Hi,

I started my PhD three months ago and at first it was great. I started with a literature review and so I was writing alot at the beginning I was working alot from home, then when I returned very eager, then I realised there was a problem. I work very closely with my research group, we all share the same office and lab space. I've realised that they're not particularly happy with me. I don't seem to fit in, they hardly speak to me unless it's work related, I hear them talking in adjacent rooms and when I walk in there's a deadly silence. Their attitudes towards me makes me reluctant to ask for help. I feel like an outsider and I feel miserable. It's the thought of having to put up with this kind of atmosphere for the next three years, is driving me crazy. I feel trapped and it's making me want out. I'm interested and happy with the work I'm doing. I don't know how to get over this. These are the people I'm meant to be working with and learning from and they're not making me feel very welcome. Help! :(

Despair

Dont give up, this does seem to be a commen problem in research groups. Yes these are people you have to work with but there are other people in the university who you will hopefully get to know and make friends with.

Trying to break into a cliche is hard does you group go to the pub on a Friday or do any social activities? these are good events to get to know your comrads

Failing that facebook and the post grad forum are a good place to chat and vent your anger

I certainly wouldn't quit over these people!!! If you enjoy what you're doing that's a big bonus. It is a shame that your colleagues are acting this way - but maybe if you try to interact with them a bit more they will warm to you? If you do try this and they continue to act this way, it's their problem - just ignore them! I know working in isolation sucks but don't let them get the better of you!!!

Good luck

They do all go out on very rare occassions but as yet have not been invited. There's a small group that go out on a more regualr basis but again, I don't seem to be welcome I don't really know what I have done to upset these people. I don't want to give up but it's really getting me down. I know I should thicken my skin and forget about these people but it's difficult. Thanks for your support guys!

Don't quit. What happens when you get a great job (as I am sure you will) being a lecturer, or in industry and the same kind of thing happens? You'll quit your job and find somewhere else? Yes, it's crap and it's upsetting - let's not deny that, however there are idiots and horrible people everywhere.

I'd approach your PhD as you do, a job - it worked for me (however I was lucky and had a lovely research group) it's NOT your entire life.. and you don't *have* to socialise with these people outside core hours.. So they're nasty and rude? sod them, quite frankly.. I would suggest looking for external activities... even look to other PhD students in other departments, just for support.

And when you HAVE made other friends, you'll probably find the morons actually become a lot more bareable.

Don't think you're at fault.. and don't quit.

I agree with PC_Geek, external activities would be a good way of meeting people and making good quality mates. You dont need the approval of these people and to be honest I dont think they would make good mates if they are so quick to prejudge people.

As long as you are happy with yourself and your work, sod them!!

I do have some great friends outside of PhD, I don't think that's the problem. It just feels unbearable when I'm at uni & no1 wants to speak to you. I'm starting to feel like I've crash landed from outta space into this lab and I'm one of their 'experiments'. I'm sure I'll get through it, it just feels like I want to run out as quickly as I can because it feels so uncomfortable when I'm there .... not a good way to be when you're trying to do a PhD.

you've only got 2 years 9 months to put up with them - or less if their contracts are up first - by which time you can form your own clique that doesn't ostracise newcomers

Are you doing a PhD that requires you to be in the lab 8 hours a day? if not, I would suggest working from home...

I suppose it depends how you want to play it - I mean, you could either try to be 'nicey nicey' and continue to try and be friends with them (which I suppose you could do for a quiet life - certainly not weak) or you could just think 'sod you'.. invite loads of your mates over for a chinwag.. and they could all go on about your incurable rash and ask how your contageous disease is...

Of course, you could just get one of your mates to phone you whilst in the lab and the idiots could overhear 'Yes, everything is fine thanks.. the people here aren't very friendly, but hey.. I hear that's what jealously sometimes does to you'

On the other hand, no.. don't do that - that's the kind of thing I would probably have done... Hope it gets better soon

but can you somehow try to figure out why they are like that? probably try to speak with one less "hostile" and ask if he knows why you are being "alienated".
well, if they are just freaks who won't like you, I say keep on working and find a better PhD at the mean time. even though you don't have to, it is still much more fun to work around a bunch of friendly faces..

Hey there,

I would also suggest approaching them, this is the only way to get out of the situation. A couple of questions to understand your situation better: 1) Are the other members more years into their srtudy? That can make some people less eager to socialize, meet new people etc. It's not because they are bad or don't like you but maybe they don't have the energy to make the effort...so again you should make it. 2) Are you very different from the rest of the group in terms of culture, age, sex etc?

I hope you will talk to them and find out it is just a stupid misunderstanding. Good luck!

agree.. I am quite curious; usually people like to socialize especially when academia is "boring"

yeah not really, because if you socialise with the people from your lab you end up talking about or thinking about work. I am sick and tired of my project (I have less than a month left) and I prefer to spend time with my friends rather than my colleaugues. I have become a bit cynical on the way and talking to freshman phd's that have the illusion they will change the world makes me tired. It's not that I dont like them though, so I try to be nice:)Hm...that post ended up being rather bitter...but I am a bit angry today.

I had this experience when I started a new job once; the people there had all been there from the beginning and had formed a close group. I don't think they meant to be rude; they just were not used to change (and not adult enough to deal with change, sadly). But I tried not to take it too seriously, and eventually they accepted me, and one of them is still my friend today (years later). Keep being pleasant (even though they don't really deserve it), focus your social life elsewhere, and I think everything will be OK before too long.

Hey _despair_, take it easy and don't worry too much about it. I've also decided to go for a PhD in my home country after having spend quite some times studying abroad. At first everything was alright, but after some while I gradually realized my colleagues and I are living in different worlds. Meaning although we're speaking the same language, we have a different sense of humor. Whenever they sit together with coffee talking for hours about topics which, in my opinion, do not change the world a single inch, I immediately get the feeling of wasting time with them when trying to join the communication. I must also say that I'm doing a PhD in the field of Engineering, so maybe people in this field talk more about the inside of their "box" than others.