I quit.
So yeah. Here I am after 2 years quitting. I feel like I'm jumping off a bridge, and I have no idea if it's the right thing to do or not, all I know is that I don't want to do it anymore. It's amazing how much you internalize your research and how personal it feels to be the one guy that didn't finish.
I find it helpful to just talk about it with other people, because otherwise I just end up writing endless pros/cons lists in the middle of the night, which is why I'm posting this. I'm depressed, and I think just venting will help.
I'm a PhD student in an interdisciplinary research field (music technology). I had an awesome time for my undergraduate and masters, and essentially became an expert in the topics that I was interested in. I like to do practical things that have artistic or engineering value. I started my PhD while part of a tech consulting startup, which I had to quit on bad terms with my partner because I decided to dedicate my whole time to my PhD, so that says a lot about how enthusiastic I was when I started. I am at what is most likely the most prestigious research group for this topic in the world, and work with a renowned professor as my supervisor. Unfortunately, that's where the good ends and the bad begins.
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I ended up working in my supervisor's field, and with her guidance I started studying and working on some very abstract stuff with a lot of heavy maths applied to very subjective things that I was dispassionate about. I didn't really know where to start or how to justify any of my work, which meant that I spent an entire year just developing some software that ended up not working very well. I found that most of the time I'd rather be at a hackspace or programming something else, so I took up a lot of little side projects like some indie game development and started a band, both of which I didn't get enough time to do properly so they all collapsed. Eventually my entire time was taken up by my research, which I hated and just did on a sort of autopilot. I should have had the foresight to quit earlier when I realized I'm not in my world.
Eventually it all culminated in a severe stress/panic/depression stage after my last paper submission when I realized that my paper that I'd worked on for a year, had already been done, and also that I'd done it badly. Worse, the paper got accepted. I got so stressed out that I lost weight and my hair started falling out. That's when I realized that this sucks... I have better things to do with my time, and probably I could achieve something great somewhere else. I wanted nothing else but to get out, so I set the gears in motion to leave and I applied for jobs, went through interviews and now I have a job lined up. The strange thing is that now I don't feel as bad... just a weird nauseating malaise and a constant feeling of doubt. Maybe I could do one more study, maybe I can change projects, maybe my supervisor can help. How can she when I simply don't relate to her interests at all? What a blunder.
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So here I am, spending most of my time now studying up some web development for my new 9-5 job. I'm not going to have a PhD. Damn it! Why can't I pull it together and do some sort of study before my examination in a month from now? I don't really know what to do, and most of the things I could do I don't want to do. I just want out, and to be happy and relaxed and to enjoy life, but I'm worried I won't be happy with the regret of not finishing it. Is it actually a good idea to treat it like a job? The PhD doesn't work that way - you can't do it out of spite or while hating it, you have to BE it. If you lose your interest or fascination for your topic it's over.
I get attracted by people's promises of having free time and a life, but I'm worried I'll be bored without working on something 'important'. At the same time, while I have thought about doing another PhD, I can't really fathom spending another 4 years or so on a studentship wage.
Either way, this is what's happening. I have no idea where I'll end up. I don't want to lose track of my field, I want to still be active and go to meet-ups and events. I just don't want to hate it. Hopefully my new job won't be shitty and it'll be a good springboard for a career.
If anyone's withdrawn like this, with a decimated sense of self-worth and lingering on in post-depression blues with squandered funding and expectations, I wouldn't mind some chatting :S.
I am sorry you feel like this, but is there a way you can reconsider your decision? I would suggest you to withdraw from the course for 6 months or so, then reconsider and get back on board if you feel like it. Quitting a PhD is not a decision that should be taken in a matter of days. You really need to put some thought into it.
Wow, what a difficult decision to make and what a rough time you’ve had. A PhD is 90% perseverance, and without interest in your topic it would be a long and unhappy journey that may eventually lead you into a line of work that also isn’t “you”.
I take it you’ve checked whether there’s any chance of switching topic and/or supervisor at this stage?
I know a couple of people who withdrew - one completely, to do a 9-5 job, and the other to do a PhD at a different institution in a different topic a couple of years later. Neither of them regrets leaving something that wasn’t right for them - perhaps only that they didn’t do so sooner.
Whatever happens, go easy on yourself and try to take a holiday if you have the time. Your own welfare is paramount and if walking away from the PhD feels like the right thing to do then it’s not the end of the world. If you do get bored in your job there’s nothing to stop you doing more reading in your field or starting a blog to document your interests. You could always do another PhD in the future if the right project comes your way: this experience doesn’t have to be the be all and end all.
Good luck!
What does your supervisot say about you wanting to quit, if you don't mind me asking? Yes, there is no point of doing something you don't enjoy.
Also, I forgot to ask: is there a chance you get a second masters instead of completing your PhD? You have done some work on this topic, you might as well get something out of it.
My supervisor doesn't know, although I'm pretty sure she suspects I'm planning to leave. She's a very nice person and she gave me very good advice several times when I told her I was getting over-stressed and getting sick of the work, however every time I just relapsed into hating it. I just decided to look for jobs and keep doing my PhD in the mean time, so I don't really plan to announce it until I've signed the contract for my job.
I don't really have anything to write a masters dissertation about, my work ended up just being something that took forever to do and it was always about "the end goal" that never quite came.
Well, I am sure that you know what you are doing. A PhD is not simply a course or a degree, it's a lesson about life. You seem to score A+ in life decisions: you definitely know what you want, and you should definitely do as you feel. I wish you well, and good luck with your career.
Hmm, you comment about having to be the PhD and yes, I guess for many people the PhD defines them. I know I had to through myself into it, though I was interested in and motivated by it. That interest and motivation was a big help especially during the dark days of write-up. That said, there was one poster on here who openly admitted he wasn't into his PhD, but because he couldn't find anything else he sucessfully saw it through. I wish I could remember his name.
However, you're right in that if you're hating the situation and have alternatives then it's time to bail out rather than be depressed and miserable. It looks to me as though you chose the right group and supervisor, but unfortunately the wrong subject. For that reason and the passion you clearly have in your subject, never dismiss the possibility of doing a different PhD subject in the future. You may not feel like it now, but I sense someone who could tackle the right project in the right circumstances.
As others have said, go take a holiday if possible. This will give you a breather before you start your new job and get the tiredness out of your system.
Ian
