What a day. First I knew my sup. wanted to meet was at 2.pm today, when I received a text from a strange number (perhaps we should have exchanged numbers a while back for these sorts of reasons) urging me to go to something today, and asking me to reply to a mail.
So, having a feeling of doom, I log-on to facebook to reply to a friend, to find out he has messaged me there too. Eventually check mail, to find out he's concerned about something I said, wants to meet.
And, as I have been having such a bad week, owing to some serious personal stuff going on, last thing I wanted to do was explain myself. His mail expressed concern that I was not going to an important seminar this week, and that I seemed unduly worried about work, so was perhaps not being as productive as I might otherwise be. That he thought we needed to talk about this.
I hate having to get into any vaguely personal stuff. But obviously had to respond, when in reality, I've just had a really bad week, and trying to deal with non-academic stuff. See his points. But just don't want to deal with it.
Mailed. Apologised. Thankgod am going out soon so can avoid mail. Am now going to have to explain personal situation to sup. which annoys me.
Yes. I think he's well-meaning. I just seem to be having huge over-reactions to everything this week and can't be trusted to be rational. I'm dealing with some major family stuff, and can't think clearly. Last thing I felt like was going to something when I've been upset half the week. On the other hand, it might have forced me to get outside of my own head for a while.
Think I'm just worried I'm going to be told off, as it were, for not being up-to-scratch. I dunno.
Don't worry. There's no reason on this earth that you should get told off. I'm sure your supervisor knows the difference between someone who is making excuses and someone who is genuinely having a rough time. Besides, he's there to help you not make things worse... and while he can't solve your family problems he can cut you some slack for a while. But not if he doesn't know what's going on. I think you should have a chat with him in person or on the phone. It's all too easy to misinterpret emails.
Well, in my mail, I apologised, said that I appreciated him contacting me as it was clearly for my own benefit, realized it looked like I was not affording this thing today a high priority, but perhaps it would be better to take the opportunity to talk to him to explain my present situation in person. Today is physically impossible as I can't be in two places at once. Said he was welcome to text if short-notice required.
Yes, I just hate to be one of those people that appear to be making excuses. Oh, my grandmother / pet dog died etc. It's not like that. My terminally ill brother has taken a turn for the worse. I'm going to visit at the earliest opportunity, and sooner if anything unexpected happens. Two other sibs. have the same condition. And I've just completed the annual round of tests for it myself (we have hereditary cancer, so I'm screened annually).
My mind is all over the map. I just know I couldn't sit through a three hour thing today, even though it's very relevant to my work. I'm making an appt. with the doc. this week to see about going back on some anti-depressants, and trying to get a handle on this situation.
It doesn't get much more serious than that. Again, tell your supervisor as soon as you can. Universities tend to be very good at making allowances for such things. You don't need any extra pressure and being honest won't look like weakness - it will look like you're a responsible person who is doing the best you can.
I don't want a time-out. There is the feeling that I haven't come this far, only to derail now. I have known about the situation for some time, well, it all kicked off during my MA last year, but I still did well. It's not unexpected, I knew it was coming, I guess was just a question of when things would get worse. Now, my interest is in managing the situation as best I can.
I had counselling for much of last year. Ironically, it was towards the end that I eventually understood how useful it was. Strange as it sounds, I have a fear of going back there. I am tired of the endless round of anti-depressants, going to counselling, just to function through the day. It's not simply this present situation, although that's the main thing at the moment. I'm just tired of it. That's all.
Sounds like, as well as everything else, you're emotionally drained and completely worn out. I can't pretend to know what will help you long term, but in the short term, it might be an idea to concentrate on doing the simple things that are under your control, like eating properly and getting enough sleep.
Because it seems that there are some things in your life that you can't do anything about, I think all you can do is separate them from those you can, (such as not avoiding your supervisor). Above all, try to be kind to yourself and be careful not to kick yourself when you're down.
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