======= Date Modified 16 Jun 2011 22:14:02 =======
Sorry, it seems like I am whining and stressing on here every day at the moment...I just don't know where else to do it.
Since my submission and viva date were moved so much closer a couple of days ago my head is just messed up. I have 6 weeks to submit and I know that if I keep calm I can do it. But one minute I'm fine, the next I'm feeling so anxious I actually feel physically sick. I think it's just the shock of having the deadlines brought so much closer- maybe I've just not got over it yet.
I think the other thing is that this just means so much to me. I spent 5 years in and out of psych wards with bipolar from 2000-2005, and I never thought I would ever get back on track. I could barely make it til the end of the day back then. Getting my PhD is just the ultimate dream and I'm so scared I could screw it up. The topic is also close to home- I did my dedication page today- hardly the priority but my head was too stressed to concentrate on anything else- my thesis is on Alzheimer's and I'm dedicating my thesis to my grandad, who is in the end stages of Alzheimer's and doesn't have long left to live. I guess that wasn't the best task to do seeing as I was emotional before I even started it.
Eeek. I know I just need to pull myself together and I'm sure I will do soon. Exams, coursework etc have never fazed me before because I've always been so prepared and organised- this will be the first time I'm really pushed in terms of the deadline. Going to make a big list tonight- a bit of organisation always help me panic less. I wish I could speak to my sup but she's away for a week now...
Sorry. I'm not sure what all this is about. Just needed to write it down.
Thanks....sorry for being useless. I'll be back to normal soon :) KB
You'll be fine KB - just make sure you sleep and eat enough, rest enough. Its quite a long time in the scale of things, just picture you relaxing in 8 weeks...(so jealous!)
======= Date Modified 16 Jun 2011 21:38:35 =======
Hi KB, I know how you feel. My PhD has been a dream for a long time, it therefore has alot of emotional baggage attached to its success. In your case, suddenly having the goalpost moved a little sooner is bound to be somewhat unsettling to you. It is evidently a subject very close to your heart and so your acknowledgements is bound to reflect this and make you feel the emotions too. I couldn't write my acknowledgements until near the very end of my journey, any sooner seem wrong somehow! I think that making an action plan always helps refocus the mind so maybe this might help you face the last few weeks. Good luck KB.
======= Date Modified 16 Jun 2011 20:59:04 =======
You're not useless at all KB but really inspirational. Triumphing over your bipolar is a massive achievement and your submission date being brought forward was only done becuase your supv team obviously have every faith in you.
A friend of mine did her acknowledgements before she had written a word of her PhD so writing yours when you're nearly done isn't so bad;-). You're nearly there, do your list tonight and start ticking things off :-)
Looking forward to hearing your viva details (up)
You are doing so well - now for the final push - get your list done and you'll feel better - at least you can start ticking things off then and see your progress. You've still got weeks to go so plenty of time ;-)
You will be fine - 1 step at a time!!!! Go for it! And good luck!
BTW my PhD is also to do with dementia :-)
Keenbean, the most wonderful person I ever worked with was bipolar. What it gives you is this amazing ability to get things done. So you can do this, in a limited time, because you have the cognitive ability to go for it.
What I'd advise is to lose the negativity. With bipolar, this is a huge burden you may carry on your back, and may give you a STOP (negative) message when you actually need a GO (carry on and do it) message. The GO is the true you. Believe it. So many of the AD/HD and bipolar people I see can't latch on to the affirmatives of the condition. They get side-tracked by the fearful 'what if'?s. Forget them. Your drive and determination and speed will see you through this.
People who know you and your work have no doubts about what you can do. You just have to respect that they know who you are, and that they believe in you. And, if push comes to shove, you believe in yourself, and your ability. Don't lose that belief.
Thanks Beajay- your words mean a lot to me. I think most of the negativity was just me dealing with the shock of having the goalposts suddenly shoved a lot closer to me, but I'm okay now and thinking much more positively. I know everything will get done and am reasonably optimistic about getting a positive outcome- from the PhD that is, the fellowship is out of my hands! I do try to be encouraged by other people's belief in me but it is the dreaded 'what-ifs' that haunt me (and everyone else no doubt!). Fortunately I won't have much time to concentrate on those in the next few weeks. I'm off to a pal's wedding abroad two days after my viva, so looking forward to having a complete change of scene for a few days once this is all over with. Just been doing my acknowledgements and trying to acknowledge the PhD forum without making myself less anonymous has been rather a challenge! Best, KB
Good luck KB, you can do it! I would think you have the full support of all forum users here cheering you on; so take a deep breath and then go for it!
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