Hi. I plan on starting my PhD in Sept-Oct, which involves me moving across Europe to study. My boyfriend will not be coming over (at least for the beginning) so we will have to make do with visiting each other as often as possible. We have been together for 5 years, and he seems to be fully supportive. However going through this forum, I have seen so many couples breaking up. Does anyone have any good tips regarding keeping us together across the continent? Are there any things we need to discuss before hand? We have considered visiting each other once a month, and using internet chatting/Skype for the remainder!

Thanks

I was in Germany for six months and broke up less than 4 months after return - distance wasn't a factor per-se but rather exacerbated existing issues of depression, career paths diverging, etc.

Anyway, what helped was to buy plane tickets in advance (cheaper) so as to have definate dates for seeing each other and something to look forward to. Absolutely see each other at Christmas and birthdays (I paid £300 to arrive on sat night for his birthday and fly back out on the sunday morning) because those are the times distance will pinch even more.

When you do see each other watched out for small intimacy things slipping away and talk about it so that you can nip it in the bud as a couple. If you start visiting each other and spending that time as best friends without sex rather than as a romantic couple you need to do something about it asap because the distance will crow-bar open anything like that.

You've been together for 5 years so seem to have a strong basis. Try and get your boyfriend to agree to a date for coming over to join you asap so you both have a future to work towards. Otherwise, if it became a white elephant in the room, or a date that is always in the future, it will start to eat away at the relationship if an end to the distance apart is not in sight. Sorry if this sounds bleak or blunt, but without him coming over frequently and later staying for long chunks of time, it would be very hard to sustain a long distance relationship for the entire 3-4 years of a PhD - esp. since you will be moving away for postdocs afterwards. If you are to be together you need to learn as a couple to accomodate this. In the years of the PhD you will want someone there to support and hug you - and he will want to be with his girlfriend soyou should def. talk upfront about how lonely it will be at points.

Probably best to be honest now about how much moving around their will be in the future...

Small things that ease the distance are postcards, photo albums on facebook of your new life, and text messages.

I found moving abroad so amazing and tried to share it with the boyfriend as much as possible. For me it marked a high point in my academic life (competitive prestigious German institute funding) but for him it went alongside the collapse of his PhD. So enjoy the experience, keep talking about your relationship, and try and make sure you are on the same page. If that stops, then you might have to accept that perhaps the relationship will not run the full-course. Eitherway, enjoy the experience. Good luck :)

Hi Ailicec

Firstly, congrats on getting your PhD place, I hope you enjoy it!! Secondly, in answer to your question, I would say it can be done, but it all depends on who and how you are as individuals, and as a couple. I'm in final year of my PhD and my boyfriend has just started his postdoc. We have been doing a long distance relationship for about 2.5-3 years now I think. It's not easy at all, at times it can seem like there is no point spending so much time and effort missing someone so much, but then you have the odd weekend together where it's just wonderful. We see each other about one weekend a month, although last weekend I actually moved over to live with him while doing my writing up (I have 2 surprisingly understanding supervisors!). We've managed to make it work so far by understanding it's not forever, we will be able to have a 'normal' life eventually, and by sheer force of will to not break up! It's very much a rollercoaster of emotions, similar to what you'll experience during your PhD, but I would say if you are both willing to try it, and you know you want to be together, then you can do it. It takes a serious amount of trust, patience and understanding, as you'll be away meeting new people and your boyfriend will inevitably have tho odd jealous day, or be insecure that you're moving on from him, and you'll be equally frustrated that he doesn't understand all the new experiences you are having, and you'll be insecure that he's moving on from you. This is all normal, the key is to remember what fights you are having just because of the distance, and what fights are really about you as a couple. You will so learn so much about each other and you relationship can become so much stronger for it. Good luck!

great advice from algaequeen and chrisrolinski! I think you'll be ok.
Skype for me is great communication and I would agree that planning ahead is essential!!!
Once a month is a good plan; I think it will work.
congratulations on your phd beginning too!
love satchi

Thank you for your replies...like the thing with planning ahead...because like that you always have something to look forward to...thanks for the tips etc etc...:D

I started dating my boyfriend just before crossing over the channel to France for a year of research. Madness, yes? We're still together almost a year later & very much in the honeymoon phase. I think it works really well to be in a long-distance for a phd as it means you can concentrate on your work fully/be anti-social & then when you do see him/her it can be special, romantic and (mostly) stress-free. We try to see each other at least once a month & write to each other everyday. It can get frustrating sometimes, I'm seeing him in two days and it's just unbearable waiting!

Obviously it depends on the relationship and who you are as individuals but it's been pretty ideal for me.