Hello, first post here!

I started my PhD this year and so far it's been a mixture of severe anxiety and some success.

The good - I have started working on some of my boss's ideas and managed to get results that I will submit to a conference soon. I am studying in Europe, so I have a MSc already, and some previous research experience essentially through Master's Thesis and internship, so getting something publishable in the first year is not uncommon.

The bad - I have had many periods of severe anxiety (I am on therapy for lifelong problems of general anxiety) related to my research, how much my boss likes me, how I compare to others, etc. I often feel paralyzed and lose all my hope in being a reference in the field.

In intellectual terms, this PhD has been the most rewarding activity I've had since I started university, so I'm very happy with my choice. However, I'm very obsessed with being the best, or at least very very good and impress everyone around me. I often tend to get overwhelmed by this and procrastinate (I'm more of an over-worrier than a workaholic) which contributes to not achieving this high standard I set for myself. Another thing is that I tend to avoid things that I don't know well - I get anxious and avoid those papers, books, etc, even though I know that studying them would be good for me. I compare myself to others a lot and feel extremely down when they know more than me...

I sincerely apologize for the length of this post but I needed to vent out, as recent times haven't been the best... Anyone has any particular advice on how to deal with this kind of anxiety? Is it fair wanting to be extremely good in a world where everyone seems so smart? Do very successful people also experience this type of anxiety or am I doomed to failure?

Three words will solve your problem:

You need counselling.

Counselling will make you more confident, less stressed and motivate you.

You are perfectly fine as you are. Don't let your supervisors dictate or shape your rhythm of writing. Instead, start getting published if you think you are hitting something more insightful, get that published before your Phd, that article is more important than your Phd. You are facing the same problem I faced- being dumbed down by the Phd supervision process and the hassle of arranging both supervisors to read your drafts and such. The major problem of doing Phd is to accept how litte there is any intellectual component. If anything, Phd only means they you can articulate in that particular language which for most of us is in English. You are not the next or Stephen
Hawkins. Or if in social science, Foucalt or Bourdieu. Unfortunately, this academic pace is what cripples intellectualism becaue some students are ahead of their supervisors like it happens for most international students like myself as we face immigration and visa problems making us more focussed and more ambitious than local students. It's not fair how we produce PhDs compared to them but once you are here, you are part of this archaic system And even if you tell yourself this is better than what you could have done back home, you are still being dumbed down and under appreciated. I have learnt that here, they are always going to give preference to their own kinds first unless, you are already published then it is beyond doubt that you deserve to finish wit that pace. So, divert intellectualism in to academic journals.

Hi, first of all congratulations to you for coming all this way to do your phd :-)
This part about being obsessed to be the best and to impress people -- my honest advice is not to be so hard on yourself, try not to obsess about being the best, I know you want to do your best, obviously, but sometimes this can be very difficult on ourselves. I feel that we don't have to impress people, just be yourself.

I have made stupid mistakes myself -- I pick myself up and move on.

If you avoid things you don't like, I think almost everyone is like that. Sometimes if we don't like something, we don't have to do them, but sometimes it is necessary to face them so we can overcome whatever it is that is getting us down. Whatever it is, don't put yourself under pressure.

A Phd is may be difficult to do, but can be enjoyable and meaningful.

If I were you, I would be kind to myself, and work to get over my periods of anxiety (I myself used to get panic attacks at night!). So once you are ok, you will feel better and more comfortable with yourself and feel less inclined to want to impress people!

You are your own boss, your happiness comes first.
love satchi

The hassle of having supervisors check your work... supervisors who have probably been in the field for 10 - 30 years and you think they don't know better than you

I wouldn't say most international students are ahead of their supervisors. Far from it.

I wouldn't say that international students are more focused and more ambitious either. I think all students are. If anything, international students have it easier in terms of job prospects.because many of them have academic jobs to return to at home, or that are very easy to get for people with PhDs,

I'm going to have to agree with TreeofLife Ganesha.

I am an international student and I don't see my supervision as being dumbed down nor do I see myself as any more competitive because of my international status. I also do not view my international status as a hindrance even though I have additional visa and immigration issues to worry about. I chose to study here as an international student and I am aware that I may have additional challenges that my local colleagues do not. I do not expect the university to be more accommodating for me, I have adjusted myself to suit the university's mission and ethos.

But I've done well here, having just been offered a Level A teaching position at my uni after completion of my PhD, because I worked hard and because I took on board all the wisdom my supervisors have given me. I do not think of myself in any way more intelligent or better than them, they have had years of academic research and experience under their belts, and the purpose of a PhD student is to learn from them.

supermariobroche, if you have a good supervisor, let them help you! Let them help you with your writing to improve, I allowed my supervisors to help me with mine and you know what? One of my examiners commented that my writing was stylish and well suited for a variety of audiences! Your supervisor is meant to guide you, and don't worry about being the absolute best because you won't be. Be the best for yourself and don't hold yourself up to impossible standards that make you feel anxious and unsure.

Do take some counselling, it will really help you out (trust me, I went through a bit as well). It takes awhile to see the results, but in the end its worth it.

When I get far too anxious, I try to think" You are the best at what you do, even if only because you are the only person who does what you do" (The second part at least is always true).

Not always the case...my most recent counsellor suggested that I drop out of university...back then as much as now, 4 years later, I know that would have been the worst possible move!

First of all, you're doing PhD - not many people get this far. That should give you a bit of confidence.
Second, if you end up comparing yourself with people around you in academia, then just remember, there's nothing wrong with being average. Most people are. Don't let it become a fear.

As a bit of an achiever during my undergrad and M.Sc., I haven't really felt the benefits of having things under your belt anyway. Much of life is luck. I don't think of myself or others having much intrinsic talent. We were just born with average abilities, and had the chance to work hard at developing them.
As a friend of mine said: "If the village idiot spent 5 years working on my research question, even he'd get some results". Remember to keep things in perspective.