Interesting Outcome (Supervisor Attraction)
Hi there!
It has been a while since I have been on here! Though, I thought I would update on those whom were following my post in terms of supervisor attraction and whether to change supervisors....
So, I ended up telling him (via email) that I was attracted to him, and if this made him uncomfortable I would understand (I did think the feelings could have been mutual... hence why I ended up feeling confident in just sharing my thoughts). He said it was a little uncomfortable, that he liked to be friendly but professional boundaries were important (if anyone reads my last post.... I found this interesting!) and that if it would be an issue, we shouldn't work together.
We aren't working together at the moment, but however, I have been planning a project with him for at least half a year now... so I was surprised he could just "dismiss" me so fast... I didn't see it as an issue, I just needed to say it because it cleared that "awkward" feeling in the room of tension. I thought though he might have asked me to at least have a chat about it without completely saying "we shouldn't work together"...
Oh dear... :(
Part I:
Okay, so here's the thing (and you won't like this response, but it needs to be said).
You've put your supervisor in a very awkward position and there are a number of repercussions that can occur both for his career and yours. By telling him your feelings (and it appears that you were hoping that his would be mutual) you've altered the relationship to one that has implications of student/teacher romance, which is either illegal, frowned upon or against university policy depending on the university and can be grounds for dismissal, both from your program, and for him as a employee.
Whether or not you're working with this man is irrelevant, you are a student and he is faculty, this automatically makes this (potential) relationship fall under the above category.
It is absolutely an issue because and I repeat, You Are A Student, He Is Faculty and this is considered a breach of professional conduct.
He did the absolute right thing by making it clear that this makes him uncomfortable and that professional boundaries have to be maintained, otherwise any and I mean ANY indication that he has mutual feelings that can be backed up by evidence (such as an email) can work against him in a case of a breach of conduct. He has NO obligation to discuss with you these feelings other than completely saying "We cannot work together".
In doing this, he is protecting himself as an employee of the university, but also protecting you. This kind of behaviour can be detrimental to a career in Academia.
I've linked a copy of a conduct and compliance page from my university for you to read to get an understanding, though I'm sure your home university has something similar to this effect (http://www.adm.monash.edu.au/workplace-policy/conduct-compliance/staff-student-relationships.html)
Part 2:
He may have grounds to approach a university service to file a complaint/grievance against you under a policy such as Inappropriate Conduct by Students (#5 in the policy link I've provided) as he has solid evidence:
-Unprofessional or inappropriate conduct towards a staff member that is initiated by a student is not acceptable.
-Unprofessional or inappropriate conduct by a student is likely to breach the ‘Discipline (Student) – Guidelines’, ‘Statute 4.1 – Discipline’ and other university policies and procedures. Grievance procedures apply, depending on the nature of the conduct.
-A staff member who needs assistance in responding to unprofessional or inappropriate conduct that is initiated by a student should speak to his or her performance supervisor, the Head of the School, the Dean or the Divisional Director, Monash HR, Equity and Diversity, or one of the Advisers listed in the Discrimination and Sexual Harassment Grievance Procedures.
I don't know what the whole circumstance of this situation is, reading your past posts indicated that perhaps he had an interest, but it appears that maybe this is one-sided on your account (again, this is just based on what I've read).
Basically, my advice is that unless you feel that an inappropriate relationship has developed/instigated by him and have solid evidence to support this claim (in which I would encourage you to report to your university a breach of conduct) you need to distance yourself and rethink your career movement & strategy if it is dependent on him.
This is not a small issue, it is actually a big deal and unless dealt with professionally, you can lose your place in the university program or he can lose his job. In either situation, both of your careers have the potential to be severely damaged, with yours ending before it even started.
PhD itself is a very demanding and nerve wracking journey. By doing such a mess you would not be able to achieve your desired results. We are human beings and not machines. It may sound good in theories 'other things remain constant two people having mutual feelings for each other can work without any problem' simply does not apply here. We are affected by people as well as surroundings. In my opinion you can not work with someone after this much melodramatic situational turns. The only way for you is to move on personally and professionally from this person. Ultimately it is your choice period.
P.S. I like that you changed your username babygirl
Ah- but if it was the same poster, then it would indicate something approximating the same degree of mentalism that the staff member was accused of by various individuals on this board :)
Well lets hear from the OP what is the truth. If it is not the same poster then I would be certainly disappointed seeing two people in this situation :(
Hi!
No, I am not babygirl (but though now it was mentioned - I went to have a look at her post!)
My story is very different... my supervisors wife passed away (in which I did not initially know until he told me over coffee) - but we met before I was a student of his... actually he approached me asking if I was from the department - and we initially just had a lovely conversation. Ironically, I ended up having him as a lecturer later on that year... and I became interested in his field of work. We became quite close... him giving me compliments such as I "always looked so good" and that "I was stunning" (so hence, I thought there might be some mutual interest) ... it did get very personal, because he opened up about his late wife and family.
I was developing feelings and before we started working together... I thought I better just say something before it became too much. I told him if the situation made him uncomfortable, I could find someone else to work with.
Thank you for the comments so far - I know, it is a difficult situation - one that is very delicate and private. There is more to it than this - it is just in a nutshell that I have described here.
Hey! Thanks for clarifying. By reading all your posts i must say that there are so many people who are sharing their perspectives in order to help you. Do not take it lightly or that we do not know what you know. But in both the situations (urs and babygirl's) it is apparent that the person (your supervisor) is manipulative. Manipulators keep playing with your mind and leave you guessing. They also readily opt for your sympathy, like here that his wife passed away. He will deny his feelings and keep sending you the signals that he likes you. Please leave your mind and time for your PhD. A Pshych student? You should be able to figure out early.... All I can say is MOVE ON.
Hey! Thanks for your replies! I agree with chickpea... though as a training psychologist - sometimes we are better understanding others than ourselves! :P
I do not think you realise the severity of your situation should your supervisor or someone else decide to report you.
It is not relevant that your supervisor's wife has passed away or that he approached your prior to enrolling, or that he has children, or that it is as you claim 'a complicated situation.' The ONLY thing that is relevant is that:
You are a student.
Your professor is faculty.
These two roles alone, without taking into consideration ANY other circumstances are grounds for breach of unprofessional conduct, which is grounds for dismissal from the university and detrimental to your career.
Both you and your supervisor are breaching professional codes of conduct. While I don't know what university you attend, I can assume that the most universities will have similar policies in place regarding professional conduct between faculty and students.
For the sake of your career, you need to stop making excuses both for yourself and your professor. You need to take a hard dose of reality and realise that you are jeopordising your academic career for a man who may or may not be interested in you.
As a student, you hold less leverage than your professor. Because you've declared your feelings in written communication, which he has a copy of, and is saved on university system servers, should this be brought to the attention of the university, you may lose your place and face severe repercussions because it will come across that YOU, not your professor, has instigated an inappropriate relationship (regardless of whether or not he instigated it first). If you do not have ANY written or solid evidence of him approaching you in questionable ways then you are pretty much f*cked if he reports you.
To reiterate, You.Are.A.Student even though you are pursuing a PhD. I cannot stress that enough. There are no 'complicated' situations when it comes to potentially romantic supervisor/student relationships in the eyes of the university.
Do not fool yourself into thinking that this man or another member of faculty (or another postgraduate student who might suspect what's going on) won't jump at the chance to report what's happening. Academia is very competitive and not everyone is nice or friendly/wouldn't jump at the chance to ruin the career prospects of someone else.
While you might be under the impression that this is only between the two of you, the reality is that it may very well not be. As there is an email, there is solid evidence on the email servers of the university to support a third party's suspicions. IT can access these if needed (my partner works in IT and is often asked to restore deleted emails from employees who have been fired etc).
As someone working full time in a university post PhD and having to work with a variety of policies, I can tell you this:
I'm not trying to scare you or make you feel bad, I am trying to help you in the case that you are reported for inappropriate behaviour. You keep saying that this is a complicated situation and while it is, you have to consider how the university is going to view this. They are only going to see an inappropriate relationship between a supervisor and student, and they are going to use written evidence to support this.
As myself and others have suggested, you need to:
Get away from this man, he is toxic to your academic career if this is the path you want
Take a step back, read your university policies, consider whether there is a chance someone else could be partial to what is occurring and may have reasons to report this
Consider whether this man might report you to save his own ass.
