It's like watching paint dry.
[Cue rant]
Had the viva, passed the viva. Borderline minor/major corrections (to the extent they gave me the choice of three months or 18). I opted for 18 with a view to completing in three months and made my target. I then submitted the completed document to the external.. this was in June. I've heard nothing from him in five months. His attitude is "he opted for 18 months, I'm taking 18 months" - wish he'd put me out of my misery and say if I passed or failed the damn thing! :-(

That's unfortunate, Hypothesis. Have you spoken to your supervisor about it? I know that it's not in their hands, but I'm sure it would be acceptable to send the examiner a polite email/letter of enquiry, given that five months have passed.

I can only imagine how impatient I would be, particularly after working hard to get it done in time.