nighmare to complete with this in the air!


I have a month to hand in the thesis and yesterday my long term boyfriend told me that he is unsure if he loves me and wants to be with me anymore. I don't have to say that whilst this was not unanticipated, that it is distressing news. We have agreed on thing we need to do to improve the relationship (more time together, going out and doing more, less phd chat and chat about academic job market etc) but I feel so self-conscious and tearful that I don't know how much of a change I can make and whether it will be enough. Only time will tell but right now it feels like at the point I should be outgoing, gregarious, and happy and attractice I am instead a worn out, tired, PhD student near the end/edge! :-(

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Aww rubbish - pretty poor timing on his part. surely he could have ridden it out for another month!

I'd say get the thesis done, tell him that everything will be better once it is! - which it will be.

My hubby's just bought me singstar - which has made me stop thinking about the PhD and laugh at his out of tune singing for an hour or so a night- its hilarious! So maybe you need to inject a little fun.


I feel for you. Please try to remember, your boyfriend is suffering depression (if memory serves me) and so he MAY be having difficulty thinking things through properly and may be up and down about various aspects of life, including your relationship. You are most likely at the busiest period of your PhD and so you should be feeling worn out and tired and at a time when you both really need support you are both encountering stresses that can make it difficult to be there for one another and appease some of the stress. If you can just hold the relationship together for the month, it could make all the difference because after this time you will be able to be there for your boyfriend but ideally you need to focus on your PhD. There's no easy answer, I'm afraid. It's just horrible timing.

Take care.:-(


Poor Chrisrolinkski!! Yes, he's got good timing alright. Delta's words are very wise...It also sounds as if you're both suffering from depression - did he end up seeking help? Could he also be a teeny bit jealous of you finishing, while he hasn't completed his PhD? I know it's hard, but concentrate on your work for a month, try and get him to hold off making any serious decisions, and just work, then tackle your relationship problems. Maybe you should go into lock down mode, and not see him for a month, to get your thesis finsihed, then you can devote yourself to him and your relationship?


Well, sue has said just about word for word what I would say. You need to focus, there will be plenty of time afterwards to sort the relationship out but try not to let things affect achieving the goal you have worked so long and hard for. As horrid as it sounds, maybe some time apart until you have finished would be a good idea - it's a tough call to make.


Thank you for all your replies. I gave myself today to be upset and not work. Tmrw I am going to regroup with the thesis and stick to the goal of the handing-in date. I am also going to try and give what I can to the relationship now and try and re-kindle it without neglecting the thesis in hand. It has been a difficult time with depression, living overseas, and two doctoral theses so it is no wonder things aren't great. I do love him and want him to feel the same so I need to try and do something about it now.


I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you Chrisrolinski. It is a tough situation; look after yourself.


Wow I feel for you, that is crumby timing. But from the previous responses I have to say two doctoral theses in a relationship is hard work. The stress is tremendous with just one I can only imagine how hard 2 is. I think this sounds to me (from what I remember about your previous posts) similar to what Delta pointed out he is depressed and I know when Im not having a good time with my research, to hear others talking about theirs or how theyre getting on is really hard. Emotions esp with depression I have found are hard to pinpoint, I speak from my own personal experience sometimes the way we feel, we have to search out the reasons. Our relationships are always the first places we look. Don't take it too personally, when I was depressed I questioned everything about my relationship even though I know now it wasn't truely the cause.

Maybe you two should have a sabbatical from thesis talk, remember why you connected to each other in the first place before theses took over. You're nearly finished just give it a bit of time, and remember even though it doesnt feel like it. At some point the thesis will be done and life will resume.


Thank you. Yes, I think it is important that we try and focus on things apart from thesis and academic. I hope I can bring out the fun side of myself and help a romantic side to the relationship develop again. Soon the thesis will begone from my life and I don't want the same to be true of my relationship!


Well I am very sad to say that tonight the now ex-boyfriend broke up with me. So I am now having to complete the thesis in ten days and try and completely avoid an absolute emotional breakdown until it is handed in. It's just me and the thesis now.


Sorry to hear that. Try to look after yourself as much as possible. Good luck for the last push.


Oh Chris , big hugs for you. Try and keep it together as much as you can and keep the focus; timing is pretty shitty but sometimes it's unavoidable. Always happy to chat if you want to offload xxx


Hi Chris, i'm so sorry, keep your chin up, eat chocolate, drink tea and plough on!

You will get there soon, and then you can do what ever you need to do to deal with all this. But for now just keep concentrating, it can be done! Big hugs, AL x


Oh God..... I'm so sorry ((((((((((((((((((((((((((big hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) the timing would have a hard time being worse but you CAN do this. You've given years of your life to getting where you are now, pull it together girl, put everything else to the back of your mind and just focus on your data, get it written, don't let this blow everything you've done for so very long. I know that your bf was having a really hard time of things, that he was depressed and down and you've tried so hard - it seems to me that if he couldn't even hang on another flipping 10 days to help you through this before dropping this on you then there is NOTHING you could have done differently. I'm just so sorry that you have all this hurt and heartache at the time you need it least but you have your thesis, you have your goal, focus on that just for these next few days and go for it - we're all cheering you on. Sending you a bucket load of cyber chocolate and hugs xxxx


======= Date Modified 18 Jun 2010 23:27:30 =======
Thanks people. Yes, tea, and lots of it. After I hand the thesis in I will transfer to gin. I am marking GCSE papers later this month too - I can't imagine I will be a patient examiner! ;)

The thesis and academia are now sadly my life. I keepm wishing I had finished sooner or not gone abroad for a fellowship - anything to take the pressure off. But there you go, it has happened. I hate the horrible stingy salty tears that always happen when bad things happen. I'll wake up tmrw and button-down to the thesis!