the pressure on us to succeed is wearing on her (i've moved here to be wi her). i think she was very blinded by love for me that she ignored thinking about the future until very recently and now she is frightened and confused. i can see a happy, long term future for us but i havent said that (in fact i've intimated the opposite on a few occassions) due to my own fear of commitment. but, to be honest, i think there is something really special there.
i've decided to cancel dinner and suggest more a break, we have seen each other 2 often since i returned(most of our friends are mutual). i think the holiday would be great for us, but too much pressure for her just now. i dont want to break up wi her but i feel like that is what she is pushing me to do

being a woman maybe she is trying to get you to say how you feel or discuss things? maybe she doesnt know how to bring it up? a year isnt that long to get to know each other well enough but beware a break could lead to you just drifting apart and no reconciliation in the end because of that, as neither knows what to say anymore.

she probably wanted to discuss things about three months ago but she bottled it up and now with the stress of the phd on top of her she seems unable/unwilling to dicuss anything now...
its been hard as we met when i had a girlfriend (c.2 years ago), it took awhile for us to get it together(though i knew that she really liked me). we havent handled me moving over very well, again i think the uncertainity surrounding the phd has contributed.
i think yr right about not drifting too far apart, but i'm scared of crowding her out at a time when all she can think of is the next chapter

phdgirlie might have a good point there as in maybe she's trying to get you to talk about how you feel and you willing to commit, and her not knowing how to go go about it, probably due to the stress of her phd.

Hiya mindken, you imply that you've been giving her mixed signals about how you feel, maybe she thinks you are going to break up with her when she is near the end and is very stressed so has broken it off with you on her own terms before you can do it to her and cause her more stress? Why don't you try laying your feelings for her on the line, if you want to be with her for the long term and haven't told her then do it now! Ok so it might cause her to have to sit and think about things but it sounds like that is long overdue, and is better than you both letting something good break up.

Hi! My feelings are with you - PhD writing up stress puts a huge pressure on a relationship, and writing up myself at the moment, I can understand her trying to put a distance from the relationship if it's too much emotional turmoil - writing up is turmoil in itself - and to be truthful, it is very difficult to think straight when you're stressed about writing up. It's easy to read too much into things. It's difficult to know what approach is best. It's best to be honest on the whole, especially if she's confused. But she'll need space too. Maybe write your feelings on paper in a letter to her - & tell her you'll be there for her when she needs you. Then wait, and then if you don't hear from her, wait until she submits, then try getting back in contact with her.

...don't be afraid to let a little time pass. I met my boyfriend at a conference & we had an on/off long distance relationship for a few years before it got too complicated and stressful (he was also being very non-commital) & I broke it off. I started seeing someone else (we won't go into the subconcious decisions I must have been making at the time), and he spent the next 4 months trying to convince me to change my mind... when I met up with him again I fell for him all over again, he got a job near to me, and we've never looked back. And I never want to think about what would have happened if he hadn't fought for me... because he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. So hang in there, if U2 are meant to be (& I don't believe in fate) then you'll weather it :o)

hi guys, thanks so much for all the responses it has helped me feel less alone in what is a difficult situation to explain to non-PhDer's. I emailed her today to say we need space, she is so busy that i think it is only right. we are on good terms but i think the last time we met she realised that she can't get back wi me and finish up, which i undeerstand hard as it is for me. i've decided to not let her know i'm hurting as bad as i am and to write/email tellin her how strong my feelings are, that i want to commit to her and that i honestly (which i do) believe we can work through the problems in the relationship. perhaps the only good attitude to adopt is a stoical one, either we are destroyed or built back stronger, i really hope the later.

No advice, just that it's hard. Hard to concentrate, focus and get work done but it does get slightly better.
The "future" was definitely a big theme. The unstable nature of postgraduate employment (i.e. having to move away where the work is etc). We're both in different fields.
I'm still gutted a few months later but there's nothing I can do. i honestly hope you sort something out. Our circumstances were a bit different my ex already had a job elsewhere and long-distance was stressful.

thanks man, much appreciated. my girlfriend has a full time job here already and though i would probably prefer to move elsewhere my expertise is here and i could definitely find a research job here so there is a possibility for a future its just that i've been showing a distinct fear of commitment which i think i'm overcoming now. the difficulty is that now she is so busy its really hard to talk about us and the future, she feels confused and uncertain and the thoughts of working at the relationship right now are far from her mind...i only wish i'd realised the situation earlier but i am trying to both give her space and let her know i'm here for her.

hope things work out for you. sounds like your taking the best route letting her know your there but not crowding her.

i'm trying, its hard but when i called her last nite (she texted) we spoke for just two mins but she sounds like she is really appreciating the space. she is obviously quite confused as she is not the kind of girl to play with a mans heart unnecessarily. i do think it is important i let her know i'm committed to her and to keep communicating but i think i must wait for her contact me now...which is so hard, i can see her office from my window

i undertsand how hard that is waiting for 'that call' that lets you know where you stand.

it is really hard, there is so much fear that i'll meet her and she'll just say 'thats it, we're over' but i think if she felt that certain i would know by now (its been two weeks). i really want to let her know i think we have a future together but am scared of crowding her out...i'm willing to wait (though its really hurting me) because i think its important for me to also think about how i feel, i just hope we dont become too distant from one another in the meantime

i feel for you i really do i gues if she knew it was over she would have said, and if you can find a way of communicating to her that you feel there is a future it might help her feel more secure.