Hello,

I'm caught between a rock and hard place since I failed my 1st year viva in late August. It was totally unexpected by me, my supervisor or my research group...It seems like I had prepared the wrong things for the viva and paid dearly for it. Having been able to come out on top on all my academic work so far in life, needless to say this has been quite devastating to me. I feel like the most incompetent and stupidest person on the planet. A small part of me is even considering suicide...

What makes it worse is that I now have a decision to make. I have been re-registered for an MPhil, for which if I submit then the PhD path is game over. However, I can also choose to be re-viva'ed for potential PhD reinstatement (in which case I won't be allowed to submit for the MPhil). My supervisor is suggesting the MPhil since she sees it as a "lower-risk" option and is terrified if history repeated itself in the final viva years down the road. However a part of me really really wants to go for the PhD since I have gotten some interesting results since and I feel my overall understanding of my project has improved significantly since the viva.

The decision is ultimately mine, and my heart is torn. The thing that concerns me most is that my own supervisor seems to not believe in me (although it is hard to read her). I mean, if my own supervisor doesn't believe in me, then what hope do I have? I plan on working in industrial research so a PhD is required, and this is probably the closest I will ever be in my life to getting a PhD. The funding is still there as well. This whole debacle has caused me to doubt my capabilities...

I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through a similar situation and what did they do about it.

- A grad student desperately trying to stay sane

Go for it mate. Remember that- excepting Polio ;) - 'that which does not kill us makes us stronger.' The point about failure- or at least *a* point- is that we can learn from it, and not repeat the mistakes of the past. As long as all the technical stuff is still operative (funding etc), then I would take what your supervisor says with a pinch of salt; although she has your interests at heart, they are finely balanced against her's and those of her employer, for whom it is better not to recruit than to fail. From your point of though, look at it like this- you were ambushed, and still survived (if only just!). You have a second opportunity to prove yourself and demonstrate the paucity of their current perspective.
I suggest you take it.

I agree with Eds. Try again with the PhD. Remember, you failed your viva on the whim of a couple of examiners - other examiners might have felt differently.

If it helps at all, I know a couple of people who failed their first year 'upgrade' (which I'm guessing is the same sort of process as your viva, i.e. it is needed in order to be put through as a PhD student rather than MPhil) and both passed after addressing the points of the examiners and being re-assessed. If you have an idea that you prepared the wrong things for the meeting, then this suggests to me that you failed on something other than your abilities. I agree with the others - go for it.

I meant to add, I noticed that you mentioned suicide in your post - any time you are feeling as bad as this, please seek support. More generally, try to value the other things in your life - we all know that exams can be subjective and unpredictable and all sorts can go wrong on the day, so don't allow your feelings of self-worth to be based solely on something as arbitrary as a viva :)

Yes, very important to reiterate Chickpea's point there: do seek support if you feel anxious to that extent. Even if that just means posting here. Don't let yourself get isolated or excessively self-critical.

I've also known people who've retaken their upgrade. It's not so unusual and certainly doesn't mean you're not capable of completing the PhD.

If you've prepared the wrong material - for whatever reason - that's almost certainly the culprit and the most positive response would be to go again, with the right prep'.

If a PhD is what YOU want... then go for it. It sounds as tho a MPhil does not fulfil your requirements - so why even bother doing it?!?!

I see a lot of people beating themselves up on this forum - which I find unsettling, but not wanting to sound overly dramatic or zen 'like' I will quote Mr W Chruchill 'Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.'

If failing your first year viva really that fatal? Mine was basically a paper exercise where I just had to make the requested changes? Either way, re-go for the PhD if ever you can.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I've since gone for some counseling help regarding my anxiety about this situation. I think I've heard what I needed to hear, but it definitely had to be gotten off of my chest. I will go for the PhD again. If things don't work out a second time, then at least I won't have any regrets. My supervisor never said no to a re-attempt and even said that she would support me no matter which path I choose. She just doesn't personally recommend it.

One thing I am frustrated about is how much variation a viva can have in my university (Cambridge). I know students who got completely different examiners and got asked completely different questions. Also the level of seriousness with which each Department takes the viva varies from a casual chat over tea to a full-blown viva (as in my case). Is this the case for all UK universities?

You guys are the best,

- A more-comforted grad student

Yes it's the same everywhere unfortunately. People at my university have had 3 hour 1st year vivas where they are grilled on every little detail because the examiner knows their work inside out and then other people (like me) have a 1 hour viva where the examiners have no idea about the work and just nod at whatever is said. Neither strategy is particularly helpful.

Anyway, glad you're giving it another go!

When I did my MSc viva the two examiners didn't agree with each other!!!

My ex supervisor told me that when he was PhD student (not too long ago at all), it was quite common for people to fail their 1st year viva for the first time. They went on to have great careers apparently.