Too fat?
======= Date Modified 18 44 2010 09:44:47 =======
============= Edited by a Moderator =============
This is completely off-topic and random. I just want to know out of interest, how many of you feel that your bf/gf/wife/husband/partner is too fat or skinny, and does it bother you? And, if it does, would you ever say anything??
The reason I ask is that I have always been very slim and my boyfriend has always struggled with his weight a tiny bit. He's not fat, but he's a bit chunky. Anyway, I don't care at all how much he weighs (never have) and never give him stick about it. The other day I commented that I was 8stone (!?) for the first time in my life, and he got really stroppy about it and said he'd noticed but didn't want to say anything until I noticed. He said I should start running in the morning. Isn't that so hypocritical? I'm tiny and he's a podge and he has the cheek to tell me to do something about it. T****r.
oh my god, I would love to be 8 stone! The only way I will ever get there is to cut off a limb. God if my hubby said that to me, I would start running in the morning and then come back with stories about my 'amazing male running buddy who is super-athletic and really muscly' and see how he likes it, cheeky git!
Cheeky b*****d at 8 stone you are practically wasting away! Go and eat some pies... Unless you are only 3 foot tall, that is. Tell him to do one.
Maybe he's projecting, and it's his own weight he's unhappy about? No excuse for trying to make you feel bad about yourself though.
Seriously though even if you're quite short I can't imagine how anyone can think 8 stone is fat. I would only say anything to my partner if I thought it was a real problem affecting their health, for example, which I'm sure is not the case in your situation.
he does sound a bit sensitive doesnt he? to answer your question, when we met my husband was a triathlete so very muscular, I was a dancer so quite svelt. Since then (c.ten years ago) he has started a 9-5 admin job and I've started my phd. You can imagine that neither of us are the shape we used to be. We tend to only mention it to one another if we include ourselves too, and only in terms of we are getting really unfit, we dont want to die young. So yes, we do mention it, but not to be mean or make the other person feel unattractive, just as motivation to make a change. Could you get fit together?
Maria I can only hope that as someone has said, he is projecting his own insecurities. How dare he criticise your weight?! The fact that he was stroppy about it suggests there might be something going on for him, otherwise he really is a t****r!
My husband is a less fit and toned than when we first met, but I resolutely refuse to acknowledge he's changed because he wouldn't be able to delineate between that admission and my thinking he's less attractive (he's still fitter than most and very handsome!). But he, in a fit of what I can only imagine to be some sort of death wish, told me at christmas that my arse had gotten bigger! He's been paying for that slip ever since....... sometimes I really wonder what goes through their heads.
What an awkward situation - and 8 stone is tiny.
For a number of years, and certainly since I have been in a relationship I have been awkwardly underweight, partially intentionally, partially luck of the draw. There was a brief 6 -8 months where I ate loads more, exercised a lot, and lifted weights and my body really did change and I looked and felt better - and it was clear that the byf found me more attractive.
So now I am tall and awkwardly underweight and it is not very attractive, especially facially, and makes me feel awful. But until I feel able to deal with the stress of the final phd and no job situation, eat loads more, and start doing exercise/weights again, I can't change that.It is very annoying when I think that his body his well-proportioned.
As the less attractive too-skinny person in the couple, I am just grateful that he is patient and doesn't say anything negative (beyond being too thin, he has never said I am unattractive) but i can tell that he thinks I am less attractive now, and I feel that way too. So first on the agenda after the thesis is weight gain.
So I think, generally, that i most couples there are the body politics of "who weigh's what, in relation to whom.." and how changes are managed over time. My parents, for example, got quite rounded in their middle age, but BOTH decided to start going for walks, eating better, and going swimming. They are now the clothes sizes they were 20 years ago, before their 4 children came along and ruined that ;) So I think it is important to be sensitive and not do what your boyfriend did and target your weight, though he may well be conscious of his. Weight is surely the minefield of a relationship at points - especially post-christmas. I think that if it is at all possible, it is nice in a relationship to get to the point where one never feels judged about their appearance and feels relaxed. and importantly, never makes their partner feel uncomfortable in theirs.
I really don't think that comment's on, and I'd tell him what I think of it if it was me!
I've a slightly different perspective on this, having increased my body weight by 50% over the last decade due to constant high steroid doses to control a life-threatening auto-immune disease. My dose will have to stay high, and there's no way I can shift the weight gained as a result.
But my husband is a darling, and never complains about it, and doesn't make comments. We married 15+ years ago before the disease struck, when I was much slimmer. He seems to like me just as much as he used to, and is really sweet about it. I hate seeing photos of myself, and don't like mirrors now, but he's brilliant.
I'm not actually seeing anyone at the moment, but in the past my boyfs have ranged from slim to a little bit on the heavy side, and it really doesn't bother me. I myself am very sporty, and although I am not overweight I am heavier than I used to be due to the medication I have to take for life for my bipolar condition. However, I don't particularly look for sporty men, it doesn't matter that much to me. But if a boyf told me I was too heavy or to lose some weight I would be mightily hacked off and probably feel a bit insulted. If you want to start a keep fit routine I guess you could use the opportunity to take up a new sport together or something. If you are quite happy as you are I would tell him where to go! KB
My ex partner once commented on my weight once, not that id put on weight but i was eating a cake and he took it off me and said i dont want you getting podgy! i think if your with someone you love them for who you are. Weight doesnt matter, he once told me if i had a baby id better lose the wieght within 6 weeks otherwise he would be off! hence why he is an ex. anyway if hes saying things like that to you maybe you should mention it to him, as in lets get fit together, and see how he feels then. And to echo an earlier post id love to be 8 stone, id probably have to amputate my legs though!
======= Date Modified 18 Feb 2010 15:51:08 =======
Hello again, another tu'penth worth from me: Both of my severely dysfunctional ex-boyfrends commented on my weight, as in saying needed to lose some (it wasn't for health reasons), and for them it was the first, subtle, stab in a long line of verbal put downs, which eventually developed into much worse behaviour. The weight comments made me feel really crappy and not like losing weight at all, it almost made me feel like putting more on, in an act of defiance.
I put weight on when I was with a lovely, nice boyfriend and when I moaned about it he just said 'Well you're still doin' it for me, phwoarr!'. And I take this as a barometer of good, non-wierd conduct.
I like the sound of the last boyfriend Eska, and I agree, I think that anyone who tries to undermine your self confidence needs looking at twice.
Scaredgirl thank God that one's an ex! What a turd :-s I'd have smushed that cake into his sarky face.
A lot of men can't honestly tell anyway. I remember about a year into our relationship, when my mum was concerned I'd lost weight. Husbands response was "I don't really think you've changed, but if aything I'd guess you were maybe a kg heavier". I got on the scales to resolve things and found I was a stone lighter than when we met! And there's me worrying that he can see a difference after a few spusd at christmas 8-)
Well, I'm furious. You don't go around saying the things I've read on this thread to your partner. I'm not offending anyone's partner but they have to have either a lack of sensitivity and/or intelligence. Back in the day, when I was hip, young, carefree and in love, I never really thought about weight (I even put some on - gone now though) - I was (sorry, sick bag alert) to busy laughing, chatting and making short term plans. It was enough to know that there's someone who loves you loads and you love them as much back. My partner could eat all the cake she wanted, nay, I fed her bloody cake when she wanted it because I was doing something for her that made her happy. Simples. I despair of relationships nowadays - it's all Hollyoaks and Skins fast loving, raving, KFC and interrelationship abuse.
Right, well, there's only one thing for it. Let me give you some general rules about men without self-flagellating and making apologies for my sex ...
1) We really are an insensitive bunch, you know? When you're stressing about the things that matter in life, we're too busy thinking about food, Ford Cortinas, mates, and the lest savoury amongst us even have carnal musings.
2) Women really are smarter than men. Proof required? Any man that truly excels among his peers is psychologically affected in some way. If he claims he's as wholesome as Mighty White bread, he's also partly mouldy. Proof? Einstein did a runner on his first wife.
3) Women live longer than men. 'Nough said there.
4) Women can multi-task...men can't. Proof other than the overwhelming scientific evidence? Meh...me trying to shave whilst listening to music - the blood loss is of biblical proportions.
5) Women rule the wor-
I'll stop there. I do have a reputation and male friends who will beat me up if they ever find out that I have written this. I feel almost like being a glamorous spy divulging top secret information, unfortunately in a rather less glamorous ITV drama premier, starring Robson and Gerome. Anyhow, take no flaming notice of what they say. There's more crap can come out of a man's mouth in 5 minutes than I can hope to type on this forum throughout the whole course of my PhD. In fact, express inner thoughts of sympathy the next time they say something silly - along the lines of 'awww, but he's just a ickle man'.
