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Babygirl
Sunday, 1 March 2015 at 9:25pm
Thursday, 28 November 2019 at 9:45pm
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Blog: Are PhDs meant to be this stressful?

posted
28-Nov-19, 21:45
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posted about 1 week ago
Hi just reading this and my heart went out to you there. Very good advice have been given to you. I hope you made use of them.

You sound like a people pleaser if I can be blunt. You are trying to please everyone at the detriment of your mental health. Doing a PhD has enough impact on one's mental health let alone adding more to that, it will be overkill. I really think you need to prioritize your health and stop biting off more than you can chew.

Honestly without you that conference WILL hold, trust me, so delegate, be firm and make your life easier. PhD shouldn't be so stressful, it's a long journey and should be enjoyed amid the hardwork and grind, rather than endured. Take breaks, relax, ease your mind, balance life, do something fun routinely, live. I hope you made the right choices. You'll be fine. Best wishes.

Thread: Dilemma about working in same department with supervisor who sexually harassed me during PhD!

posted
25-Nov-19, 23:24
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posted about 2 weeks ago
Hi guys, it's been a while since I was last on this platform. Been busy finishing and earning my PhD. Yes I finally finished after years of toil hard work and sadly mental torture from my predatory supervisor. I am happy to say he didn't have his way with me but the emotional abuse ran deep.

So how did it end: I eventually got some courage and confided in my family members. I confronted him and also later reported him to my most senior supervisor, a female. She advised me to be firm but unfortunately no penalty or punishment was metted to the man. She didn't raise the case to authorities which perhaps protected me but said she will talk to him and caution him. I felt free and have been healing since.I stayed far from him even though he never apologized for the way he bullied me I have forgiven him. I realised I lacked self esteem and confidence which led me to endure Two torturous years of his abuse.


My current dilemma is if I should remain in the same department with him. I was offered a lecturing position in the department to start next year. I am grateful for the offer because there are no jobs in
my country and if I miss this job it would be hard to get another. I wish I didn't have to keep seeing him and working with him but I don't think it's wise to leave a good job because of someone. If anyone should leave, it should be him. I am a Dr. now and no longer a student he could bully. I plan to keep staying far from him and only interact with him if absolutely necessary. I observed he has been respecting himself and is now cordial with me as though nothing ever happened. I just feel like I will be living a lie if I join the department and have to work close to him again - a sexual predator and pretend like he is normal. Pls advise.

Thread: Done with PhD, now what?

posted
15-Mar-18, 14:50
edited about 22 seconds later
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posted about 1 year ago
Thanks Amuttaa. Best of luck with yours!

Thread: Done with PhD, now what?

posted
15-Mar-18, 08:43
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 1 year ago
Hi friends,
I wanted to give a quick update of my PhD. After years of peaks and troughs, I have defended before the board of postgrad school and I'm officially a doc. Though I'm awaiting the viva voce but it's usually more ceremonial than the actual defense.

Anyway I wanted to use this medium to say special thanks to everyone who has been there for me especially when I was struggling with supervisor issues. I finally had the confidence to tell him off and felt much better. I realized I needed to take charge of my health and not let anyone manipulate me. I didn't have to tolerate the things I did but I'm happy I finally became emotionally mature. I still have struggles with letting go of past hurt but I am more excited about the future and hopefully getting a postdoc position abroad. I am at crossroads about whether I should take the lecturing job here but I don't particularly like the system here so I'll focus on the postdoc outside and hopefully get a job there too.

For those that have completed their PhD's, what path did you follow afterward?

Thanks and love to all.

Thread: My abusive supervisor has conflict of interest with my publication at the last minute. Help!

posted
31-May-17, 13:48
edited about 4 seconds later
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 2 years ago
Quote From TreeofLife:
I don't think a change of title is a big deal and I don't see how this amounts to a conflict of interest. You could tell the other authors that you are thinking of changing the title to a more appropriate one and see what they think, then just ask the editor to change it.


Thanks for the suggestions but my point is I don't agree with their suggested title. They are correcting style not substance. I think the title is fine and depicts what the paper is about. Also, I have submitted DNA sequences to Genbank using that title. I know he is suggesting a change now to rattle me, so I would probably just ignore him on this or ask the other authors and see what they think.

Thread: My abusive supervisor has conflict of interest with my publication at the last minute. Help!

posted
31-May-17, 09:24
edited about 11 seconds later
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 2 years ago
Dear all,

So I need your advice and perspective again. I am currently in a dilemma with one of my supervisors. I have posted before about how he abused me and how I have been coping with the situation. I am now in my last year of the PhD, close to finishing and have been working directly with my female supervisor now instead of the male one and basically only communicate with him on work related matters via email mostly.

My latest worry is that I have been working on a publication, there are many authors including those I did most of the work with abroad. The paper has gone through revision and I am awaiting their decision. But lo and behold this supervisor decided at this last minute to say he is not okay with the title of the paper, that I should change it to something he suggested and write a letter to the editor before it is published. He got backing from my female supervisor so it is like out of 7 authors only two now have a conflict of interest.

My concern is he had all the time in the world to make his input but he didn't until now knowing fully well that it is close to publication. If I go ahead and attempt changing the title, it would hint at a conflict of interest and the paper might be delayed or withdrawn which means starting afresh. On the other hand, if I decide to disobey him on this, he might either try to 'punish' me by affecting my progress with my thesis or escalate the matter to the editors and maybe have his name withdrawn from the paper.

Now I know the problem he is having with this paper is as a result of his personal conflict with me and not really because the title doesn't read well as he says. This is someone who subjected me to two years of sexual and emotional abuse before I broke free from his stranglehold and took charge of my life again. Obviously he is trying to frustrate me and is looking for every avenue to thwart or delay my progress.

The bottom line I am confused about what to do here. The paper title cannot change right now, I think it's too late for that and I am fine with it but if a co-author is in disagreement then there is a problem. I also don't want to discourage my overseas professor who worked with me painstakingly and guided me throughout the paper writing process.

It is quite clear that I made a huge mistake slogging through this program without reporting him early. I thought it was best to manage through the program before reporting him. To think they want to retain me in the department after the program and I would have to keep working with him, makes me cringe.

Please advise!!

Thread: Advice needed on way to go with my supervisor who has/had romantic interest in me!!!

posted
05-Sep-16, 14:07
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 3 years ago
Thanks for the advice guys but it wasn't exactly easy to just change supervisors because there weren't other professors working in my field of interest and i felt i had gone far with my work. I'll talk to someone about it and seek support/advice. Thanks. And yes he has other students but they are married though i wouldn't put it past him.

Thread: Advice needed on way to go with my supervisor who has/had romantic interest in me!!!

posted
04-Sep-16, 15:28
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 3 years ago
No i am sure he is not on leave. He is doing it on purpose to spite me. That's most likely the explanation. Thanks

Thread: Advice needed on way to go with my supervisor who has/had romantic interest in me!!!

posted
03-Sep-16, 18:23
edited about 10 seconds later
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 3 years ago
Now my worry is i will soon return home and since he is no longer picking my calls or even asking how my research is progressing, i don't know how the situation will be when i get back. i know it will be pretty awkward and i worry he won't want to supervise me any more which i will even be grateful about. It's just that he has really helped me in my programme in terms of getting opportunities like this stay abroad and some funding so it might not be easy to do without his supervision.

Anyway i just wanted to ask for advise about what way to go. I have other committee members but he is the main advisor, so i don't know if i should start dealing with them directly instead but of course they will ask me if i have passed it to him. Now i want to turn in some of my thesis chapters, but since he isn't replying my email, i wonder if he would acknowledge my email let alone read my work. I don't know if i should send it to my other advisors. The worst part is if i report him i don't have any evidence except my word and he may lie against me.

It has not been easy dealing with the silent treatment but if that's what it takes to set things right, i'm willing to deal with that. I wish i could change schools but i really want to finish and get out of that environment. I don't intend to apologise to him again and i'm sure that will cause problems. I have gone far otherwise i will dump the entire program because i am not getting good supervisor support. I really don't know what the future holds and perhaps i should start applying to other schools it's just i like to deal with problems rather than run.

Sorry for the long read. Please help!!!!

Thread: Advice needed on way to go with my supervisor who has/had romantic interest in me!!!

posted
03-Sep-16, 18:22
edited about 2 seconds later
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 3 years ago
Hi guys, so it's me again with the supervisor issues i shared sometime last year. I am now in my penultimate year of my PhD programme and so far I have been managing my sup well as far as i could.

I have been patient and putting him off, even telling him i have a boyfriend just to keep things at bay and he actually seemed to back off but the emotional manipulation continued. He would accuse me of the slightest thing and complain about everything i did. For example, last Easter i was so busy i didn't wish people happy Easter. After the holiday when he saw me, he accused me of having poor relationship skills, that i didn't wish him Happy Easter, I was one of the few people on his social media and i didn't send a message. I started apologising again and that was settled. Now i travelled abroad and have gained more exposure and know better now that he is just being a bully and would do anything to torment me because he didn't have his way with me.

So in order to really put up professional barriers as much as I could, i deleted him from all my social media that he was on and decided to use emails or phone calls to communicate. But it appears he is now 'keeping malice' with me because for the last 4 weeks, he has refused to pick my calls or return them, he has also not replied the email i sent weeks back. Now i know he must have noticed i blocked him off social media and he must be angry but shouldn't he get over it. I mean it's my right to select who i want on my social media and i don't regret deleting him because i just have had enough of his BS. I am no longer a child and I am done with the emotional abuse. It's not healthy. Now I look back and i'm grateful i didn't fall victim to sexual abuse by him. He is indeed wicked and shouldn't be in that system but i am just waiting till i finish. I have confided in my mum who has encouraged me to be strong and is proud of me.

continued:

Blog: Satchi's satchi stuff

posted
22-Jul-15, 00:59
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 4 years ago
Hi Satchi just going through your blog posts, nice pieces. thanks for your post on my post the other day, very helpful advice you'all gave, i appreciate. anyway just dropped by here to say hi.

cheers!

Babygirl

Thread: In a complicated affair with my supervisor - UPDATE

posted
17-Jul-15, 22:55
edited about 18 seconds later
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 4 years ago
So hi guys. I'm here again to update my story on my sup who had a romantic interest in me. I was advised by many to change sups but unfortunately i couldn't due for many reasons particularly because i have gone far. Please make no mistake, my sup is a good person, very kind and all, generous, very workaholic, productive and my academic mentor. However, he is seriously flawed when it comes to women. Eversince i told him my stand, he respected that and presently he doesn't bug me anymore but now the issue is he still tells me things i do not solicit for nor want. For example he tells me details and i mean graphic details about his extramarital affairs especially recently when he almost got into trouble, he turned to me for advice. he also tells me about his home and wife and how things have long dissolved there. i have no choice but to listen and each time, i advise him to change and tell him i'll pray for him. i even encouraged him to confess to his wife about the extramarital affair which he said he did and she took well because they had drifted apart so she wasn't surprised. That was how i got in the mix and started playing marriage counsellor. Anyway i think i am dealing with him better and i have found a way to adjust to the things he tells me. i asked once why he tells me all these, and he said he has no one else to tell. that was when i urged him to tell his wife. I understand that one has to make sacrifices or pay some sort of price to get what you want, and if this is part of what i have to endure to get my PhD, then i'll manage. I never judge him, only reinforce my stand and encourage him to do what is right. i wish he would stop telling me these things and focus strictly on academia but no he apparently wont, and i don't wanna offend him because he gets so upset whenever i do. i'm still at his mercy for now, so i'll just try to be mature about it. it's all good. Pls your comments and advise are highly appreciated.

Thread: How do you make money while doing a full-time PhD?

posted
25-Mar-15, 11:40
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 4 years ago
Quote From TreeofLife:
I've earned about £400 per month from this type of work for the last 8 months so it's pretty good, but it will depend on what's available in your department. Also from leading tutorials, seminars and practical classes.


Please did you earn that as a graduate assistant or similar positions? In my department we have graduate fellowships but is highly competitive and i didn't get it. So is it possible to do this kind of work outside this employed positions? would it be illegal? i don't know.

Thread: is it advisable to work while doing a PhD?

posted
25-Mar-15, 11:29
edited about 24 seconds later
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 4 years ago
Hi this is just my opinion. I think you need to decide which is more important to you and chose one so that you can give it your best. There is no point doing either in a inefficiently, and since you can't seem to cope with the two you may need to quit one.

Best wishes.

Thread: Feeling hopeless and out of my depth

posted
25-Mar-15, 11:23
edited about 5 seconds later
Avatar for Babygirl
posted about 4 years ago
You are not alone in how you feel. I think it's normal to feel this way at the initial phases of PhD because i do too, and although i'm in my first year, i feel like i am not getting enough results and it feels so slow like i'm not doing much. Sometimes it even feels like i'm wasting my time but i know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I tell myself to keep at it and hang in there. It will get better in the end. My supervisor is co-operative and well aware of whati am doing, so i feel that if he thinks it is not robust enough he would point it out. There are times when i'm left alone to do all myself and i embrace the feeling of independence and report back to him.

Anyway my point is don't be discouraged, hang in there, read more and trust your work. You are the "CEO" of this research and you should act as such. The data may be small for now but i assure you it will get bigger and sometimes it's not about how small or large the data is, its more about the quality.

I have also learnt not to underestimate any data i have as 'small'. I blow it and report it as part of my findings. Even if it's just say temperature readings or GPS coordinates of your study area. Blow it, present it on tables, figures whatever and don't feel that it is small. As long as it is an important data, it matters. Develop a positive approach to the whole thing and exude confidence. Trust me your lab colleagues may not be more capable than you, they may only be more confident about whatever they are doing. Even if they have similar feelings like you, they may not show it. I believe things will get better with time.

Best wishes.
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