Signup date: 24 May 2013 at 6:39pm
Last login: 04 Dec 2013 at 2:05pm
Post count: 7
Thanks for your replies, I've taken them on board - I went back to the GP and am now on sertraline/Zoloft (wasn't on anything before) so hopefully it'll help with the low moods and severe depression. I've also sat down with my supervisor who (bless her) has suggested a temporary withdrawal on medical grounds, so hopefully will have a meeting with the DGS (gulp) to see if it's possible. I honestly don't know if I'll finish the PhD (but at least I'll write it up for others to follow) but we'll see.
Thank you to wowzers, IntoTheSpiral, vivicov, Keenbean and psychresearcher for being so supportive, I really was expecting someone to say 'Pull your socks up' and 'Grit your teeth' (as has happened in real life) and was so surprised at the thoughtfulness of you.
I've had a bit of time to reflect on the PhD and come to the conclusion that I may have started one for the wrong reasons. Starting one just because I didn't have anything better to do and doing it to make others proud (oh dear)... But I've always pushed myself to get results that others would be happy with, but I think I lost myself on the way, despite getting to know academia (and deciding the loneliness and competitiveness isn't for me).
I apologise for rambling and whining, as ultimately I only have myself to shoulder the responsibility and blame for not completing/messing up a PhD that I have no drive to finish for myself, so I'm not sure even an extension/suspension for medical reasons would help - if anything, it'd sound like a cop-out and ducking responsibility. But I'll try to ask for one.
Not eating properly and lost weight, sleeping or being happy in life aren't helping. But I should finish else completion statistics show another failure, there's an incomplete record of how to carry on the research and just generally bad feelings all round.
The blame of wasting everyone's time, money resources that could have gone to someone more productive, the ostracisation of my close academic friends and the humiliation of not finishing, leaving a black mark on my supportive supervisor's record (who really doesn't deserve that) are worries too much to bear.
But the one thing stopping me from doing something stupid is reading Sadsabrina's posts and reminded my parents would rather have me than me with a PhD but no longer here. But would they want a son who didn't finish a degree, despite them saying 'just do your best'?
Thank you all for your replies - I really was surprised and touched by how supportive everyone's been, even with the decision to walk away - even though it'd be a shame, it's not the end of the world. I appreciate the advice, though it's not an easy decision (and that's not including the fact my mind's a blank some days). I'll have a think about it and talk it over with my supervisor/director of graduate studies.
Once again, thank you :)
Hi there, I apologise in advance for a lengthy post that I don't expect you to read and for it being a dark post.
Basically, I'm writing this to request some other viewpoints please; I'm currently in my 4th year, due to submit 1st September, so about 7 weeks away. The kicker is I don't think I can do it, despite other people saying I can - I've still got an intro and revisions to be made to all my chapters, especially one which I'm not sure about how to structure.
I want to get it all done in time for my supervisor to have a look through it, on top of a few quick experiments I need to do (read: should have done properly) and I'm crashing under the weight of it all. I feel like such a fool for having left everything to the last minute and wouldn't be surprised if I failed.
There's part of me which is saying 'Give up now' on a PhD I've realised I don't want anymore and it's looking all the more tempting, given I'm depressed to the point where I've visited the GP and counselling. They still don't stop me from not being focused on writing a thesis and the thoughts of giving this up and 'ending it all' to avoid the shame and embarrassment of letting everyone down and wasting their time and money is creeping in. I don't want to take a suspension, as it'd draw the pain out longer, and I don't think the uni would allow it in my extension but I need a break - but I've already procrastinated so much (thanks to my mental health). The kicker is there's no time...
What do I do? I could sit and flounder, whilst struggling on with this thesis, or waste time seeing if I could get extra time. I just don't know.
Thanks both for your replies :) They're both enlightening.
@Ultimax Thanks for the pointers on the 3 month thesis - I've had a look on there before, though it might be more prudent to look deeper at the advice. It's therapeutic to read about other people's struggles and how they overcame their battles, I agree - just that sometimes it's hard to relate to them, since they sound like genuine struggles. With me, it feels like it's all made up and just excuses for doing a lacklustre job on the PhD, coupled to not making the most of the experiences on the PhD (and therefore feeling like a failure).
@DrJeckyll Heh, that's the sort of thing I'm trying to say, though it keeps being drowned out by the other voices - maybe it needs a megaphone or something! What would help would be to find the motivation for the project again, where is it hiding..?
I second the part about being bruised - it's been a hell of a journey, physically, mentally and emotionally, though that's not denying it's been an eye opening period of growth and self exploration. The biggest battle has been my social anxiety and meeting with my second (and more critical) supervisor which I'm embarrassed to say is still going on...!
Hi all, I'm a long time lurker and first time poster, so nice to meet you all!
I'm feeling guilty posting this since other students have more problems than I, but I'm struggling with the writeup phase of the thesis. I feel like I've let down both of my supervisors who have been good to me, and feel overwhelmed with the reading/referencing, analysis and writing (wanted to submit in June, but now looking like start of October).
I've thought about quitting or stepping down to an MPhil as I'm questioning seriously whether the PhD is for me, despite being in the program for 3 1/2 years. It seems more poignant as most of my friends have passed and yet I look at their theses and despair at the level of quality to be reached, as I'm convinced that my data is insufficient/ not rigorous enough, so feel like i'm going to be exposed as a fraud and wasted everyone's time/resources being here.
I'm not sure whether to keep going, or leave the program and risk disappointing everybody - just that the all consuming nature of the writing and feeling like everything's been left to the last minute is dragging me down. Trying to split it into manageable chunks and reserving time to recharge doesn't seem to be working either, as it seems to be more procrastinating than work.
Is this feeling of being trapped normal, at this stage, or am I just dramatising and should just keep going?
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