please help me!

posted
16-Nov-11, 00:12
edited about 8 seconds later
Avatar for asemaneh67
posted about 9 years ago
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend when we both studying our Master degree two years ago.our relationship got more serious when we both finished our course.he started his phd 2 months ago and everything starts to get worse.we are not the same as we were before.he started to forget things about me .he is very serious in his studying and seems that the situation will get worse all the time.I do feel very alone now cause he moved to another city for his phd. this really bothers me and I am thinking about splitting up but I love him and its very difficult for me..I do not know if he feels I am not supportive enough but I am very sick of this relationship and I don't want to be his second thought all the time..I feel like I am not his priority any more and that's out of my control .what do you guys think? what should I do now?
posted
16-Nov-11, 15:03
Avatar for aishadekunlelawa
posted about 9 years ago
i believe you should have patience and try to be there and support him in this journey. I believe that this is not easy for him as well, he is just thinking of the future and out of his depth as well. take care and communicate more.
posted
16-Nov-11, 19:03
edited about 9 seconds later
Avatar for Hypothesis
posted about 9 years ago
A PhD is a relationship - with all the ups and downs that go with it. Your solution, I think anyway, is simple. You either want to make a relationship work, or you don't. If you do: Lump it safe in the knowledge the next three years have every possibility of being hell, especially the last one. But (sorry to the Grammar Police!).. he may just be the one for you.
Second: Throw in the towel - plenty others out there. Have a break, sit on the sofa, watch crap telly and eat junk food, then find another fella.
Simples. ;-)
posted
16-Nov-11, 20:14
by Pjlu
Avatar for Pjlu
posted about 9 years ago
Talk to him about how you feel. Some men aren't keen on the 'feeling' discussions but most will put up with them and talk about things if they want a relationship. This is as long as they don't occur too frequently and seem to make you and the relationship happier overall. (Meaning-the discussion has a productive outcome and isn't just a long whinge or circular negative talk that goes nowhere and happens all the time).

He has probably put you on the 'backburner' ( meaning prioritising study over relationship) for a while because the PhD is such a big thing-especially in the beginning when it is new and exciting. However, this doesn't mean he doesn't value you or the relationship. It may just mean that he is comfortable enough and trusts you enough to believe that he can focus on the PhD for a bit, and that you will be okay with this-not walk out on him immediately.

Once you have had a relationship for a while, (aka around 18 months or so), most people believe that they can be loving, etc but don't need to make their partner the focus of every waking minute. So believing that you have to be his priority all the time is perhaps a bit unrealistic for a long term relationship. But you do need to talk to him and tell him how you feel so that you can have a dicussion, he can reassure you and you can both make plans about things you can do when you are together so that you don't feel so isolated.

If you can't live with this, then you might need to think about whether this relationship is for you or has a long-term future but I wouldn't make that decision without trying to sort out what your issues are at present. And you might need to give him a break...two months into a PhD and he is going to be pretty absorbed and invested in it for a while but that doesn't mean he doesn't love or value you.

The other thing is...what is going on in your life right now? I mean, aside from your boyfriend and his PhD? What sorts of plans and projects do you have going and are you still staying in touch with friends and going out and having some fun. It is important that you do this...don't just sit around waiting for him and being miserable. Do some things that you really enjoy and love doing, so that if you are apart at times, life isn't just about waiting only for the times when you are together.:-)(gift)

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