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moilee
Wednesday, 3 June 2020 at 7:38am
Friday, 3 July 2020 at 3:14am
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Thread: Still feeling like a failure after graduating

posted
03-Jul-20, 03:23
edited about 22 seconds later
by moilee
Avatar for moilee
posted about 1 week ago
Hi all,

This is probably related to my previous thread about feeling triggered when I see former colleagues publishing papers but I am now starting to feel like a failure too. I have no first author publications and have only contributed to two large papers (still in preparation). With these two papers, I am also not being given much credit as people that did not contribute have their names before mine.

I feel disadvantaged because of my zero publications and feel like my PhD was a fail. The reviewers of my PhD thought I could publish but my supervisor just hasn't given me much attention. I should have also published something from my Masters but that (different) supervisor kept ignoring my drafts and dodging questions about it. Last I heard, they gave it to a postdoc... this isn't ethical is it? I mean, this is my work and I should have some say?

I really would appreciate any advice you have as it's been a year and I can't help feel abandoned by my uni and supervisors who are chasing bigger things to care about my small results.

Thank you kindly.
Moilee

Thread: Overwhelemed and too stupid for PhD

posted
07-Jun-20, 08:15
by moilee
Avatar for moilee
posted about 1 month ago
Hi Smiths,

I completely empathise and I had these feelings during my candidature too. You sound exactly like me about a year ago.

Firstly, let me allay your fears. Nobody gets a PhD based on pity. That's just not how higher degrees work. You have to put in the effort and it sounds as though you do.

I felt as though my projects were not world-changing but I learnt to realise that not many PhDs are (even though we all want that). Lab work is tedious, tiring and does not always work. But as long as you are trying then that will help you finish! How long is your PhD for and can you apply for an extension?

If your project and techniques are difficult, then it might take a little longer for you to get some good results; even a negative result is a result! It's all in how you write up your thesis. :)

That internal dialogue that you are having with yourself about not being smart is unhelpful and I've been there. Has anyone in your group said this to you; your supervisor or peers? Probably not. You are putting far too much pressure on yourself and you sound kind of burnt out. Take time to heal. These are an extraordinary set of circumstances we are in. Please do not be so hard on yourself. I know this is easier said than done but believe me when I say that only you can get yourself out of think funk.

Try to remember why you enrolled as a (fully funded!) PhD student. Things will get better. I promise. Maybe consider talking to a counsellor to get sift through your emotions. It helped me a great deal. If you ever want to talk feel free to DM me.

Focus on finishing! You're going to be fine :) but you have to believe that you will

M

Thread: Still triggered by PhD experience

posted
07-Jun-20, 07:59
edited about 24 seconds later
by moilee
Avatar for moilee
posted about 1 month ago
Quote From Tudor_Queen:


I can empathise with the feelings being triggered. You could try listing and then avoiding the situations that trigger the feelings. Or if that isn't possible then it might just be a matter of time - maybe as you do and achieve more in what you are currently doing you'll start to feel less touchy about the past.


Hi Tudor_Queen, Thank you for your message. I really appreciate it. Yes, I am trying to employ these strategies. I am glad I am not alone in having these feelings.


Quote From PhoenixFortune:


What helped me was making sure that every career decision I made from then on came from a place of seeking happiness overall, and not doing anything as a means to an end. It also gave me a good measure of who are good people for me and who aren't, and to trust my gut instinct more.


Really wise words. Thank you PhoenixFortune. I figured out a bit too late that I needed to focus on my headspace and wellbeing!

I apologise for the terrible typos in my initial message! >.<

Thanks again everyone.

Moilee

Thread: Still triggered by PhD experience

posted
03-Jun-20, 07:57
by moilee
Avatar for moilee
posted about 1 month ago
Hi all,

Hope everyone is keeping safe and sane. Long time lurker, first time writer here.

I have a question for everyone that has been affected by their postgraduate experience. Are you still triggered by certain people, topics or scenarios that haunted you while you were studying?

Now, I did not have the worst time but it wasn't good or easy either. I passed my thesis but never received support to publish (even though all my thesis reviewers said that I could or should). A few post-docs in my lab were vocally unsupportive of me even attempted to delay my thesis submission. Granted, there were some personality differences between us and but their lack of professionalism was painful to experience (of course I am conscious that there are two sides to every story also).

My PhD projects were different to everyone else in the lab and my supervisor did not see the monetary benefit (that is no big grants could come out of it) and thus did not invest much time in my work. My science was sound and I did everything diligently. I'm not someone who published just for the sake of it. I believe in time-tested science and saw that many colleagues did not have this same ethos. Anyway, I digress.

Almost one year on from graduating, each time I see a former colleague publish, I feel almost paralysed. I know academia isn't for me and I am chasing my alternative academia dream but that hurt of being ignored and not supported is still raw.

Has anyone dealt with this before and if so, how did you over it? I am not willing to go back to my former lab until I am strong enough to deal with things. Hopefully I might not ever have to go back except for giving a talk or seminar of the joys of life outside of academia! :P

Love your work!

Best.
M
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