Hello everyone

I've seen so many things written about over-sensitive students having to get used to critical comments etc from supervisors. But what about if you have an over-sensitive supervisor? I can't find a single thread or comment on this.

I am not really sure how to cope with this. I am not rude or arrogant but I need to talk honestly and openly, when there are problems I need to discuss them, or if I have an alternative view I need to state it (within reason obviously). When I do any of these things - CLASH!, my supervisor almost visibly recoils, or if not in person, gives silent treatment by not replying to emails in the usual time-frame (I thought I was imagining it at first, but it is definitely a pattern).

I've never really experienced this kind of clash before, even though I worked for a good few years before embarking on my PhD. I'm a people person and not really inhibited or shy. If this was a personal relationship and now a professional one, I think we would both realise we are incompatible and move on as quickly as possible!

Oh - just to add - we seem to be able to get on OK for a while (probably while I am managing to put on a bit of an act that isn't really me) but then every so often there is a big-ish clash.

Can anyone offer any tips or advice, or share their experiences?

Feel pretty desperate.

Sounds like quite an awkward situation. How involved is your supervisor with your research design - was the project one that they suggested initially? Is he/she an expert in your field (rather than just having some research interests in common)? I'm just wondering if they feel threatened in some way by your ideas departing from theirs - could be a case for trying to manage someone's ego!

Thanks for the reply. Yes, we sort of joint wrote the proposal - but it was her original idea. She has said I can deviate from it, as we only wrote it to get the funding. She is an expert in her area, but my specific topic is relatively new ground for both of us.

I think she does feel threatened but it was like this before the PhD when it was just the masters and I hadn't at all deviated from the plan. So I don't think deviation from the plan is the problem. Personality clash I guess. Just don't know how to deal with it. Should I try to change my behaviour and be miserable, or be myself, offend her, and be miserable because I've offended her and made things harder! Those seem to be the options!

Hi there Tudor Queen, it is just a clash of personal style (extraverted versus introverted) or similar? It doesn't sound like you are arguing with her in a personal way?

My thoughts are that you might find that relying on your professional skills the best way to move forward, doing this without worrying overly much about her feelings beyond being polite and friendly. She may find an outgoing and frank approach confronting but if she does, then to some extent this is her problem to manage not yours. And you don't really know the reasons for her responses-she could be like this for any number of reasons. .

I would not use email to discuss anything that might be controversial or where you think there is a problem. When there is an issue or disagreement with a person, face to face or phone is definitely the way to go in my opinion. Email can just really exacerbate any issues.If she were a work colleague or team mate, you probably wouldn't be able to just move on but would have to work with her, so perhaps relying on the professional skills you have and use in the workplace might be the way to go.

Perhaps a focus on the working relationship, your mutual goals (both of you want you to get your PhD and do well) and forcing yourself not to worry or agonise over your personal style versus hers, might help? .

Thanks for your reply Pjlu. I think you have hit the nail on the head - I think she does indeed find an outgoing and frank approach confronting. When I get the silent treatment I try to tell myself, "ah well, it is her problem not mine - she'll have to get over it." And she does. And I get over my anger too. But argh... for another 2 years?

You are right - I would not be able to just move on if it were a colleague - we would have to work together. But the thing that makes this more complex is the power balance / supervisor-student relationship. Because she is at a higher level, I feel almost like I am being defiant or arrogant by having confidence and a grip of my own emotions and behaviours while she seems to react negatively to this. Does that make sense? It is hard to explain.

So a question. Would you by all accounts be against trying to raise the issue and discuss it? That is my natural inclination in any conflict situation - so that we can be open and have a better working relationship going forward. But something has stopped me from doing that over the past nearly 2 years.

I tend to do the same as you, Tudor_Queen, and raise stuff so that it can be sorted. I have found over the years, though, that this just makes some people deeply uncomfortable and they will go to any lengths to shut the conversation back up without anything being resolved. As much as it makes me uncomfortable doing this, I am gradually learning that some people just don't feel comfortable with open, frank styles. I think in a supervisor-supervisee setting, with the power imbalance that you mention, I would probably find a way to work with her preferences, even if it meant stuffing my fist in my mouth at times!

I agree with Chickpea, I wouldn't raise it either. You don't need your supervisor to be a friend or close mentor-they simply need to supervise or provide guidance as you complete your PHD and then move on. I would try not to worry about it too much but simply make a decision to raise what you need to raise, 'pick your battles' so to speak and when you do raise points of difference, do it in a way that talks about your perceptions and perspectives on this issue. EG: Stating that you are raising this so you can clarify this with your supervisor and how she views the issue before deciding on any action.The main thing (I have found) in any ongoing professional relationship is behaving with respect and setting appropriate boundaries. If these are in place and are reasonable to the situation, then personal style and manner is much less important in the long term.

This is what I have done in similar situations and it has worked for me but it takes a bit of time and quite a bit of mental planning. It helps to have a close friend or colleague who will listen in an understanding way at times as well. Best of luck, it can be an awkward situation to undergo I know.

Thanks both for the advice.

I am going to remember the fist in mouth metaphor (I hope it was a metaphor!) and also try and find a mentor. I don't want my supervisor to be my friend. But I think all relationships are more productive when there is a small connection there (as opposed to constant clashing and feeling you've offended someone)!