i will hang on in there...i think its the only hope i have it is hard as the only real reason i am in this city is her and there are literally memories on every corner. i just hope she realises that the phd is a significant stressor and is able to give us a chance to sort things out...good advice on the exercise, tryin to avoid drowning my sorrows, squash is definitely a better idea!

thanks for the support, its been really good to have yr help. i think maybe writing a letter is a good idea, i'm wary of meeting her and just blurting it out as the pressure of feeling like i have expectations of her is too much for her right now. i guess all i can do is hang in there and hope that she still loves me and that it shines a light on the darkness of her present confusion

it is really hard, there is so much fear that i'll meet her and she'll just say 'thats it, we're over' but i think if she felt that certain i would know by now (its been two weeks). i really want to let her know i think we have a future together but am scared of crowding her out...i'm willing to wait (though its really hurting me) because i think its important for me to also think about how i feel, i just hope we dont become too distant from one another in the meantime

i'm trying, its hard but when i called her last nite (she texted) we spoke for just two mins but she sounds like she is really appreciating the space. she is obviously quite confused as she is not the kind of girl to play with a mans heart unnecessarily. i do think it is important i let her know i'm committed to her and to keep communicating but i think i must wait for her contact me now...which is so hard, i can see her office from my window

thanks man, much appreciated. my girlfriend has a full time job here already and though i would probably prefer to move elsewhere my expertise is here and i could definitely find a research job here so there is a possibility for a future its just that i've been showing a distinct fear of commitment which i think i'm overcoming now. the difficulty is that now she is so busy its really hard to talk about us and the future, she feels confused and uncertain and the thoughts of working at the relationship right now are far from her mind...i only wish i'd realised the situation earlier but i am trying to both give her space and let her know i'm here for her.

hi guys, thanks so much for all the responses it has helped me feel less alone in what is a difficult situation to explain to non-PhDer's. I emailed her today to say we need space, she is so busy that i think it is only right. we are on good terms but i think the last time we met she realised that she can't get back wi me and finish up, which i undeerstand hard as it is for me. i've decided to not let her know i'm hurting as bad as i am and to write/email tellin her how strong my feelings are, that i want to commit to her and that i honestly (which i do) believe we can work through the problems in the relationship. perhaps the only good attitude to adopt is a stoical one, either we are destroyed or built back stronger, i really hope the later.

she probably wanted to discuss things about three months ago but she bottled it up and now with the stress of the phd on top of her she seems unable/unwilling to dicuss anything now...
its been hard as we met when i had a girlfriend (c.2 years ago), it took awhile for us to get it together(though i knew that she really liked me). we havent handled me moving over very well, again i think the uncertainity surrounding the phd has contributed.
i think yr right about not drifting too far apart, but i'm scared of crowding her out at a time when all she can think of is the next chapter

the pressure on us to succeed is wearing on her (i've moved here to be wi her). i think she was very blinded by love for me that she ignored thinking about the future until very recently and now she is frightened and confused. i can see a happy, long term future for us but i havent said that (in fact i've intimated the opposite on a few occassions) due to my own fear of commitment. but, to be honest, i think there is something really special there.
i've decided to cancel dinner and suggest more a break, we have seen each other 2 often since i returned(most of our friends are mutual). i think the holiday would be great for us, but too much pressure for her just now. i dont want to break up wi her but i feel like that is what she is pushing me to do

talking about the future was the barrier, i think, but instead of sitting down and discussin it alot of resentment has built up over the last few months (on both sides). i ended up stayin around at hers too often at a time when i think she wanted to be alone wi her work...now i dont think she sees a future for us...she is very happy in her job but fears that if i stay here for her it'll be too much pressure on her...its hard because we havent really talked these things through and now it seems too late...

i know, i'm concerned that if we dont try to rebuild bridges sooner rather than later it will all be over, but she has time/energy for it. she says she doesnt want to throw away something that could be reconciled but right now i cant see how we can find the space to change things.

the future after phd has been uncertain, she has a permanent job (she is 27), i'm 26 and have said previously i'll probably have to move on to find work. to be honest we have avoided talking about the future recently, which is a big factor in all this...i cant help but feel that as she comes to the end of the phd the stress of an uncertain future with me has become too much to bear...

but is now the right time to try to say that i do want to commit to her? i dont think it is what she wants to hear right now...

there is something about the stress of the future, she seems very confused and is giving off very mixed messages (e.g. i love you then i'm not sure how i feel about you). its really uncharacteristic for her. This all went down about two weeks ago. afterwards i went home for a week. we chatted a bit then met up on sat nite and were kissing, though still tension, met again on sunday and she seemed alot better but when i bumped into her yesterday she was very cold. i think its moving way too fast and she needs time to miss me.
i said i'd take her out to dinner tonight but having second thoughts...not sure what to do...i think i should break from here for a much longer period, until she is closer to completion but am concerned that we havent talked about the issues that have caused us problems, should i wait until a month or two down the line to discuss them or just bring her out tonight, talk through the issues and say goodbye!? sorry for all the questions...damned confusion

thanks for the sage advice. space and time are probably the only hope for us. though i'm loathe to let go of something special without a fight trying to conduct a relationship with somebody who is so emeshed in the thesis is very hard as the person has so little to give (both emotionally and in terms of time) and it seems like all the other problems we might have are magnified ten fold.

she knows i love her, we have met a bit recently but i think now is the time to steel my reserve and to do a bit of a vanishing act for the next month.

thanks again

i've been with my girlfriend for over a year,its been (on the whole)a very positive relationship but we are both doing phd's (which is hard!). she is a year ahead of me and is in the very final stages of writing up (aiming to submit in a months time). two weeks ago, pretty much out of the blue, she asked for a break. we have issues that i think could be worked out if it was a 'normal' situation but the stress of finishing has her exhanusted and quite depressed and she doesnt want to talk about us. she says she is confused about everything (including me), i'm trying to give her space, hoping that once the phd is completed we can address our relationship but she cant think past the phd at the minute. Has anyone else out there have experience of this type of situation? I'm going crazy (and doing no work) as i love her very much and what to give her space but i just need to know whether it is us or the phd?!?