Hello all,

I have had in May my PhD viva...it went on pretty awful, and ended up in re-submission (for a PhD) with a new viva. After two months, I got the major changes from the external.

In the meantime, I wrote my first (research) book that is relevant with my PhD, more than 220.000 words and will be published on 2019.

However, I feel extremely sad and weak. Most of the times, I actually feel worthless and even suicidal thoughts come in mind.

I don't know if it's worth it to go for another viva. I feel DEVASTATED to say at least, and after all those months...

If you are having suicidal thoughts you must seek urgent medical help.
Nothing else is more important.
That is too serious a situation for me to want to begin talking about how you cope with another viva. That is a minor thing in the scheme of things.
Please make a call to someone tonight if possible and really right now if you can.
Once you get that sorted out there are plenty of people here who can help you with advice about second vivas.

Sort out your mental health first. Call someone ASAP and manage your health first. Your life is your priority not the PhD.

Though you do have a book which is amazing. Not many people get a book before they have even finished their PhD. That is impressive. Your external may be harsh but you have the potential to do very well. Don't let some words bring you down when you have achieved so much.

Thank you for your kind and honest words.

Seems that I am suffering from manic depression. Went to NHS and the doctor told me that the viva outcome is the reason of me being in such a position.

It's been pretty destructive since I can't even attend interviews for jobs, I am horrified even to go to an interview after the viva experience.

My supervisor is keep telling me to do those major changes (25K+ words) and re-do a viva, but honestly, attending a new viva is giving me nausea just thinking about it...

I am glad you went the doctor and have been seen. Listen to professionals and don't focus on the viva. It is literally making you sick!