Buddy, here I am, same boat.

I am a soc sci grad student in a very prestigious dept. My PhD isnt self-funded, but I am miserable nonetheless. So miserable that I stopped going to classes and fail them. So miserable that I have virtually no friends in the department, and don't want to make one.

My partner moved to this country for me, but that is not the light, that is a burden. He sacrificed his career for me, and I can't prove his sacrifice worthwhile with a stupid, useless degree.

I struggle to follow the rules in academic because, deep down, I find them to be B.S.

But, like you, I have always been a top student, I know I am smart. I have never disappointed my family, and to think about disappointing my parents is devastating to me. My partner is also a grad student now, but pnly because of me. He has been supportive about my constant thoughts of leaving academia, but still I feel very bad about dragging him into this.

I am 32.

PM me so we can talk more about this?

I'm in my third yr but I've been bearly getting by grad school so far. And today, being notified that I'm failing a grad class, I think I'm almost done with it. I feel like I'll be kicked out of my program very soon.



The past three years were the worst in my entire life. I've always been the smartest not only at school but at almost everywhere else - I've had so much to show for myself. But during grad sch, I experienced the death of a family member, the infidelity of my married partner, on top of depression and anxiety. I do not have any motivation or drive to do my own research, most of the time I'm just scraping by, trying to finish stuff on time, submit the papers that I need to submit. J do not have friends in the department, and I don't like my department. I'm an international student and if I fail grad school I'll be forced to go back to where i'm from, worst yet, it'll affect my partner who stays here for me.



I truly don't know what to do.



My advisor once told me that I'm apparently smart and can do research, but he has no idea why I've not been performing. My heart is not at this, but I didn't have the courage to tell him the truth. But the thing is, I don't know where my heart is right now. I'm in my early thirties and have given up virtually everything to come to a foreign country for grad school. I can't go back with nothing to show off. Not even a master's degree. I feel so ashamed of myself.



Most of the time I just hide in the warmth of my bed and fantasize about an alternate universe where I'm not a complete failure.



I'm sorry for rambling. But my mind is a mess and I don't know what to do about myself.