Severely depressed about my PhD
Hi all,
I apologise if this sort of post is really frequent on here but I just need to get some opinions on my situation.
I am currently doing a science based PhD, just at the end of my first year, and I despise it. I can't even bear to look at it anymore. To make matters worse it got so bad that I fell into a bout of pretty horrible depression (don't worry I'm dealing with it with the help of my doctor), work motivation has been non existent for about 2 months now and I am basically on the verge of leaving.
The only things I really enjoyed about it was the practical animal work and some lab work - everything else I pretty much hate. And I am not even interested in the subject anymore. I read papers and they just bore the hell out of me. :(
I think I have now realised that I don't want anything to do with academia or even anything related to my phd, I want a complete change of career. So to keep going is an even harder challenge.
My parents seem to think its a case of phd blues but for me it just seems like the whole thing is wrong for me... :(
I'm down and feel horrible every day about it. It's just awful.
But I don't know what to do. Endure it and just push on with it or leave and do something else? (I have something in mind already).
Thanks for any views or opinions or advice.
Hi,
Let me just start by saying I know exactly how you feel. I'm at the beginning of my 2nd year and I have days where everything seems completely hopeless on this PhD journey. During my first year I participated in individual and group therapy for anxiety and depression. I'm not going to lie I still struggle with both everyday (and actually just posted about my own fears).I guess the best advice I could give is too only listen to your heart on the good days. Depression can really alter our view on life and have us make hasty decisions that we wouldn't normally make.
I think you should maybe give it on more semester while you work through your issues and then decide if it's for you or not.
If you do decide to leave though, know that it's completely okay. Life is too short to be miserable!
Hope this helps :)
If you really think that the PhD is not for you, you shouldn't continue. There are the PhD blues, and then there are the "Holy Shit, This is just not right for me." You are already feeling this at the end of your first year, can you imagine how you might feel down the road?
There will always be moments when the literature you read bores you, and you might find that as you get more into it, your interest will grow. I know for myself that my own interest grew as I continued, but at the beginning I was unsure/found my interest a bit lacking.
Is there an option for you to continue lab work, or to take on a Research Assistant or Lab Tech role while you figure out your career change? I would look into that to keep you going while you determine how to get into that career you want.
It's okay to start a PhD and realise it's not for you. There is no shame in trying and realising that you might be better off doing something else.
Hi,
Let me just start by saying I know exactly how you feel. I'm at the beginning of my 2nd year and I have days where everything seems completely hopeless on this PhD journey. During my first year I participated in individual and group therapy for anxiety and depression. I'm not going to lie I still struggle with both everyday (and actually just posted about my own fears).I guess the best advice I could give is too only listen to your heart on the good days. Depression can really alter our view on life and have us make hasty decisions that we wouldn't normally make.
I think you should maybe give it on more semester while you work through your issues and then decide if it's for you or not.
If you do decide to leave though, know that it's completely okay. Life is too short to be miserable!
Hope this helps :)
Ah it's good to know I'm not the only one! Thanks so much for your advice! Yea I'm not letting it make me do anything impulsive so I'm going to try and stick with it for a month or so.. But even contemplating it right now literally makes my stomach turn.... :(
If you really think that the PhD is not for you, you shouldn't continue. There are the PhD blues, and then there are the "Holy Shit, This is just not right for me." You are already feeling this at the end of your first year, can you imagine how you might feel down the road?
There will always be moments when the literature you read bores you, and you might find that as you get more into it, your interest will grow. I know for myself that my own interest grew as I continued, but at the beginning I was unsure/found my interest a bit lacking.
Is there an option for you to continue lab work, or to take on a Research Assistant or Lab Tech role while you figure out your career change? I would look into that to keep you going while you determine how to get into that career you want.
It's okay to start a PhD and realise it's not for you. There is no shame in trying and realising that you might be better off doing something else.
Thanks for your reply!
That's the thing I'm at a point of feeling like it was the biggest mistake of my life... :( And I'm just terrified of persevering till final year only to realise I can't write a thesis about something I loathe... And I wish literature excited me down the line. But I have completely no interest in any of it. :(
Not sure about lab work. And I have a career in mind - Nursing - something I wanted to do even before my undergraduate but was persuaded that a science degree would get me a better paying job... However I'm plain terrified to quit and then not get in to nursing which then will leave me with nothing.... :( But to be stuck doing something I hate for another 3 years which won't even lead me to something I really want to do - now that terrifies me more...
If you really want to pursue a career in nursing, then follow you dream. Don't stick with something you can't stand, especially a PhD. It's going to get much harder and more stressful the longer you stay with it. The key with a PhD is that you need to be passionate about your thesis - which gets you through the rough patches midway through, and then in the later stages when you are 'over' it.
If you really want to pursue a career in nursing, then follow you dream. Don't stick with something you can't stand, especially a PhD. It's going to get much harder and more stressful the longer you stay with it. The key with a PhD is that you need to be passionate about your thesis - which gets you through the rough patches midway through, and then in the later stages when you are 'over' it.
I want to follow my dream but I'm scared to leave. Also I'm scared of disappointing everyone. I know I sound silly but that's just how I feel at the moment. :(
Hi there,
I have to agree with Barramack, in that it's really hard to finish a PhD if you haven't got that passion for your topic. I felt like you in my first year and contemplated leaving to try another career path. Instead I stuck with it and am now starting my fourth year, and it's been a huge struggle. Every day is difficult trying to find the motivation to keep going but I feel that with a year to go I need to try and finish this thing.
You need to live your life for yourself and do what makes you happy. In terms of disappointing family/friends etc., if they're disappointed that's their problem and they'll get over it. I know from my own personal experience that family can have a way of making you feel guilty about these things, but it's your life and you have to be selfish. If you decide to leave and they are disappointed, they'll get over it when they realise how much happier you are. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
Tulip
Hello. You said "loathe". You should have quit yesterday. My wife is a medical doctor, and yesterday she was telling me about a young man in his teens who came in; who had hung himself for whatever reason. Unfortunately he did not die, and suffered irreparable brain damage. Needless to say his family is utterly crushed.
All of that was to say is that at the end of the day, life has to have meaning for YOU. Not anyone else, not your parents, your friends, your neighbours or your pets. Sure we have all had at one time or the other had to work a shitty job in order to pay the bills, or take a course we hated, but when you find yourself in a position to transition, you make your move.
Staying in your PhD is not only hurting you, but it is taking up space at your institution and using up their resources which could be spent on someone REALLY motivated to do the work. Don't make a joke of the Academy and don't unnecessarily burden your supervisor(s) when you don't want to be there.
I am sure you parents rather you be happy that be "Ms. Happy" than "miserable Dr. so-and-so" If not, too bad. Its simple. Break the bad news to them, do the same with the supervisors and save yourself next semester's fees. Then you look at nursing training, when the next intake is, what exams or requirements are needed, you may have missed enrolment which gives you time to get all of your competencies in order for next time and also try to visit with some nurses to ask them if the Profession is all you imagined it to be. Fear is worrying about something which has not happened, and probably never will. Regret however is very real. You know what to do.
...the clock is ticking...
Wow part of this post is a bit harsh. This person is not making a joke out of anything. Starting something you thought was for you and then figuring out maybe it isn't is not a huge deal. No need to be rude.
Hello. You said "loathe". You should have quit yesterday. My wife is a medical doctor, and yesterday she was telling me about a young man in his teens who came in; who had hung himself for whatever reason. Unfortunately he did not die, and suffered irreparable brain damage. Needless to say his family is utterly crushed.
All of that was to say is that at the end of the day, life has to have meaning for YOU. Not anyone else, not your parents, your friends, your neighbours or your pets. Sure we have all had at one time or the other had to work a shitty job in order to pay the bills, or take a course we hated, but when you find yourself in a position to transition, you make your move.
Staying in your PhD is not only hurting you, but it is taking up space at your institution and using up their resources which could be spent on someone REALLY motivated to do the work. Don't make a joke of the Academy and don't unnecessarily burden your supervisor(s) when you don't want to be there.
I am sure you parents rather you be happy that be "Ms. Happy" than "miserable Dr. so-and-so" If not, too bad. Its simple. Break the bad news to them, do the same with the supervisors and save yourself next semester's fees. Then you look at nursing training, when the next intake is, what exams or requirements are needed, you may have missed enrolment which gives you time to get all of your competencies in order for next time and also try to visit with some nurses to ask them if the Profession is all you imagined it to be. Fear is worrying about something which has not happened, and probably never will. Regret however is very real. You know what to do.
...the clock is ticking...
Hello. You said "loathe". You should have quit yesterday. My wife is a medical doctor, and yesterday she was telling me about a young man in his teens who came in; who had hung himself for whatever reason. Unfortunately he did not die, and suffered irreparable brain damage. Needless to say his family is utterly crushed.
All of that was to say is that at the end of the day, life has to have meaning for YOU. Not anyone else, not your parents, your friends, your neighbours or your pets. Sure we have all had at one time or the other had to work a shitty job in order to pay the bills, or take a course we hated, but when you find yourself in a position to transition, you make your move.
Staying in your PhD is not only hurting you, but it is taking up space at your institution and using up their resources which could be spent on someone REALLY motivated to do the work. Don't make a joke of the Academy and don't unnecessarily burden your supervisor(s) when you don't want to be there.
I am sure you parents rather you be happy that be "Ms. Happy" than "miserable Dr. so-and-so" If not, too bad. Its simple. Break the bad news to them, do the same with the supervisors and save yourself next semester's fees. Then you look at nursing training, when the next intake is, what exams or requirements are needed, you may have missed enrolment which gives you time to get all of your competencies in order for next time and also try to visit with some nurses to ask them if the Profession is all you imagined it to be. Fear is worrying about something which has not happened, and probably never will. Regret however is very real. You know what to do.
...the clock is ticking...
Condescending and, in parts, nasty post. I urge LouLou15 to ignore it.
Hi there,
I have to agree with Barramack, in that it's really hard to finish a PhD if you haven't got that passion for your topic. I felt like you in my first year and contemplated leaving to try another career path. Instead I stuck with it and am now starting my fourth year, and it's been a huge struggle. Every day is difficult trying to find the motivation to keep going but I feel that with a year to go I need to try and finish this thing.
You need to live your life for yourself and do what makes you happy. In terms of disappointing family/friends etc., if they're disappointed that's their problem and they'll get over it. I know from my own personal experience that family can have a way of making you feel guilty about these things, but it's your life and you have to be selfish. If you decide to leave and they are disappointed, they'll get over it when they realise how much happier you are. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
Tulip
Yea I agree with you about the guilt thing... :/ I need to learn to be selfish I think but its so hard... :( Thanks!
Hello.
Staying in your PhD is not only hurting you, but it is taking up space at your institution and using up their resources which could be spent on someone REALLY motivated to do the work. Don't make a joke of the Academy and don't unnecessarily burden your supervisor(s) when you don't want to be there.
I am sure you parents rather you be happy that be "Ms. Happy" than "miserable Dr. so-and-so" If not, too bad. Its simple. Break the bad news to them, do the same with the supervisors and save yourself next semester's fees. Then you look at nursing training, when the next intake is, what exams or requirements are needed, you may have missed enrolment which gives you time to get all of your competencies in order for next time and also try to visit with some nurses to ask them if the Profession is all you imagined it to be. Fear is worrying about something which has not happened, and probably never will. Regret however is very real. You know what to do.
...the clock is ticking...
Very honest post indeed. I have a lot of guilt over the resources that are wasted on me at the moment. Im not trying to make a joke out of anyone - so Im trying to find a solution for this. :( Thanks for your advice.
I did not mean to offend you LouLou15, and if I did, I apologize..I am generally not known for my soft touch around these parts :P I see however you were able to extract the meaning out of my post so I am fully confident you will be ok. Do not give up on that nursing dream. Trust me, that little voice only gets louder.
Good luck!
