I need to have a talk...


Now you lot have always been good with your advice on all sorts of issues. So here's one... how do you have a talk with someone about... well... wanting things to go to be more than just friends?

Things are going well but I'm in no hurry but at the same time I want to know whether I'm off the market or what's going on... I'm not very good at these kinds of things.

My head is very cold and logical and is usually at the forefront of anything I say. It's time my heart came out a bit more!

Avatar for sneaks

I'd say actions speak louder than words :p


I suck royally at matters of the heart and I suspect I always will. So BIG disclaimer.

If this is the guy you met recently that put you on cloud 9, isn't it a bit too soon? Sorry if tis someone else. My only caution is - u sure you wanna be the one to ask? Do so, if you're sure you havent got feelings yet. If you havent play safe and dont get feelings before anything really happens/in case they say no.

Others please for more optimistic feedback.


Sneaks, love the idea!

And Bug, I like to hear views from all sides! Yes it's the same guy but I'm not saying I want to just head into something, just kind of to talk about what direction things are going. I'm currently looking to change jobs and in the middle of interviews so that is main priority at the moment. But he seems to like me as much as I like him and it's great. I'm not necessarily looking for the big R word, but just a bit of an indicator what to do. I really don't want to screw it up...


I originally used to say follow your heart.

But, OMG, I have been SO, SO badly burnt, that I dare never follow my heart ever again.

That said - i also have noted (belatedly) that there is a whole lot of paraphernalia and protocols about these things in our cultures - all things I blissfully ignored in following my heart.

Nuances such as the diffs between dating vs seeing vs going out vs relationship, or the importance of timing, or the importance of not seeming what do they say 'clingy', and then not 'smelling of' commitment etc.

I am still overwhelmed with the protocols of it all, so really have no advice to offer, except please please please don't get hurt!

Avatar for Eska

Hi Dan,

You could just go with the flow and enjoywhat you have at the moment: possibly not worrying about it is the best thing to do, just relax and you will probably be giving off signals anyhow, ie, flirting. Save the talk for later. Not too soon for a kiss or a hand hold though is it?

However, I am deeply rubbish at this kind of thing myself, so maybe someone else has a better plan...


In my opinion, I'd just keep going as you are. Everything is clearly going well, the feelings are mutual and the things you are worried about now will just resolve themselves naturally - likely sooner than later. The things going through your mind will also be going through his mind so, as you get to know each other even better and get closer, you'll cross all the bridges you're worried about now. Cold, logical analysis has its place, but with things like this you need to follow your heart and trust your instincts.


Good thread Dan - because I am in a similar position!

I have seen this lovely guy three times now - one date and been to his twice. We get on really well and he seems to like me, but this the stage when I get really pathetic and paranoid that he's not into me. For no real reason, and I do it every time. I think it's self-protection, recently I came out of a four-month relationship in which I never once felt secure and I'm scared of being in something like that again. Last week I was round at his and I basically asked him what he wanted from this, as I know I want a relationship rather than just a casual fling, I'm bored of those now. He just said let's carry on enjoying each other's company without too much pressure and get to know each other more, and he said that he wanted to spend the day with me etc. It's hard because he lives 60 miles from me where my uni is and I'm only there twice a week max and only free in the evenings, and he has a 9-5 job. But I'm sure things will get easier if it is meant to be.

Anyway enough about me, I think this is one of the most awkward and difficult conversations to have, personally, so I would try to minimise it a bit. Don't make so much of a big deal about it and if nothing romantically has happened between you, wait for things to happen as they will if they are meant to. I'm sure you're good enough at reading the signs by now. If something has happened maybe make yourself a little more available to him (what a friend told me to do yesterday), like suggest things for the two of you to do together and perhaps reassure him a bit, as he is probably feeling just as apprehensive as you are.

Hope that has helped in some way and good luck. I am also open to suggestions!


Gosh this takes me back nearly 20 years. I started going out with this bloke when I was 26 and he was 45 - realationship was going really well but I decided that I needed to know what his thoughts were on children as I didn't want to get into a relationship that fell apart when it was too late for me to have them or where it was something I would have o accept as not being part of my life (I didn't at this stage know I wanted them I just wasn't sure that I didn't want them). So never having done anything like it before (and only 6 weeks into the relationship) we were out for a romantic dinner for two when I broached the subject of him having more children (he already had one from his marriage). My reasoning was if it was completely out of the question then I was not in too deep to get out with only minor pain which seemed preferable to not asking and then realising when it was either too late or too painful. He wasn't averse to the idea but said that he would want them by the time he was 50.

Fast forward to 2011 and he is sitting in the sitting rooom and our two children 10 & 12 are asleep in bed). We didn't have them by the time he was 50 due to miscarriages and other difficulties (he was 51 when our first was born) but we now have two wonderful children who I think has kept him young.

I guess my take on this is which could have the worse outcome? For me the awkwardness of the conversation was less than the impact it might have had on my life if I hadn't checked while I could still walk away relatively unscathed.

Avatar for Eska

aaaaah Jepson, what a lovely story x

Avatar for sneaks

I tend to agree with the let-it-happen thoughts.

I'd find it a bit weird if someone tried to talk to me about what was happening next rather than just doing it, if you know what I mean. I also think it takes the romance out of it all - its a bit like saying "ok, so I really like you, so tomorrow at 2.34 I will kiss you - be prepared" rather than just giving them a smacker on the lips! :$


There is an awful lot of talk about taking it slow etc. and I would have gone down this line too,and took it on board through several relationships... BUT when it came to the 'real thing' we both knew almost at once, and we got married six weeks later :$.That really shocked the parents!  So what can I say? Well just this, you have to go with your gut feeling, if the spark is there, and you know it is, go for it...if you think the spark is there but are not quite sure, you still need to give it your best shot, one of you has to make the move or you will be dithering forever, if it is unlikely that the spark is there at all or entirely one sided it is in neither of your interests to pursue it at anything other than friendship. Gosh that sounds awfully clear cut, and I don't mean it to, but if you have found your soulmate for goodness sake don't let them go.


Thanks for all the replies, I knew you lot would come up trumps (up)

I must say that I've generally been a disaster about things before hence why I don't really want to screw it up this time. It feels good, it feels right, I wish I could just break away from being precise and analytical about things and just go with the flow!

I think I'm going to say nothing and just enjoy it, relax and enjoy the time together. Que sera sera...


hi Dan
here's a quote I found this morning:

"the brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn't stop until you fall in love"
by Pat Love

love satchi