Hi, I'm a new(ish) PhD Student, about 4 months in, and having some issues. I don't really know what advice I'm hoping to get but maybe this is more just a vent.

So, context, I've had depression and anxiety since I was young (now early 30's), which has come and gone (mostly come) and lead to various hiccups . I got my act together and did a masters part-time before working for a couple of years as a research asst (part-time). My contract ended and as I was looking for something else my PhD studentship appeared.

I knew when I was applying that it would be tough, and I had my doubts over whether I could manage something full-time. But I wanted to, plus I felt I needed to do it in order to continue in any kind of research career. Now i'm feeling like all of my doubts and fears have been realised. My depression is as bad as its ever been and my uni work is really suffering, i'm either sleeping, crying or avoiding people = no work getting done = feel guilty about not doing work = rinse/repeat. I'm trying to work on my MH with the professionals (i'm lucky to have a psychiatrist and -ologist) and get my meds right, but its not a quick instant process. Add to that the juggling of side-effects, esp the cognitive ones and it just feels like some kind of horrible nightmare. I also suffer from "chronic pain" and/or chronic fatigue, so feel pretty crappy a lot of the time, even when I'm not loosing my marbles. Ultimately this has all added up to me being pretty suicidal and really struggling.

I don't know what to do on the uni side of things, I worry its too early for a formal break or signed off sick-leave. I worry that its only 4mo in and this doesn't bode well. But at the same time "failing" (quitting) would end me.