As a female, I would actually find that joke funny. In fact I did a little laugh just reading it. It's the kind of off the cuff humour I use, and most of the time people are able to figure that no harm was intended and it was a joke. I agree with others that she probably is the over-sensitive type, and maybe an apology is needed. Don't apologise for being you though, just for the fact that you offended her unknowingly and explain that it was only intended as a bit of banter and nothing hurtful.
:p

I have to admit, as a female I'd personally find that joke quite funny too, but again, that's the kind of joke my friends would make and I wouldn't take it as anything more than banter. Having said that, if someone I didn't really know made that joke at me, they'd have to have a pretty broad "I'm joking" grin on their face or it would need to be in the context of a jokey kind of conversation for me not to think they were a bit of an arsehole! As with so many things, context is everything!

I also think Eska makes a good point - you just never know whether that kind of joke can trigger a deep reaction in someone, so I'd personally only make that kind of joke with someone I knew well enough to be sure they'd take it in that spirit, or if it was in the context of a lot of friendly banter being made. But I know how it is - sometimes a joke is such an open goal you take it without thinking....

It doesn't really matter if other people think that person is overreacting a bit, the point is, they are having a reaction, and that means some kind of approach needs to be taken to clear the air.

Slizor

A couple of things.

If you are sorry that she was offended, even if you are not sorry for making the joke, I think it is polite to apologies for her being upset even if you don't feel at fault.

Another thing

There are all manner of reasons why she could have taken offence at this particular comment, including

She was on her period at the time you made the joke.
She once went to a club in a short skirt and got a come-on by a hard-to-shake-off letch and really hates herself for it. (One can argue that this makes her a slut, but to be honest I don't think this is the point you need to drive home at this moment.)
One of her friends went to a club in a short skirt and got raped.
She met her first true love in a club and later discovered he had numerous "true loves" whom he had met in clubs

etc etc

There are topics that I am sensitive to jokes about because of my past experiences, but I tend not to take offence at them...how was the joke-maker supposed to know? You might just have hit a nerve which isn't your fault IYSWIM.

Same here, but equally if it came from someone I'd barely spoken to before I might be inclined to tell them where to go. Depends on how well you know her, I guess, but hey - just make it clear it was meant as a joke and not a reflection on what you actually think of her, and keep on keeping on. There's been a few times when I've met people and I haven't been sure how to take something, until I've gotten to know them better and realised that that's just how they are. Maybe avoid inferring she's a slag again though since it's hit a nerve
;-)

I'm a woman and I'm afraid I am offended by the "joke" - as someone else has said it would have to be a REALLY good friend to get away with it (and in the context of banter with others who were all equally good friends).

Would you have dismissed it as oversenitivity if there had been racist or homophobic underpinnings to the "joke"? Probably not so why is is acceptable to make abussive comments to women? It's an "off the cuff" joke but they are often the ones that betray your real underlying beliefs. I'm with the woman - not acceptable, end of.

I have to say Slizor, I wouldn't have been impressed at all had you made that comment to me (also female). I'm afraid that I am one of those sensitive souls who would be hurt by such a remark. I really think you should approach this woman, tell her that you have been made aware of her feelings and that you are remorseful (I assume that you are), that what you said does not reflect your true opinion of her etc. Even if she isn't particularly receptive, an apology seems like the way to go.

As for the 'you shouldn't apologise for who you are' argument, I agree but to a point. If your actions (regardless of how natural they are to you) hurt another, you are most likely in the wrong.

Hey! Well, it's easy done to say something off the cuff and then wonder whether it was such a good idea. Someone in my class at MSc level once stuck their hand up in the middle of a class about whether we should have the right to end our lives and made a jokey remark about suicide, ending with 'who cares, it's only one more person, why should we give a shit'. Having lost several friends to suicide in the couple of years preceding that class I was completely offended at this remark, and took a great dislike to this person that I didn't really know very well but whose attitude I was disgusted by. Three years later and we are both studying for PhDs, I have got to know him better and we actually get on quite well. Looking back, it was a crassly insensitive remark (IMO), but he wasn't to know that there was a person in the room in my situation (and maybe others as well, who knows). Although I still think it was a stupid thing to say, and an attitude I still don't agree with, I can see now I know him better that he sometimes opens his mouth before he thinks and genuinely meant no harm or offence by his comment. So I suppose what I am saying with respect to your situation is- it wasn't the best thing to come out with, but most of us make comments and regret them later, if this girl is offended then I would apologise, and then forget about it and move on. She might think you're an idiot but I'm sure she has other things in her life to concentrate on as well! Best, KB

I'm with the other girls here ;-) If someone said that to me that I know really well and know their sense of humour I'd laugh, if i didn't know them I'd think what a ******* (insert your own expletive) and then avoid them as they aren't worth my time. Having said that, like some of the others my opinion has changed over time on a couple of occasions where I've decided that they're alright :-) It all depends how you said it, how well you know her blah blah.

The point has been made though that you don't know her history necessarily and what is a funny joke to someone can be devastating to somebody else and can appear they are totally over-reacting, but in truth they aren't - you might have hit a horribly raw nerve.

I'd apologise, be nice, you're a fun guy with a wicked sense of humour (I like that) but that can sometimes get you into trouble as I know to my cost too ;-)

I just tried translating slag into a couple of other languages, including my mother tongue (Which my mother doesnt read or write incidentally lol, anyway) and yes, I can see close friends, syaing it to me. And we'd laugh. But a stranger? NO. end of!

Couldn't keep quiet about these remarks. 'She was on her period' - ??? Excuse me??? What has that got to do with anything? This woman's biological functions have nothing to do with whether or not she was offended. It seems to me you don't know women very well if you think this isn't the case.

Secondly, wearing a short skirt does not make a woman a slut, a word incidentally, that is prejorative and value-laden. Women can wear what they want, express their sexuality however they want, and are not 'sluts'. Why is there no male equivalent to this word?? Because it's a way of controlling women's sexuality.

And thirdly - the little scenario about a friend in a short skirt going to a club and getting raped - how on earth is this relevant??

Your comments say much more about how you view women than does Slizor.

Some women get really offended by terms like these because they have felt that brunt of these stereotypes at different points in their life. I personally tend to think a person is a bit ignorant if they make jokes about 'slags'. I wouldn't go in the huff, but I wouldn't laugh either because it's just not something I find at all funny. I'm not keen on the use of sexual stereotypes that define some women as inferior in any context.

I would just simply say sorry and that you didn't mean to cause offence.

I thought that was pretty funny. I can see how it might be offensive if it was delivered in an aggressive way, but it seems fairly jokey to me. Then again I'm pretty hard to offend and find humour in many things I really shouldn't

I wouldn't give it too much more thought to be honest, I certainly wouldn't, but then I have no problem with people disliking me for just being myself. Their problem, not mine.

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OMG I just noticed ejc's list. I'm speachless...


Hmmm, it's interesting it's only (some) men who see nothing whatsoever that could possibly be offensive about the word 'slag' unless acompanied by obvious agressive body language and voice tone. Clearly being labelled thus, or the fear of that never dogged them throughout school, should they express their sexuality, and they've never nursed a friend who still has the word 'SLAAAAG' ringing in her ears as she recovers from a beating, or worse. Just because it can't or hasn't hurt you as an individual, that doesn't mean it can't hurt someone else, and it's only human decency that that possibility should be respected; I'm wondering if they would use other derogatory, racist or homophobic, words that have been used to degrade, in the same flippant and careless way?I think it's really naive to think: 'well, it couldn't hurt me, so if it hurts somene else then they are at fault and I have the right to do this'.

Yep. It shocks me that someone can be intelligent enough to go on to PG study, but yet be so ignorant and lacking in emotional intelligence.

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it's frightening slowmo, very frightening indeed.

This is so unbelievably depressing, I'm going to have to bow out of the forum until this blows over before I start to dislike people, I feel my illusions are being shattered in the most unpleasant manner... oh dear