Breaking up


======= Date Modified 06 55 2010 14:55:40 =======
Hi all, I have just split up with my boyfriend of many years. He moved out last week. While I do agree that it is for the best, I cannot stop thinking about him. It's actually obsessive. I'm checking his facebook page every 10minutes, am emailing all my friends just so i can talk about him and worst of all I am just sitting here staring at my phone. I know it's a complete cliche but i really am waiting for him to call up and tell me he's changed his mind. This only happened 6 days ago, so I know that it will take time for me to move on. He told me that under no circumstances did he want to speak for at least two weeks. However, it's killing me. Any one else dealt with a break up lately?! Any tips? He's the only person I've ever been with/lived with/loved.  Maria.x


Oh Maria, it's so hard I know *hugs*. Don't feel bad about being a little obsessive, after years of building your life around someone it's pretty mind-blowing to suddenly have them gone. It will take time for you to really accept that it's over, but try not to make yourself worse. In time you'll see all sorts of benefits to moving on, but at first it's just confusing and sad. He's may be right about the no contact thing, I tried to stay close friends with a guy I'd lived with and it just made it impossible for him to move on, space can be a good thing. Would you consider deleting him online so you can't check up?

Try to be with other people where possible, see friends, family, spend time with people who make you feel good and distract you. Bend their ear for a while, rant, cry, get it out of your system, it'll help you process things. Eventually though, you'll want to focus elsewhere, one option for this is for friends to allow you five minutes talking about him, then ban the topic the rest of the outing/trip/etc. When you're ready, put all the extra time you have to good use, take up a new hobby or join a group, it can help re-establish your identity as an individual (something we often lose a bit in relationships). I actually went on a short holiday on my own the last time I went through this, it was great. Overall pull in all those people who care about you, find distractions and just be kind to yourself.


======= Date Modified 06 Apr 2010 16:11:21 =======
Hi Maria, I know exactly how you feel, it's just misery when you break up with someone who has been such a huge part of your life.  You say you agree that it's for the best, and I'd imagine it's something that you have both discussed and agreed was the best thing so the important thing now is to start getting used to not having him around. I've been in situations before where I've lost entire days at a time thinking about an ex, checking my phone every 5 seconds, emails etc.  The only thing is, it doesn't make any difference. I agree with Teek, that perhaps you should remove him from your facebook so you can't check his page and remove his number from your phone so you don't just call him on the spur of the moment.  I've found the only way I can properly get over a guy is to go cold turkey, and it's hard but effective.

Keep yourself as busy as possible, if you can't concentrate on work then go walking or shopping or to the cinema, anything that gets you away from your phone and computer so you get out of the habit of checking for him.  I've also found it's a good idea to give my phone to a friend if we are out for the evening, especially if there is drink involved! Do whatever you have to do for now to keep yourself going, get out dancing, have fun and remind yourself that you can still have fun and do things without him.  If there is anything that you enjoy doing that he didn't or that you couldn't do much of before, then get stuck into it now! Learn to enjoy the time you have now and try some new things.  And above all, remember that if the relationship ended for a good reason, then that's a good reason not to go back there, you deserve the best from the person you're with and the relationship you have, which will come in time.

Massive huge bear hugs, I'll have some chocolate for you too :-)


I agree with the cold turkey suggestion. Otherwise you could just get into a perpetual loop of checking his Facebook page etc.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs.


Hi Maria, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am with Teek and Algae... the best thing you can do is to keep busy and concentrate on yourself for a while. I find a good thing to do when having to rearrange your perspective on things, is to *literally* rearrange some things. Pour yourself a glass of wine (or make yourself a cup of tea), put on your favourite CD (or pop in your favourite DVD), and rearrange your flat. I always find that changing how a room feels, can really help to change how you personally feel (and in this situation in might help to make the place feel a bit more like 'yours' as opposed 'yours and his'). The physical exercise of pushing furniture around and the mental exercise of deciding where everything fits best, can really keep you occupied for a while too!


======= Date Modified 06 Apr 2010 20:30:26 =======
omg I totally do that Tribble! I have literally finished moving my desk around to help me find a way of being able to work at home as there is no heat in the uni this week as it's closed for Easter! It's a great way for clearing the mind and getting back on track, like a fresh start! (up)

(sorry I diverged off topic there a bit...)


I've been through everything you describe and, yes, it was quite recent. Only I was the one that moved out. I can't really add to the excellent advice that you've already been given. Not to state the obvious, but it really is a life-changing situation. It's going to sting for a while but, based on my own experience, things do get easier. You'll probably get the urge to speak to old friends you haven't heard from in ages - I did. You'll want to speak to lots of your friends about what happened, your hopes and fears - I did at least. And, not to sound odd (but this is what happened to me), you might start to question your own self-worth, self-perceived faults and what you did wrong. Avoid doing this if you possibly can. There is never a right time, but right in the middle of an academic course is particularly bad I think. Because, the way I viewed it, your life carries on in exactly the same way as before the breakup but minus your partner - it's hard to change things in your life when you can be so restricted.
What I did was get in touch with lots of friends, spoke to them about it and got a lot of advice from them. You do, as Teek said, start to realise how much of your self-identity you've lost being dedicated to one person. Even now, I still feel very unsure of myself and am quite shy and reserved - I'm not quite who I was before I became so involved with someone, but things do get easier. Also, do take up some new hobbies, buy yourself some new clothes and change your surrounding as is practical. You have an exciting future, bags of potential. You can go on to be what you want, do what you want and there's nothing holding you back.
Just try and take things one day at a time to begin with, and don't forget all the people you have in your life who can help you. Take care and best wishes.