another thing I need to get off my chest - needy friends

posted
06-Apr-16, 11:38
edited about 2 seconds later
by AOE26
Avatar for AOE26
posted about 3 years ago
A quick "Hi Friend D - my news? Just the usual research nailing my time which I do not want to bore you with. Hope all is well with you. Really need to knuckle down with the research and pump in some hours. Sorry I can't commit to anything for the near future, will drop you a line when things ease up". Then it's your call when you reply.

If you don't want to be friends then be up front! Yeah it's never nice but sometimes people need a dose of truth.. they may not like you but you may save someone else the same hassle!! "Friend D - sorry to be blunt but there is no way of saying this nicely but I cannot continue to take on your problems/issues... I do find it quite draining. I hope you manage to sort xyz and good luck in the future. I need to focus on just a few things at present i.e. PhD and I am sure at a different phase of our lives we could have been good friends.".
posted
06-Apr-16, 13:43
by BevCha
Avatar for BevCha
posted about 3 years ago
The above advice is great!

Satchi you sometimes have to be cruel to be kind, it is possible that these 4 people are not aware that they are over the top or are aware and simply aren't bothered that they are OTT, BUT this doesn't mean that you are wrong to make statements AOE26 suggests.

A few years ago I had a friend who I would routinely rearrange my life for so that she could drone on and on and on about her life and her own bloody self induced crises. I have no shame in saying that I just snapped one day and told her to grow the hell up and stop being so self centred. The only thing I lost out of it was a false friend and what I gained was my free time back the drama-free life which I much prefer and I had time to spend with friends where I felt the respect and affection was reciprocated.

Trust me its liberating!
posted
07-Apr-16, 08:43
edited about 18 seconds later
by satchi
Avatar for satchi
posted about 3 years ago
hi AOE6 and BevCha, thanks for your helpful answers! Largely appreciated!
Come to think of it, I haven't snapped at anybody - I really should start.
What I tend to do is avoid a person, I think snapping is more effective.

love satchi
posted
07-Apr-16, 10:50
by BevCha
Avatar for BevCha
posted about 3 years ago
Hi Satchi,

I am glad you are finding the advice useful. About the snapping its probably not the best way to go - in my situation her behaviour was becoming beyond unreasonable and there was no other way I could react.

I think you really just need to stick to your guns and make statements along the lines of
'...I am sorry but I already have enough going on in my life which you never seem to consider as you always make every meeting about you and really this isn't the way I want to have my free time/lunch date/coffee date so maybe its better we just leave it at that. I wish you the best..'

My biggest concern for you was friend A because that was behaviour that was inappropriate and pressuring. Friend B, C and D are nothing out of the ordinary in terms of them being their own favourite topics of conversation. With people like that the less you respond and make plans they do, after a while, often get the message. Friend A though?...that's not normal

Sending you a cup of coffee!

Cha
x
posted
07-Apr-16, 12:13
Avatar for chickpea
posted about 3 years ago
I agree with BevCha - whenever I snapped with my difficult friend, it just put her into 'wronged' mode and she wanted an apology, and because I'm not normally a snappy person (and I strongly suspect neither of you is either!) I would end up giving an apology to keep the peace. I think assertive is the best way to go here. Good luck, Satchi!
posted
09-Apr-16, 01:01
edited about 23 seconds later
by satchi
Avatar for satchi
posted about 3 years ago
hi bevcha thanks for the coffee! I used to love coffee with condensed milk, then I went off sugar - only milk, then only cream, then vanilla lattes *LOL*

oh yes. Now that I have not done any emails to Friend A, the twice-daily emails have now become once-daily (after ten days)

hi chickpea, yes you are right, I need to be assertive.

thanks again
love satchi
posted
20-Apr-16, 14:18
edited about 6 seconds later
by satchi
Avatar for satchi
posted about 3 years ago
hi everyone
just wanted to give a quick update - after taking a 3 week friend-sabbatical (no emails, no picking-up phone calls), I finally wrote back Friend A and told him that I was busy, and that I would not be replying to emails as frequently as before. Guess what, he wrote me back the same night, and here is one sentence from his message:
"I will still bombard you with emails even if you don't get time to read them. "

He even mentioned in the email -- "let me know when to call when you are able to talk"

Will these people EVER get the message???!!!

Anyway, I have decided not to answer any more phone-calls and I will only email back when I feel like it.

It took me a while to adjust to being like this, and today I feel so much lighter and happier.
thanks again
posted
21-Apr-16, 09:07
by AOE26
Avatar for AOE26
posted about 3 years ago
Now set up a rule in your mail to auto set all his messages to read and dump them in trash or to a folder. That way you won't feel guilty about having to read them!!
posted
21-Apr-16, 09:20
Avatar for chickpea
posted about 3 years ago
Yes, the situation with Friend A is pretty unhealthy. He's more or less saying, 'you fulfil some need in me so I'm going to keep on acting in the same way even though I now know it isn't suitable for you'. That's not a two-way friendship and I wouldn't feel bad about just backing off from it.
posted
23-Apr-16, 03:36
edited about 25 seconds later
by BevCha
Avatar for BevCha
posted about 3 years ago
Hi SatchI,

I would send a reply saying that this email will be the last as I will not be pressured or harassed like that!

Wow that is seriously unhealthy!
posted
23-Apr-16, 09:40
edited about 5 seconds later
by satchi
Avatar for satchi
posted about 3 years ago
I haven't replied to him since the last email. If I tell him not to harrass me I think it will get worse when he emails back to say he is not harassing me, and then he will email to say how distressed he is because I have said he is harassing me. There is a possibility it will make the harrassment even worse.

In the beginning, I was happy to have a friendship over emails, talking about food etc. But after three months he started to include the words, "worry about you" "when you like someone, you can't help by worry" etc.

Anyway, I set up a rule using the Filter option in my email -- miraculously ALL the emails (from Inbox and Sent!) disappeared into a new folder. It was nice not to see Friend A's NAME in my inbox.

But it has been 2 days now -- and the Rule hasn't worked! I am still receiving new email into the inbox!?!
posted
23-Apr-16, 11:28
edited about 1 second later
Avatar for TreeofLife
posted about 3 years ago
Try the block option? You can always undo later on I think. Don't know if they get a message back though saying this person is blocking you...
posted
24-Apr-16, 09:19
edited about 7 seconds later
by satchi
Avatar for satchi
posted about 3 years ago
hi tree
Another two new emails received today!
Here is one sentence from today's email "Hoping all is well over there, I'll try ringing you Tuesday morning again"

I think I did not set the rule properly in the "from" and "to/cc" boxes, so I have redone that this morning. For now I will not block the email address yet, it seems the sender will receive notification that the email is undeliverable, it could make things worse.

Not going to take calls on Tuesday though.
posted
28-Apr-16, 14:46
edited about 43 seconds later
Avatar for Richland101
posted about 3 years ago
I know I'm a little late in responding but hey, I'm new here and this thread grabbed my attention since I've had needy friends and I've been a needy friend once or twice in life.

Here's my two cents: Blocking people is sure a solution but then again, decide if you want to take the path of an escapist. If these are the kind of people you don't mind hurting/losing, then you can sure delete them just like that from your life.

If these are people who genuinely need a good friend, owing to whatever it is they're going through in life, then you blocking them away could hurt them more. Why would you want to rub salt on their wounds?

Also, considering you're the "hyper-kind" may be it would help if you toned down a little? That way, you wont be sending out wrong signals to such people. If you don't like clingy people, then you'd be better off setting right expectations by not being way too involved.

If you don't really know what to do, then ignoring can help.
posted
28-Apr-16, 15:24
by satchi
Avatar for satchi
posted about 3 years ago
hi richland101
I like your username! I would like to be rich, own a lot of land - and 101 is a great number.

thanks for your advice.I have toned down my hyperkindness.

Those days, I was happy when I signed "love satchi" and none of my friends were needy then.

Now I am still happy but have stopped signing off love satchi.

I don't really know how much being an escapist applies to me, yes? no? I haven't blocked Friend A. In fact, I did send one email to Friend A, I kept it short, and now things are better, he is not sending me sentences like "I miss you" "I like the idea of you beside me". I also told him not to call my phone. That seems to have worked because when I don't see his name on my mobile (when he's ringing) I feel so much better. I just hate speaking on the phone. I also hate skyping. I only use Skype for work.

I haven't deleted him from my list of friends, I am just happier with lesser communication, one email once in a while from me is enough for me. Now his emails go into another folder which I managed to set up properly (the 2nd time!) so I feel better too, I don't see his name right away.

thanks again

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