Overview of dotdot681

Recent Posts

Still wanting to leave

Hi Everyone,

I thought I'd give everyone an update to what has happened since I last posted as all of you were very kind and thoughtful in reaching out with your support towards me and I thought it only fair to let you know what happened in the end.

I had a meeting with my supervisor at the end of June 2012 and after much discussion of how I was feeling and her thoughts upon my work (which she did re-iterate was good but needed considerable work to improve it) I decided in the end to leave the course.

My tutor was honestly sad to see me leave but looking back, I was suffering very badly with depression (I'm now OK to admit that I was suffering from an addiction to alcohol that was brought on as a way of coping with how I was feeling) and the day before meeting my tutor I had a nervous breakdown. My family were incredibly supportive and weren't angry at my decision to leave at all, they were just upset that I was feeling so low and wanted to get me back home. They were fantastic in helping me deal with my issues with alcohol and getting me healthy again. I was very fortunate in that my old manager did take me back and I can never thank her enough for that. Since then I have been lucky enough to be promoted in the company that I work for and I'm now in a very stable role that is challenging, but one that I do enjoy.

I'd like to thank all those who took the time to write me messages of support as I did read them all carefully and take them all seriously when considering my option to leave. I know I should of replied sooner but it has taken me a long time to emotionally deal with leaving the course and only now am I happy to discuss it with people.

Still wanting to leave

Hi Everyone.

Thank you very much for all of your advice. It's very kind of you to take the time to reply.

I've organised a meeting with my more 'approachable' supervisor to tell her I'm feeling (she's incredibly busy at the moment so I'm even more anxious to speak to her but I feel I have to get my feelings off my chest). I'm just going to tell her how I feel and that I have no problem with her or my other supervisor, just the fact that I'm not coping with the transition from work to academia very well, that I'm feeling utterly over-whelmed by the course and that I'm slowly but surely losing all passion for what I'm doing. I honestly have no idea how she will re-act; either she will re-assure me or tell me that maybe leaving is the best idea from looking at the standard of my work and how I'm currently feeling.

I rang my old manager and she said she would be able to get my old job back because a member of staff has moved onto another dept. and they have just won a big contract for more work and are looking for someone who knows what there doing to hit the ground running (I left my last job very amicably and my manager said if she could she would always have me back). Though the job would be low-paid admin, at least I could stay there and look for other work.

However, I keep having conflicting thoughts. the 1st half says "why am I putting myself through the mill everyday? I'm not enjoying this so why am I paying for it?" While the 2nd is going "Your being too hard on yourself, your tutor will probably tell you the same, if you quit your throwing away a good opportunity and you will have to go back to a job you quit to get away from in the first place."

But to be honest, I'm still 95% with thought one, depending on how my meeting goes with my tutor.

Utterly confused and still in the pits...

Still wanting to leave

Hi, I posted here about 2 months ago about how I felt about my PhD. I'm now 5 months into a criminology PhD.

Unfortunately things have not improved at all and now I feel even worse than I did from when I last posted.

Since then I have tried to throw myself into reading (which I partly enjoy) but when it comes to writing I just get 'stage fright', scared that what I'm writing is not good enough and is just waffle. I know I'm not the 1st PhD student to struggle but the way I feel now is just rock bottom, I have never felt so depressed in my whole life. I feel as if I've made the worse mistake of my life and now I'm suffering for it but I can't back out because I have nothing else to escape to. I risked quitting my job and now I've paid the ultimate price.

The little bit of confidence I did have when I began has all but gone. I resent getting up in the morning and now all I can think about is leaving and wanting to get my "old life back". I sit there at my computer trying to formulate and write an argument etc. but I just end up getting angry at myself and just pressing delete. What I do send to my tutors is never good enough and when I get the comments back I just feel utterly dejected. I just keep thinking "if I can't cope now what the hell will I be like when I'm trying to write my upgrade document". I've seen how much time and dedication my office mate has thrown into his and I feel the way I am now there is no way I can commit myself to that level of time and resources and be of any value.

I have so little faith in what I'm doing and I just get really embarrassed when I try to explain to people what I'm researching. I feel that it's just a reflection on how lowly I think of myself and my current experiences of my PhD so far.

The way I feel now is that I have to get out now before I get myself into more of a mess. I feel as if I'm completely out of my depth, as if I'm conference footballer playing in the premier league. I can work 12 hours a day every day but it would't be enough or good enough.

I want to know if anyone else has quit after 5-6 months and how they went about it and also how life has treated them since (and did they feel that quitting was too hasty and wished they stayed on).

The women I share an office with has been absolutely wonderful and she has tried her best to keep me positive, but i feel now that today was the last straw. I got to a point half an hour a ago when i just had a "NO MORE" moment where I just got up left my stuff in the office and just went back to my flat in near tears about to ring my parents and tell them that it was all over. I only stopped myself because i wanted to give myself a couple of days to really think and decide, but to be honest my mind is 95% made up.

I just don't know what to do, do I struggle and carry on and but feel utterly depressed or do I quit and just hope to God that I can find a job in this current economic climate...

Leaving Dilemma...

I'm currently unfunded at the moment, though I saved up quite a lot before I started this money is running out fast. I rely heavily on parents for financial support and though I have applied for funding (I've been put on a reserve list) I have not been successful. This further adds to my own insecurities that my ideas and my research are not good enough to be funded. I feel that if I quit I will not only be letting myself down but also my parents because they have given me so much to move away and start my PhD (I'm too afraid at this point to discuss these issues with them). I know if I quit I will struggle to find work, though I may be able to get my old admin job back, this will probably only be temporary again and even if it was permanent there is no chance of promotion.

Sorry if it it all seems a bit waffly but had to get it off my chest.

All your thoughts and opinions will be greatly appreciated.

Leaving Dilemma...


This is my first post but I have been following this forum for a while now and feel that I need some advise.

To try and cut a long story short, I'm currently 12 weeks into my PhD (Criminology) and having a number of lingering doubts about whether I want to continue due to a number of issues.

I finished my Masters about 2 and half years ago and loved studying (I achieved a distinction), though I wasn't the most hard working student and did have a bit of a party lifestyle, when I did knuckle down I was very productive.

Due to financial issues I was not able to move straight onto a PhD programme. I worked for two years in a number of low-paid, temp jobs (from pot-washing to admin) to try and save up to start my PhD. When I raised enough money to get started, I applied and got accepted to the University of my choice. However, I had to decide whether I wanted to accept this place or take up a secure job offer, I found the decision very difficult to make but I voted with my heart and decided to turn down the job.

Now that I've started I feel that I have hit a "brick wall" as it were. I started very enthusiastically, bit now I feel very daunted about the task in hand. I find it hard to motivate myself and I feel that my work is inadequate along with an ongoing "academic inferiority" complex. I feel that this is added by the fact that not only am I studying at a much higher standard university than the one I did my BSc and MSc courses at, also the people I share my office with are must smarter than me and I feel a sense of dread when I have academic discussions with them. I guess I just feel I'm out of my depth. This was compounded by the comments I received for my methodology chapter that I handed in to my supervisors... they pretty much academically ripped it up to shreds, I worked on it for ages and I can't even look at it again as it just makes me feel terrible.

I have a constant feeling of "am I working hard enough?". I guess a throwback of my time out working is that I like to have a set day where I work 38-40 hours a week, 11-7 (hate getting up early in the morning) Monday-Friday (and Sundays if I have a supervisor meeting in the week, never work Saturdays unless I absolutely have to). However, I find myself procrastinating a lot (looking on the net, going for walks around the department "to think" etc.) and I find some days it's difficult to get started. Though I always make sure if I'm in the office that I do at least 7-8 hours of pure work, but I do include reading in that "work". I don't know whether you guys consider that part of a working day as well?

But I find that I give myself the odd day off here and there in the week. I'm currently on a "week off" at the moment, I feel dreadful about it but I just feel that I need a break away to consider if I want to continue doing my PhD or not.

I just have this constant dread hanging over me that I'm not working hard enough and the work I do is inadequate.

I'm currently unfunded at t