some sort of working relationship with my sup - nothing. Eventually, 6 months ago, the stress started getting to much and the depression mounted. Productivity went to zero. Eventually, after I hit rock bottom I went and got some counselling, was diagnosed with severe depression. Been working through that - and wrote up my results. Primary sup doesn't give a damn. Secondary sup, who has been trying to be helpful, but did not use to be the most assertive of people, agreed with me that based the current state attaining a PhD was mainly down to luck.

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Unfortunately also agreed that circumstances were exceptional "difficult", project probably should have never been allowed due to lack of expertise and that there is nothing to do in the present lab to improve on the thesis.
Sup 2 also thinks that another whole year would be needed to make sure it was PhD-worthy. There is complete insecurity about how and where that is to be achieved, though he seems reasonably confident he might find me some funding.
Or I could submit what I have for an MPhil with reasonably little risk.

Situation with sup 1 is that she will never get another PhD student - due to repeated complaints by me and others, if rumours are true uni will not renew her contract and the group is pretty much finished.

I am struggling on writing trying to decide what to do. Another year fills me with dread - right now there is no idea what I might do, plus this has turned into a subject I never, ever wanted to work on. So, stop flogging a dead horse? If, by some miracle, I scrape through the viva now, it is always going to be a bad thesis - nothing is publishable right now.

On the other hand I have spent 3 years working day and night.

I still want a career in science, so I need a PhD. So, take the MPhil (still lots of work on the thesis left) and run? Find a new, more solid project and start over? I would actually do this - though I am terrified I have ruined my CV already.

On the plus side, my uni has a great postgrad programme that allowed me to developed lots of skills outside of the lab. I have made some great friends and I seem to be getting better.

Oh boy...

Hi Emily

So sorry to hear you've had such a hard time with such poor supervision and lack of support from your uni. I'm glad you took action and got yourself some help when you saw you were getting depressed.

I can't really offer any advice as I am only in the early stages of my PhD, but I do hope your supervisor is able to get funding so at least you have the option to carry on working on it for another year, though it is not ideal. Though no qualification is worth your mental health and maybe a short break from the PhD would be a good idea right now. It could give you time to decide what is important to you and what you want to do after the PhD. Also I don't believe 'not giving up' and trying to plod on is a good idea if one is depressed.

Good luck. Take care of yourself and cut yourself some slack.

Thanks. ;) Been trying to keep writing and to make up my mind.
I guess I'll finish the bloody thesis as it is now and in the meantime start looking for other positions. Just to be safe and see where I'm at.
Though how I am going to turn these 3 years into something good, I don't know yet.
And while doing that, maybe there will be a miracle, I'll find some extra funding and something useful to do about the project.

Good for you Emily! Keep going, you've done too much now to stop. The next year will go by quickly. I think it's really common to not know what to do after the thesis, where the funding is going to come from, and whether we have what it takes to succeed. Not much can be done about though, I guess we just have to see where the PhD takes us.

Make sure you get support - see a counsellor, dr etc. Look after yourself!

Thanks - though it is not worrying what to do after the PhD - if I get it, it is the insecurity what on earth I am gonna do experiment wise to get the project to any kind of reasonable level.
I can't think of a single thing to do that is realistic...