Hey guys!

I was just wondering if anyone else is battling through a PhD with some sort of mental illness? I have bipolar disorder and went through a really shitty patch a few weeks ago, although I am feeling a little better now. Most days, I still dragged myself into the office to at least try to get something done, but spent half the time in tears, unable to concentrate or do anything productive. I broke down on my supervisor several times and whilst she was very sympathetic, it really isn't her job to play counsellor. I also burst into tears in two other meetings and now feel really embarrassed about it. I guess I really should have tried to work from home or something, but when I get ill, my routine is really important to me and I would feel worse if I didn't manage to make it into work. But it's not really fair on others if I am going to burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

Is there anyone else out there with similar problems? How do you cope when you feel really crappy? Any thoughts/advice would be much appreciated!

Cheers,
KB

Hey,

I don't suffer myself from any mental illness [although I'm sure many of PhD students in times of frustration and stress as themselves this question:-)]but one of my students and currently a friend suffers from bipolar disorder. One day he just disappeared. This was when I was no longer teaching him. I was away for 2 weeks and when I came back my colleague told me he didn't submit his essay and he just disappeared! I couldn't believe in what was happening. He is extremely smart and had a great academic potential. He was always involved and simply put himself out there. So it all sounded very strange to me. I couldn't just leave it like that and I sent him a text asking what was going on and requesting a meeting. Fortunately, he replied and we met. Although I told him he didn't have to share his problems with me, I simply wanted him to come back and sort things out. He trusted me enough to tell me he was bipolar and this was the reason why he didn't submit his essay and stopped turning up. He is back now and doing well. I asked him if what happened could have been prevented and he said it could. He said it was his fault. He stopped his medications and he stoppe going to his regular meetings with psychologist. I don't know whether you are on medications, but from my friend's experience I think that it is possible to be a PhD student or do anything as long as you take your medications (if you have them prescribed) and meet with psychologist on regular basis and especially when you feel something is not right with you and you're about to 'crack down'. Also, although I don't know whether you've done that or not. I think that your supervisor and people close to you in the department should know that your bipolar. People have more understanding than you might have ever expected. They will understand and be there for you if they understand what is happening and what is the source of your problems/behaviour and you should not feel guilty when it happens, only try to do your best to prevent this.

Good luck!
M

I've suffered on and off with mental illness - anorexia in my teens and depression of varying levels on and off with self-harm etc ever since, particularly in the last 2-3 since a failed marriage. I have a close friend with bipolar disorder so I've also some idea about how that can affect your work. She had a terrible relapse whilst weaning herself off meds and had to take a large chunk of time off from her degree to recover, which was a slow but very successful process with full support from the university. I had a fairly severe episode of depression which affected the first term of my PhD and, on this occasion, found that the meds they gave me made things different but very much not better. When it first started I tried to keep going as much as I could but I was exhausted and in a very bad state for going anywhere or doing anything, although I managed to keep work going as much as possible. Eventually, after missing a few classes and rearranging supervisions I finally explained to my supervisor (by email to avoid risk of breakdown etc!) who was very understanding. Fortunately the episode only lasted for a few months and with the help of my boyfriend I got through it without it affecting my work too badly. What you're dealing with sounds a great deal worse. If you aren't already then I would have thought you ought to be seeing a doctor and exploring strategies for getting through this, whether it be medication or psychiatry or both, and you should probably consider taking some time off, not because you're being unfair on other people but because you're not going to help yourself. I do understand what you say about the importance of your routine but if being in work is causing you to spend half your time in tears I don't think it is necessarily the best place for you. Good luck.

Hey guys,

Thanks so much for your replies. It can be a lonely business when you feel as though you're the only one going through something and wondering if things will get any better or easier. My supervisor is aware of my illness- I had been keeping it to myself when I started, but my diagnosis appears on my CRB check so I couldn't keep it quiet for long as the head of department insisted that I told her. But you are right- it is actually a relief that she knows, and she has been extremely supportive and understanding.

I do see a consultant regularly about the bipolar, and a counsellor, who has been brilliant. I take my medication (although I would really rather not sometimes!) and the stuff I am on now is pretty good. A few years ago things were really bad, and I actually dropped out of uni three times in my undergrad years and re-started, yet on this medication I have completed my third year undergrad, MSc, and am now halfway through my first year PhD without any breaks, so I know it's really important to keep taking it. I just wish I was a bit better at handling things when they go wrong!

As things are, I have been feeling a little better over the last week, so will probably keep going the best I can and try to ride it out. Looks like it will probably be another day of trivial and brainless tasks, but I guess they all need doing in the end anyway!

Cheers again guys, have a good day!
KB

the fact that you dropped out three times during your undergrad and are now onto a phd shows amazing determination to achieve despite your bipolar, so keep that in mind when things get tough! i have never suffered mental illness myself but have witnessed it first hand in close family members so i know how bad it can get. i just wanted to say stick with it, and you are to be congratulated on the way you have handled things so far. best of luck :-)

I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for how well you are managing!!!
I don't know what area your PhD is in but there are possibly a number of things that might help.
Try and talk to your University's disabilities office. I was extremely reluctant to do this as despite suffering from a mental illness I didn't want to get bound up in all of the negative connotations of 'being disabled' but my counsellor suggested I did....
I was walked through applying for DSA which meant that I got various equipment (computing stuff, a voice recorder) that I couldn't have otherwise have afforded. It means I can work from bed if I'm having a particularly bad day! Voice recorder is great for sending other people off with to lectures if I'm in no state to attend..... I also got a books allowance, which isn't really that useful when you're doing a PhD where the site reports are out of print. But it enabled me to get a selection of interesting/useful books that are difficult to get hold of at University, and a photocopying allowance.
To be honest, the most helpful aspect of it is I can send one email in to the disabilities office and they'll tell other 'approved' people what's going on, extend my library book loans, etc....
I do hope you try to be a bit kinder to yourself :)
x

Hey cheers people!

I am trying to think a little more kindly of myself- I am very good at beating myself up, but then I guess we all are sometimes! My PhD is in Clinical Psychology (somewhat ironically!) so I guess I am in a good department with respect to people being understanding! I have actually been encouraged by my counsellor to go for the student disability thing, but I already receive financial help as a result of my illness and don't really like accepting that, even though I am entitled to it. Sometimes I get so tired of filling in forms and seeing so many people because of the bipolar that I don't feel like I want to go through any more of it, but I know I should probably think about it- it does sound pretty helpful and I guess that's what it's there for. I'm really not so good at asking for help!

Will keep plodding, I have spent a whole day photocopying and filing, so at least I have got something done, however dull. Hope everyone else had a more exciting day than mine! And thanks again for your encouragement and helpful suggestions!

KB

hi Keenbean and everyone else
Its really nice to share. My maternal uncle is bipolar. Its difficult to be around him, if hes gets in one of his episodes, he can say really mean things.

I am depressed; but I am fighting it. When I feel crappy, I like to watch TV shows. Like Little House on the Prairie episodes. The problem is when I start watching, I can't stop, and I have to fight that. But when I watch, I feel better.

Also, I like this forum, because it gives me the company of "friends" and anonymity. So there is no expectation and no pressure.

Lets all get better. Cheers, satchi

I like the sound of 'all getting better'! I had another shitty day today, but had the sense to actually get away from the office and go to the gym...I am learning, albeit slowly!! And it did help! I sometimes like a spot of TV too, but nothing as tasteful as Little House on the Prairie. More Family guy or Southpark or something equally trashy :)