Lost my mojo
That's wonderful news Teek :) Very pleased for you. Glad the GP listened so thoroughly. Hope the consultant helps too.
Hey Teek! Sorry to hear you're feeling a bit rubbish. At risk of repeating myself again and beginning to sound like the PGF mental health advisor, you are not being pathetic, or weak, and you don't need a clobber round the head. I'm really glad you have been to see your doctor- if you are suffering from an illness (mental or otherwise!) it is not your fault and you deserve the help and support that you need. Some GPs can be very dismissive about these sorts of things but it sounds like you have seen a decent one. Hopefully you can now get some help. I've been on medication for bipolar for about 8 years now and it's been a horrific battle, but now I have the appropriate help and support I am back on track and doing well, so if it is depression or something then there is every chance that there is something there that will help you. And as some of the others have said, go see your uni counsellor. I've been seeing one for over 6 years now, and she has been fantastic. Without my medication and my counsellor I wouldn't still be at uni and I wouldn't even be on planet earth. I didn't want counselling or psychotherapy at first but it has been invaluable- so go along, have a chat, and see if they can help! It is hard these days because a lot of people seem to think depression is just like having a bad day or something (including some doctors!), but it is so different to that and it needs proper treatment. Hope your appointment with the consultant goes well- it's definitely a step in the right direction, good luck and let us know how it goes. Big hugs, KB
Teek, you have echoed my thought's with frightening precision. I'm in exactly the same situation as you at the moment, a stick in a pile of cow dung. I just feel really, well, angry (though I'm not strong enough to come across as imposing), despondent and and questioning my capabilities. Of late, I sit down to do work but nothing gets done. A whole day with stuff all to show for it! If only people could really see what it's like for some of us PhD students.
I'm really glad that you're getting some help. You'll soon be on top of it, I'm sure, and sprinting for the finish line. Not to sound self-indulgent but I feel like a priest, helplessly dedicated to a religion (my PhD) that I'm just furious with. And I think my personality has atrophied as well because I'm sure I come across as interesting as the instruction manual for a Black and Dekker workbench to other people.
I've written you a poem to help you get your Mojo back, called Mojo Come Home.
Teek needs her Mojo,
Where did it go?
She's lost her drive,
Because her Mojo has decided to skive
Oh, Mojo can't you see,
To Teek, you're the sugar in her tea,
Oh, Mojo can it be,
You're truly lost at sea?
Mojo come home,
You don't have to roam.
There's a place in Teek's heart,
Of which you are a part!
Dolphins cannot swim,
Birds crash into to bins,
They have no last Rolos,
Not without their Mojos
Teek is not the same,
Writing is a pain,
Graphs fall off her pages,
Her computer's taking ages.
Teek needs her mojo,
to launch Operation PhD A Go Go
Without you she's too slow,
like moonwalking through deep snow
If you come back,
no one will attack,
not the army or the navy,
everything will be just gravy.
Mojo, come home.
Hi Teek
I just wanted to say hi and I hope things pick up soon for you. I don't have much in the way of advice to give either, but I have felt similar to this a few times in the past although not as strongly as you seem to be today. Just don't feel bad or guilty or anything like that, you have to accept how you are yourself, and that includes all the days when you don't understand why you are feeling low, it's like a vicious circle when you don't allow yourself to accept how are feeling as it just gets worse. And logically knowing or believing something doesn't always translate into emotionally or mentally believing something. I'm really glad you've got a GP who seems to pay attention, I hope you can get over this hump and get back to enjoying your work, however long it takes - don't rush it, the phd will always be there when you are ready. massive hugs, algaequeen xx
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I know this will make me sound like a bit on an internet-dependent loser, but I really don't know what I'd have done without this forum's support. Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, I wish I could send a big box of cyber chocolates to say thank you. Really though, you've given me support I simply couldn't have asked for anywhere else. Today seems a bit brighter just for having aired things, although I'm not sure those sleeping tablets my doc prescribed helped - I'm all muzzy and my mouth tastes of bitter crud!
Ah wally, your poem has brightened my morning, although I'm very sorry to hear you're feeling bad as well. As selfish as it may sound I feel a bit reassured to know that it's not just me. You always come across as so dedicated and on top of things, so perhaps this isnt so damning for me after all. It's an interesting comparison, the religion one, but I think there are similarities. I quite often feel like turning my eyes upward and screaming "My results, my nature journals, why have you forsaken me?" (apologies to any christians, I assure you I mean no disrespect with this altered quote)
Keenbean, I thought of you as I know you've battled with the bipolar for a long time. That's also my sister's current diagnosis so I imagine it'll be considered for me as well. I am debating my uni counsellor, just a bit dubious as they take the "6 sessions and out" approach, while I know this is something I'll be managing for life. I have looked for therapists before up here, but having had so much treatment I know I need someone pretty specific and I worry that I won't be able to find them in this area (last therapist I found online had a website blabbing about EFT and covered in pink swirls and angels - beurch!). But I will keep an open mind, at least through uni I'd see someone quickly (GP list took a year last time).
Keep_calm, thanks for the encouragement, I'm repeating your screen name to myself on a regular basis!
Algae, you're quite right. I know that the guilt cycle, like the anxiety, just drags me ever-deeper. I guess letting go of it is scary because it feels like you'll never work again if you let go of that self-flagellation. But then it's not as if beating myself up has gotten me anywhere great so far.
Hello, I am new to this forum, although if honest have to reading (stalking) it for a while! Just wanted to say I feel for you it really is pants feeling pants! Like bilbobaggins I have long-term ill health - systemic lupus in my case and often find it difficult 'to keep on keeping on'. Hope you feel at least a little bit better soon, and try and be kind to yourself. Am really glad you have had a positive response from your GP. Best wishes, Redridinghood
Hey again Teek! Yeah, I guess 6 sessions wouldn't be so useful. It might be worth asking whether they keep people on longer-term... our counselling service often sees people for just a few sessions, but have longer-term slots as well, and a specialist CBT person too. I certainly didn't go there expecting them to keep me on for 6 years, but they seem to be very flexible and have been brilliant with me. I was also a bit worried that they wouldn't really be suited to people with more severe mental health problems, and the counsellor I see (well she's actually a psychotherapist, but anyway...) has said that even she doubted she would be able to deal with me at first, but we clicked really well and she is very experienced, so we seem to have made an awful lot of progress. The other thing is that it would be very difficult to get this level of support from a counsellor/psychotherapist (in terms of time and number of sessions) on the NHS, so it might be worth taking advantage of the student services while you can, if they would be able to offer you some appropriate support (i.e. ongoing support, not just 6 sessions!). The other thing might be to ask about having a CPN...the consultant you see might be able to sort that out for you. I used to have one and that was quite helpful in terms of practical support, although I find the counselling service better for me than the CPN personally. Anyway, hopefully the consultant will be able to discuss options with you, hope it goes well and you are able to get some help and start feeling better. It's good to try to get help now, my life was torn apart by the bipolar a few years ago- I spent 4 or 5 years in and out of hospital, dropped out of uni three times, and honestly thought that it would be the end of me (at one point it very nearly was). Now I've found the right help (medication and psychotherapy), I still have to be very careful with my lifestyle, see the consultant regularly etc, and I have my ups and downs, but nothing like what it used to be. Life is great again and I appreciate it even more now! Fingers crossed you find something that works for you. Best, KB
Hi Teek, I've come onto this thread so late so don't really have anything useful to add to what has already been said, I just wanted to give you my support. Having been through something similar myself, I understand how difficult it is to recognise that you have a problem and ask for help; I remember feeling so much better when I had told my GP and supervisors and they could help me. I am now on medication and am looking into having some counselling.
I really hope you start to feel more yourself in the next few weeks, and I'm sure your mojo will return!
Take care, Nxxx
It often amazes me that so many people have this sort of problem, what is it about our lives that is doing this? Why are so many of us feeling this way? As my old mate's dad would say: summing's not right!
Eska - this sort of thing makes me think of Freud's 'Civilization and Its Discontents'. Basically as civilization increases and our lives become more complicated, instead of being happy that we have a bigger income, more choice, a more interesting lifestyle etc., we become more dissatisfied and depressed - Freud called it "normal human misery". It's also linked to narcissism...I won't go into all the detail here but it's very interesting! I think that we are forever trying to impress ourselves and others, we forget what is really important in life...looking after ourselves, working/studying in academia really doesn't help.
Redridinghood, I think the "keeping on" is a big part of it, as lame as it sounds I often just feel tired. I really struggle to accept this as a permanent part of myself, I think not getting treatment is perhaps my way of denying it all, not wanting to be "that" person anymore. After the last hospitalisation (7/8 months inpatient about 5 years ago) I thought I'd beaten this stuff. It overwhelms me when I imagine fighting the battle forever. I guess I have to find a way to come to terms with it and just be grateful for when it goes well.
Eska you're right, it seems like an epidemic sometimes. There's actually a book called The Curse of Adam and Eve, it's basic principle is that the massive evolution of our brains created great intellectual potential, but as a side effect it also created the potential for all kinds of mental illness and problems. An interesting theory though obviously, not without flaws. The irony is that my work is in an area of mental health, so we're all very positive about it in theory, but at the same time no one talks about it impacting on their own lives.
I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling as well Natassia, very glad that you're getting help though. I agree with you about modern society, have you read Alain de Botton's Status Anxiety? I think our unstable, highly mobile lifestyles don't help either (see academia!), the fact that we're all desperately recreating a sense on community online says a lot in my humble opinion. I accepted a while ago that a jetset lifestyle wouldn't bring me happiness, yet I still feel that sense of pressure to sign up to those ideals.
Keenbean I think you're right, easy access to counselling is not to be sniffed at, and I can always leave if he/she hasn't sufficient experience, I'll give them a call :-)
I've heard of that book and the author but I haven't read it - will try to get hold of it, sounds very interesting! With the MSc course I am doing (Psychosocial Studies) I am very interested in how social change affects our psyche, I do think that the increasing prevalence of depression has a lot to do with the society that we live in and the increasing pressure that we are under, if we choose to have a decent career and lifestyle.
I hope you're still feeling a bit better, take care and let me know how you are getting on, Nx
hi teek, i hear you, i know exactly the feeling , I have just been and still am going through similar to you ie with phd and relationships suffering and its such a weight..I.havent really done much work either in three months, but getting better ... hang in there, there are lots more important things in life than a working hard on a phd and once you give yourself some time and proper care and try to focus on the stuff that makes you happy , the work will follow when your feeling better.. thats what i believe anyway and hope!all the best
