Changed Relationship with Supervisor?
======= Date Modified 20 May 2011 19:19:53 =======
Has anyone been in the situation where their supervisor seems to have suffered a complete personality change with regards to the way they talk to you? I'm nine months in and I really liked my supervisor from the start, I was able to be very open with him and talk to him when problems came up. Not only that but he seemed to really encourage me to talk to him. My first field season didn't go that well but we agreed a way for me to catch up and I thought everything was fine. But recently he has been behaving very differently, extremely distant and cold. We have very formal meetings which he expects me to follow a clear agenda for, and I have to agree an appointment time several days in advance, and throughout each meeting he'll say things like, "you have ten minutes left." I know it's a very busy time with marking, exams etc., but he barely even says hello any more. If I ask him how he is he gives very formal replies. It's in such contrast to a few months ago where he'd sit down with a cup of tea and talk much more normally. To be honest it really freaks me out as he's one of the most open people I know. He isn't like this with his other student. The formality of his emails makes me feel so stressed, I can't help but feel attacked -- like he's judging me on not being prepared enough or focused enough. Should I just pull myself together and accept that this is what grown-up working relationships are like? I don't even have time to talk to him about it because I only have an hour to spend with him over the next two weeks and I really need to spend it talking about my thesis. I understand the benefit of having strong boundaries but I find it a bit confusing and upsetting, and feel very on edge because of it.
Supervisors have their own lives outside of our projects. We can be a nuisance as much as anything else. Give them a break, especially this time of year. It's their time we are taking advantage of. I have one hour with my sup every 2 weeks. I go in, we say hello, and get down to business. I have my work I want read and commented on. He does it. I have my list of questions and queries printed out for him, we discuss them. And then we set up the next meeting. He couldn't give a shit if I had to rush to get the bus cos I forgot to turn on utorrent, and I couldn't care less if they are changing the MA programme he first set up. We have a bit of friendly chat but he never remembers anything I tell him in past meetings and keeps asking me the same bloody questions!! I could get offended, but I realise he has a million other things on his plate. We have a great working relationship and that's the way I like it. If I have a problem he is the last guy I go to. At the end of the day it's my thesis and I'm the one doing it.
Hey Cornflower! I have a rather variable relationship with my supervisor too. We got on really well for the first 18 months/2 years or so, and then she threw a tantrum because I got engaged and she doesn't believe in having relationships or children, and in fact is completely opposed to either. She said some really unpleasant things and it's been very difficult to get things back to normal with her. Quite aside from that, she is like Jekyll and Hyde anyway- her moods can be wild, she is completely unpredictable, and she can go from being very attentive in a supervision meeting to staring out of the window and being almost unresponsive apart from strained and disinterested sighs. She has reduced several of the team members to tears with one lash of her tongue. This does seem to be much worse when she's stressed, and if we know she is, we all keep our heads down and steer clear. Maybe this is all that's going on with your sup right now- maybe there are issues going on in his life that you don't know about and he's just not himself for whatever reason. I think all you can do is just keep going and see if anything changes- it is hard, I get stressed if I think I've done something to upset my sup, so I understand why you're feeling a bit rubbish about it. Just try not to take it personally-it probably isn't just you, even if it feels as though it is, it's easy to feel like it's just you when in fact it's most people. I don't really know what to suggest apart from hanging in there and seeing if things get better! Hope things change. KB
======= Date Modified 21 May 2011 20:23:17 =======
The thing is, my supervisor is a genuinely kind person and is very emotionally intelligent. I guess there is probably a lot in his life that is worrying him but it's quite sad to think that he can't talk to me about it, and that things might be this way for the next 2 1/2 years. I am mostly concerned that problems I've had really have damaged my relationship with him.
I have worked in 'real jobs' for years and I know what they are like. I think the trouble is more that this is NOT a job and he's NOT my boss. In a 'real' office you have a clear goal and you know that your manager is there to make sure your project ends up in the right place. Not so with a thesis, it seems that the emphasis is constantly pushed back to you. It's not like you work FOR your supervisor, producing a body of work that they require, for a definite goal, in a definite timeline. PhDs can just seem so incredibly vague, like nobody in the world cares what you actually produce as long as you can argue about it at the end. I know that it's just the marking season and that everyone has a huge amount of work on. I know I internalise too much. I am struggling a lot on my project though. A lot more than I think you're "supposed" to struggle in your first year. Its hard not to feel dejected.
I agree with what it has been said by the others. I think that there are very few people out there, who can say that they had a smooth journey with their supervisors. I'd like to add that many other things come into play in that relationship, including politics and the department's own priorities. It may also be that your relationship was becoming too "personal" and he decided to mark the boundaries to avoid problems. We may argue over the method, but as someone else has already said, academics often lack people skills. I had a very difficult relationship with my supervisor, and it was very difficult to find an adjustment, but in the end I got to here, and I am now waiting for the viva. All I can say is that the PhD is a difficult process as Globe_trotter has remarked, and you need to find your own balance. Everything is going to be much easier if you have a supportive supervisor, but in spite of the hiccups and stand-backs, I found out that ultimately I managed to do pretty well by myself.
I know that it is tough, but you can make it if you are determined. Do not let this undermine your confidence.
It is impossible to really know what is going on with someone when trying to read between the lines. Consequently, I have long ago decided that I am not even going to try. If someone has a problem that needs to be aired with me--they can do that. If it is not important enough for them to bring up in a straightforward and unambigious manner, it is not important. Nor is it my job to try to read their signals if they are hoping I will bring up what is bothering them. Likewise, if I have an issue, its my responsibility to take it to the person, and put it on the table in a productive, solution oriented manner--and if its not worth doing that, then I should just let whatever it is go.
If I were in your situation, I would just brush it off and assume that the supervisor has some issue, and it has nothing to do with me. If it did, the supervisor needs to air it. If not, forget about it and just get on with your work. Take the advantages of a formal relationship and do not worry about the rest. I would far rather have a formal working relationship than a fuzzy boundaried--are we friends are we not--kind of thing with a supervisor. Your work will benefit from the formality of the relationship--and you will not need to worry about the personal part of it.
It is true that your supervisor features more strongly in your life than you do in theirs. Your supervisor is likely unaware that he/she is distressing you. I remember being the management level person in a small law office of about 8 people. One day when I had a lot of boring work to do, I shut my office door to get on with it. Little did I realise this was causing severe stress to the people in the office. Each one of them was sure I had shut my door for a negative reason associated with them and them alone. A few of them were sure it meant I was writing up paperwork to fire them! o0 all this because I was new and usually left the door open....imagine my surprise when I emerged with the boring work done to find the office in a right state...Its possible the same thing is happening in your exchange with your supervisor --he is responding to things that have nothing to do with you or his view on your work and you are translating it into something it is not.
My rule--unless someone comes to tell me there is a problem, there isn't one. If they do come and tell me, I appreciate the chance to find out and find solutions. I strive to never take work situations/study situations at a personal level. Work is work, play is play!
======= Date Modified 22 May 2011 11:51:57 =======
======= Date Modified 22 May 2011 11:50:30 =======
[quote]Quote From Cornflower:
======= Date Modified 21 May 2011 20:23:17 =======
The thing is, my supervisor is a genuinely kind person and is very emotionally intelligent. I guess there is probably a lot in his life that is worrying him but it's quite sad to think that he can't talk to me about it, and that things might be this way for the next 2 1/2 years. I am mostly concerned that problems I've had really have damaged my relationship with him.
I wouldn't think your problems have damaged your relationship with him. You are a person and are allowed to have problems. However, I don't think expecting or wishing that he would share his problems with you, is a realistic expectation. And maybe he is just setting a boundary because your relationship did seem so friendly at first and he has thought ' oh oh, this might be too friendly'-not implying here sexual-just too friendly for a supervisor and student relationship. Especially once you really get into the sticky end of the thesis where the supervisor becomes really critical and you hate them! Just a thought...
I'm hoping this works- I seem to be completely inept with the quote function!
Thanks everyone. I'm feeling much better about this, in fact quite idiotic for posting it. I've also gone from a management position to being "a student" again, being treated like a student when I kind of expect to be treated like a colleague. A PhD is a very differnet way of working to what I am used to and there are changed office and work dynamics which are affecting me quite seriously. They keep tripping me up because nobody else sees them -- hardly anyone else in my department has ever worked in a large office. I can really understand why my supervisor might suddenly feel that he needs to have a more formal relationship with me in order to keep control and make sure I get work done. It's a constant challenge to accept how academia 'works' relative to my old jobs. I've always had managers who I go have a coffee with, who talk about their families and the dodgy plumbing in their bathroom etc. I've almost always been the office 'agony aunt' who people go for a coffee with, but that doesn't happen here. But then, I've always had managers who are clear about what they need and expect from me which is very different in a PhD when a million times a day you're reminded that you're basically on your own. I've probably changed my attitude towards him as well. Weirdly enough, constantly telling myself that "I'm a student now," really helps me. Because this is NOT a job and I'm NOT working for my supervisor. He's there to guide me through MY project, not teach me how to write his.
