Hello, I've used the forum some time but haven't posted before. I hope you don't mind me asking for advice.

I'm halfway through my PhD & have had a little crush on my supervisor for the majority of this time. I'm not sure how he feels about me. Sometimes I think he finds me quite boring as I'm very shy, & he makes comments about me being very controlled, saying he can't tell how I'm feeling.Whilst he's professional & wouldn't behave inappropriately, he says he feels protective towards me, often asks about my boyfriend & even questions our relationship, plus he has warned me to be wary of other professors at conferences who might take advantage of 'attractive young women'. I'm admittedly very 'innocent' & I'm aware that older men can find this attractive, although he might simply be looking out for me.

I am quite an autonomous worker so don't arrange supervisory meetings often however he very regularly tries to involve me in his projects, and asked me to teach on his unit so we often spend a lot of time together. I often ask to meet with other female staff for coffee/lunch and to discuss my project with them, however for some reason I feel uncomfortable asking him to do the same even though it might be useful to have this time for informal PhD chat. I'm not sure if I feel uncomfortable because I have feelings for him, because I think he knows I have feelings for him, because I think he might have feelings for me, or because I'm worried that people might get the wrong impression if we spend too much time together socially.

I'm not planning to act on this & suspect my feelings are partly rooted in admiration, however I wonder how others might interpret this situation? Do you think his behaviour suggests feelings towards me? Not knowing where I stand is making me feel more awkward than ever!

(He is late 40s/early 50s and single, I recently turned 23)

Does anyone have any advice? SL

Others will disagree with me, however, age gaps don't seem to matter so much in academia as I've seen some massive age gaps in relationships I've not seen in the real world. If two people want to be with each other, what the hec (a general rule of thumb I guess I work to is once you're into your mid-to-late-20s, you know what you want and age doesn't matter)? Reading the above, it may be he fancies you too, however, you may be reading more into things in the hope something will happen. Are you absolutely sure you're not misreading a professional closeness with something more that does not actually exist.

However, it is a professional relationship you are supposed to be maintaining with your supervisor. Just suppose something does develop and it doesn't work out? You are there to do a PhD and I can't think of a worse situation than a relationshp failing and both of you trying to pick up the pieces of both his career and your PhD in the aftermath. Can you rely on both you and him to give your best should this happen?

At a guess, you're a second year PhD student. If you do decide to make some sort of move, at least wait until the PhD is finished with first. Then talk to him and decide what happens. But don't endanger you PhD and professional future before it's even begun.

One comment that does make me laugh is him warning you about being wary of other professors at conferences. They're so wrapped up in their subjects I don't think I'd give that a second thought. It's more likely that if anything is going to happen, it'll be between the younger post-docs and / or PhD students with no ties and are still single once they hit the bar in an evening. ;-)


Ian (Mackem_Beefy)

Yes. She shld not even think for a second of going there .................... She shld ignore all this stuff and focus on her work; anything else is only going to bring trouble. Sounds like a classic case of inappropriate expressions on the part of the supervisor and self-distraction on the part of the supervisee. Hard, I know, if you feel like this, but it spells danger in enormous red letters to someone of advanced years like me.

I've seen stuff like this develop before. More often than not, the 'crush' passes and both move on. It does read as he'll not cross the boundary as long as she doesn't give the signal. I hope for both of them profesionally this does not happen.

Examples: 1) A lecturer became involved with a student on another course while I was doing Masters. He thought the relationship was going somewhere, even to the point he booked a holiday for them both when the Masters ended. She ditched him as soon as she knew she'd passed, leaving him to pick up the pieces and bill for the holiday. He survived the experience, but was moved on quietly by the University a few years later when his contract ended. He was lucky to obtain a new post very quickly.

2) An academic at another University found himself exposed to blackmail when a student found out about his personal affairs. He was 'retired'.

3) I'm fairly sure a senior lecturer on my Masters had previously become involved with a student. In this case, they went on to have a family. However, this happy ever after was the exception rather than the rule.

The above is potentially very messy and I would not advise the opening poster to act on her feelings at least while she still is professionally involved with her supervisor.

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I had a crush on one of my own woman lecturers back at Masters, but knew to act would have been folly as most do. I know how it feels.


Ian (Mackem_Beefy)

Am I glad my two supervisors are women and the co-supervisor is not my type ;)

Anyway, I have worked a lot in IT before and I know how it is... It got better with the years, as I guess I used to be similarly 'innocent' like you. What I did was to 'ask' my boyfriend for a ring and worked on this relationship. Later I put on a very nerved ("Oh please!") facial expression every time there was a friendly and not surely professional comment from someone at work.

I noticed that there are differences between boundaries and walls - setting good boundaries can mean things are getting a lot easier with people, while I don't have to be agressive or avoid them.

PLEASE do not act on this! I can only see it ending badly. Your supervisor may well be aware that you fancy him and is flattered by the attention, but that doesn't mean it would be a good idea to take this any further. As for warning you about men at conferences, in my experience he was completely justified in doing this and is probably just looking out for you as he would any of his students - I had a particularly unpleasant experience with an old, lecherous drunken academic at a conference and I would warn any other young women to be wary of the same. The one that behaved so badly towards me was a highly-respected man in his field, married with children, but this was not enough to deter him from acting like a complete ****.

I don't think age gap relationships are a problem; however, I do think that superviosr/supervisee relationships are an extremely bad idea and could end up ruining your academic career. That may sound a little OTT but if something were to happen and it all went wrong, you could end up leaving your PhD on a very sour note. As I said, I really don't think from what you have written that your supervisor has genuine feelings for you anyway. Please be very careful not to get taken advantage of and I hope for your sake that your crush just goes away!

Hello, I second what most of the others have said. When I first read the title of your thread my first thought was, why on earth would you want to know what your supervisor is feeling. Just listen to what he says about your work... You have a crush, it will pass. If you still have feelings for him after your PhD then you can think about the possibility of romance but even then tread very, very carefully.

The relationship we have with our supervisors can be confusing because it is a bit like a marriage: there has to be trust, cooperation and commitment, but don't let this fool you! Good luck, you've come so far now, don't let this damage things for you.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I most definitely wont act on my feelings (even if I wanted to I would be too nervous!) and even if he did have feelings for me I know he wouldn't either (although I have to admit to sometimes wishing that he would...). In a way it's a positive as I'm working hard to impress him, although I do find myself fantasizing which is distracting!

I gather you've a current boyfriend given the above and things aren't as they should be. What is wrong with that relationship that is making you think of your supervisor as an alternative? If so, have I picked upon a second issue?

As previously mentioned, do not get involved with him for the sake of your PhD and your own future. After the PhD, it's up to you as you can then walk away (though also beware job references - yup, another issue to think about). However, it's the here and now you need to consider. If you have problems with a current relationship that makes you think of your supervisor as an alternative, you need to resolve this issue first.

My thoughts are it would be better single and happy, rather than seeing your supervisor as an alternative to a relationship that might have run it's course that might mess up your own future. Apologies if I've on the wrong path.

Ian (Mackem_Beefy)

P.S. I will admit my own 'crush' had great legs. However, it was born out of her as a person full of empathy being there for me when I was going through a period of bad health. I now see her as a friend who was there when I needed a friend most. Don't confuse empathy with genuine feelings.

Sorry to bring this thread up again, but I'm afraid my feelings haven't gone away as I expected, in fact they've intensified. I find myself increasingly attracted to the guy and wanting to spend more time with him, but a fear that he might realize how I feel and it might make the supervisory relationship awkward means I'm avoiding him, using the lab on the days I know he teaches, walking the long way round to avoid his office, speaking over email rather than face to face. It's terrible. I'm beginning to feel like I genuinely want something to happen, but I know it can't :(

Apologies if I sound like a lovestruck teenager