am glad you're feeling better pineapple. i like your new focus on being positive. forget your supervisors for now. also try and take time off to recover from this anxiety and come back with a new perspective. i took 6 weeks off after my phd. am glad i did because i came back to it more positive.. though that means i have to relearn some stuff. but i don't expect it should be that hard.

have you thought of going for a postgraduate diploma from this uni instead of a Msc. for the diploma you may actually have enough to do really well? 8-)

i agree with Why.. the job market judges you according to your latest achievement. the same goes for academia. i would not mention this thing. it's not worth it.

@Amoha - you sound like one of those unsupportive partners.

sasa. i feel the same about another course am enrolled in but am 28 and therefore can explain that friends really are living and that. at 23 come on... differences aren't that much yet!

re the feeling of quitting, the only reason i agreed to take this other part time course was because i got funding. i had wanted it years before but by the time i got the funding i had lost interest but decided to go ahead anyway. in my case its not that i hate the subject; its just that my body does not want to be sat in a library when others are partying, dating, getting married and having children and good jobs! luckily for me this course ends in June which is in about 7 months time. i have lots of exams before then. i have decided just to stick it out for a number of reasons: 1) if i failed, i would be frowned up as i already have a phd which is a higher qualification that this course. so explaining to the funding group really is not my idea of fun. 2) its just seven more months before i start living again and the perfectionist in me cannot stand giving up. 3) i have decided to stay away from schools after that and never enrol in anything stressful like a course. God help us all!

in your case, i would say that the direction of a project is not something that becomes clear until much later. as long as you don't quit you should find it. most people don't actually find what their thesis is about til their second yr. so its not a reflection of your ability. re the feeling that life is passing you by, i totally understand. if its that bad - that your whole being has rebelled against the course and cannot possibly persevere, then leaving now rather than later is a good idea. if you have it in you to persevere, its the better thing to do. i'd encourage you to do that. because feelings come and go. don't decide your future based on a 'feeling' or a 'phase'.

all the best. it gets better. i promise. (up)

======= Date Modified 17 Nov 2010 01:02:06 =======
:$ i've just spotted a typo in my acknowledgment section! i missed it first time round though. hope that's a good sign.

i have managed to read through ch. 1 (that's about 30 pages of the approximately 300 hundred pages of my thesis). general feeling on a scale of 1 - 5:

Chapter 1: 5* :-) { i sound like i know what am talking about! and i can actually understand it! yipee!}

other achievements of today:

1) watch phd viva video online - hope i can still find it. (TOMORROW)

2) look through and plan on how to address Lara's questions. (DONE)

3) read the omitted chapter of thesis to ease myself back into the thesis. ( DONE halfway)

4) look thro examiners publications and chose which one's i'll read. (DONE but not chosen any to read.)

tomorrow's plan:

read through ch. 2 & 3 of thesis... even more if i can, the aim being to familiarise myself with the stuff and also look for typos. and hopefully also gain bags of confidence after discovering that my work is actually good..... will summarise in next reading round.

am off to sleep a happy girl. (yes, am female.... for those who asked on the weight watchers thread. :) )
8-)

i think your issue is structure. i once had this problem. before you start writing you need to have a coherent argument / objective. that is what you are doing or saying in that chapter. then work out how to say it (structure. mind mapping really helps here). then say it!

i agree. go to the meeting and acknowledge that you are struggling somewhere and ask your supervisor what you can do to improve. show them that you want to learn and to improve. they should come to your side and help.

@ Bilbo - thanks. i think i like this idea of 5 main questions and just thinking through things. its far more relaxed. i also like the detail of Lara's questions, so i will pick some from there and learn my answers to the main questions..

reading the chapter i cut out was a good and bad experience. i got halfway through it before stopping. i didn't understand most of it so maybe its a good thing its gone. am shocked when i look back and at the time it made so much sense! either it was crap or i have forgotten all my stuff! am hoping its the former. am yet to watch the viva video which i'll do tomorrow as i want to get a good night sleep.

i have decided not to worry about the outcome of the viva and try to just be me and to do my best. i think selling a product in a way that's not me will only result in a disaster. so am gonna just work on a chapter by chapter 15 min presentation on what my thesis is about - this is what i'd have done originally and then start addressing the questions. but ofcourse, that's after i've even opened it and read it. a while back i remember reading til page 55 or something and finding few typos so i reckon i should be fine.

am guessing am allowed to take in my short notes and printed slides to the viva?

i forgot to say thanks for the good wishes. :-)

Hi Pineapple....

i totally empathise with how you feel... i've been blue all day after reading a few pages of my thesis and wondering if am the one who wrote it! but i have decided to stay positive that if i carry on reading it that it will soon make sense - nevermind talking about it.

your anxiety is heightened by the lack of a date. i feel the same. my advice would be, just take one day at a time. don't think so hard about the viva if it is not today, because you still have tomorrow to perfect what you did not manage today.

i think believing that you will pass it is the best place to start and then getting on with the preparation. you've made it this far.. leave the outcome to the examiner and just do your best on the day. and whatever happens you did your best.

all the best and i BELIEVE you will pass! go pineapple. we can read chapter 1 together tomorrow and compare notes on the experience. (up)

wow.. the questions have made me get a feeling of nausea.. i better get down to work. lol. :)

thanks Lara. I've received them and will take a look at them and work through them one by one...... don't worry about the length!

@Dunni - skyping with a colleague is a very good idea. the tape recorder also sounds really good. i hadn't thought of that yet.. woah... discussion was the hardest section to write in my thesis but the most rewarding and actually the best chapter of my thesis and the one am banking on to get this phd. so hang in there and do a good job. it'll be over in no time!

@claudia- well done! am glad it worked out despite all the nerves. thanks for sharing your experience. it takes the pressure off.

today's aim:

1) watch phd viva video online - hope i can still find it.

2) look through and plan on how to address Lara's questions.

3) read the omitted chapter of thesis to ease myself back into the thesis.

4) look thro examiners publications and chose which one's i'll read.

i think its best to be honest. just don't get too emotional while admitting these difficulties. when i got my current supervisor.. (i changed them a few times!) i did this nerve-filled presentation where i lost my voice and totally lost it. i couldn't push my topic anymore so i asked them for suggestions on what they think i should do because my other topic was rubbish - according to them. before i imagined my supervisor wouldn't emphathise but when they saw my struggles they actually came up with a topic for me and asked me just to write... sigh.

so it can help to be honest. in my two sets of supervisors before i'd just acted like everything was alright and after admitting my difficulties to one, they'd taken advantage of it. so it really depends on the person really. its better to find out now what they're like now than 3 years on like i did and had to restart with new person.

just seeing your full post Lara! yes.... that'd be great! i'd love all those questions. maybe i can do a few each day!! and thanks ever so much for the support. you can pm me here, i'd really appreciate that...

practicing on my own is a good idea, though am almost afraid of hearing my own voice talking about the subject which is what i must get past....sigh. not that i have a choice now. lol. i really have to start doing that. thanks for the tip! (up)

so great to see you post again Lara! thanks. your journey was an inspiration. congratulations once again. :-)