Hi Manfred,

A couple of thoughts: I'm a "mature" student who worked outside academia for a while before ending up in a PhD programme. Also ended up in a hellhole. Also spent at least 3 different periods over the 3 years where I realized my confidence was lower than I ever thought it could be. I do think that when academia is bad, there's probably nothing worse. I've worked some bad jobs, with awful people, but there's something about the straightforwardness of the exchange -- I owe you this work, you owe me that check, when I am off duty, you don't exist. That separation doesn't happen in academia. In some ways, it can't, if you do research, because the things that are in your head all day are all wrapped up with the people at your university. What I'm saying is: recognize that it isn't you, it really is the situation! If you decide to stay for some reason, think of it as a challenge: how can I (independently) avoid this? I did that: I totally minimized my time with my department: enough presence not to look like I'm acting out, but I am physically in that building about 10% of the time I used to be. And boy did my work improve! I also started reaching out to people at other universities, and made some good contacts and realized that there are good people out there, too.

But I also would say: don't think of leaving in a negative way. Two years -- and all the stress of a PhD -- is not worth it if your heart's not in it. Don't take two years for granted. Plus, this year was worth it. Whatever else happened, you learned something key about yourself -- you like working with "everyday people" etc. That's huge! Good to know at your age! All best wishes!

Just thought I'd add my system . . . When I download articles electronically, I always save them into the same folder on my hard drive ("journal articles"). I use a formula for naming the file (lastname initials year title without punctuation). When I attach one to an Endnote record, I then shift the electronic copy from the first folder to another ("journal articles in Endnote"). Basically, I can always see which downloaded files haven't been added in to Endnote yet, which is a bit of housekeeping I can do when I have time...

Then, for hard copies of articles and book chapters, I keep them in a file cabinet, usually filed under author's names. But I customized a field in Endnote, and call it "Own copy?" So, when I file one of the hard copy files, I usually make a note in that field that lets me remind myself 1) that I have a copy on file and 2) what I filed it under (important for book chapters, in particular).

It took a lot of trial and error to get to this point, but it is a system that works for me. And I can say definitely that HAVING a system itself is very helpful -- I can't say how much time it has saved me, but it has saved me tons of time and lots of aggro!

Hysterical! Neither have I, and there's only a few months to go to rectify that situation! Think I'll file a grievance . . . .

>>> Sorry! I wish there was something that indicated when I've gone over the character limit.

Last thoughts:
So that's my experience: it hasn't been what I hoped or expected in many ways, but the difficulties that I had ended up providing the trigger for a new frame of mind on life in general. I have great hopes that my dissertation will turn into a book, and be the ticket toward an academic career. But even my wildest dreams for the PhD itself are much less important to me now than what I gained by thinking of these years as an opportunity to think about the "big issues" in a somewhat disciplined way. I don't think I would have ever made the time for this in my old corporate life -- the siren call of "the job" and the way that sense of importance allows you to avoid seeing the fleeting quality of life etc. is a powerful force. So, it may not be "mindfulness" for you, but think of the PhD years as a unique opportunity to explore the big issues in life, when your time is largely your own even if your workload is just as big as it will be in an ordinary job. That was the most positive experience of the PhD for me -- in a PhD that has had many, many positive experiences as well as some of the most stressful experiences of my adult life. But it was the stress of depression that led me to the most positive thing, so I'm actually very glad that it wasn't all smooth sailing.

My experience has been more of a mixed bag -- and I am profoundly grateful for having had the experience. I'm from the US and 3 months away from submitting a Phd in the humanities at a UK university. This has been a return to academia for me, so I have brought a lot of work experience and understanding of the ups and downs of "organizational behavior." In terms of "down time," I think every PhD student has the opportunity for a social life -- the challenge is that we often have to deal with being in nearly full control of that. It takes some skill and experience to learn how you will approach the competing pressures of time spent on the PhD and time spent on other things -- because no matter what, there is always more you could be doing on the Phd. It's not even a question of perfectionism or not: if you think there's some "perfect" product at the end, that will be your first big insight: the final product, the dissertation, is an act of the "art of the possible." Today, 2.5 years into this project, the amount of ideas I have had to put aside -- ideas that are central to the thesis, not offshoots -- far outweigh what will end up in the 80,000 final document.

I've had many difficulties with "the system" -- as well as family problems (including sudden and expected death of a loved one) and financial pressures -- so it has been far from smooth sailing. But I am very excited by my research, and kind of proud that I did not let the demoralizing aspects of "the system" minimize that enthusiasm. But it was a close call. There were two stages -- month 13 and months 21 and 22 -- where I look back and think I probably would have qualified as clinically depressed.

But here's the thing. That experience of suffering/struggling in the weird quasi-independence of life as PhD student really forced me to work on what I think is the most valuable thing I will take away from the PhD. Unlike in my old work life, the work wasn't being dictated by the demands of the company; I had to decided what was most important. Unlike in my old work life, stress could not really be thought of as the fault of the organization: within certain parameters, I had a lot of control over how much interaction I had with the unpleasant dynamics of my academic department. So, the slings and arrows were just as real as they were in my old corporate life (just a fact of life in organizations: people can be obnoxious, right?), but I didn't NEED many of those people to finish my work. My supervisor, yes. The others: not so much. So, I came up with the idea of using the PhD time to see what I could do to gain greater wisdom/competency -- whatever the word is -- about the big issues in life: how do we spend our brief time in this life? Along the way, I found various authors involved in "mindfulness" to be exactly what I needed. Daily meditation is becoming part of my daily routine (I say "is becoming" because at first it was ad hoc, then intermittent, and has been daily for only a short time). The idea of "the now," the importance of daily practice (a habit of mind that is different from goal-oriented planning, so a very nice addition to my "tools"), a different way of thinking about the inescapable suffering and impermanence of life, and awareness of just how demanding the mind can be, always looking back or forward, unwilling "to stay" in the present -- these have all be great things to learn, and relearn daily. Ironically, by spending less time looking ahead or behind, I've also made much faster progress on the dissertation. But that seems almost a secondary benefit now!

So that's my experience: it hasn't been what I hoped or expected in many ways, but the difficulties that I had ended up providing the trigger for a new frame of mind on life in general. I have great hopes that my dissertation will turn into a book, and be the ticket toward an academic career. But even my wildest dreams for the PhD

I can relate to your post, even if the details are different (I'm less grade oriented, and am not really hung up on negative feedback on documents, but I am a perfectionist who can't really turn something in until I feel like it is perfect, so deadlines are my problem!)

In any case, I would recommend a change of mindset. It has worked for me. You really do have to make the process, not the product or the outcome, your focus. Working on a chapter? Tune out the outside/external "structure" of deadlines/grades/feedback/PhD award or whatever, and think of it as you and the idea of the chapter. The fun of making your idea come through clearly; the excitement of seeing the word counts or pages or whatever move forward (not "the finish line" so much). Think about how great it is that life has allowed you to explore this idea, and think about how much fun or intellectual satisfaction you are getting. I even think of things historically, or timelessly -- kind of fun to be engaged in a "conversation" with people who've gone before and explore the ideas I'm into; fun to think that some day, maybe, someone will find something I've written to be very helpful (my dissertation took an exciting twist when I found an article from 1943 . . .) In other words, you have to take it hour by hour, and it really can get almost fun, even if it is hard.

I started to figure this out by working with a variety of "writing" advice books and "mindfulness" books (and books on tape), and started to realize that they were both kind of saying the same thing. Hemingway didn't write novels; he wrote 500 words every day. Some of the mindfulness stuff I'd recommend are Full Catastrophe Living and Wherever you Go There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn -- the first is full of scientific information from his clinic, if logical stuff helps you (it does me) and the second are short little "essays," more poetic and inspirational. I also have (on audio books) Mindfulness by Mark Williams et al; and Getting Unstuck by Pema Chodron (a recorded lecture or series of lectures; kind of informal). I have found all of them helpful, and helpful together. I have not been terribly disciplined; I meditate and do some breathing exercises etc. but not daily yet. But I have found it very centering. I think I will come away from the PhD with some good research in my field, but I have "grown" as a person because I found the mindfulness stuff as part of my effort to "solve" my struggles with "perfectionism." It's not a magic bullet; it is really just a way of learning (and relearning hourly) how to stay in the now and enjoy what you are doing and where you are. Ironically, the "long term" work seems to get done better, faster, etc. once I changed my focus to the immediate. I mean, I still plan, etc., and think ahead. But I try to stay in the moment and enjoy the planning, instead of stressing about a product 90 days from now, or whatever.

I'm not describing this well; but it's kind of ineffable. But I'm very glad that the PhD forced me into trying to address one problem (my perfectionism against a limited time for the PhD), and over the course of the last year or so I've found the mindfulness stuff to have been life-altering in a way that goes far beyond the practicalities of the Phd or the details of my research.

Hey Sparkles, I'm from US and in UK, and I've had two particular challenges/disappointments. I applied to PhD programme while in a master's program elsewhere, and was accepted and offered funding, but of course it was conditional on successful completion of master's. Alas, UK immigration does not allow you to apply until you have an unconditional offer (at least that's how it worked then; been changes with new government at Westminster). So, it was very difficult: lots of waiting, then student visa finally approved, mad dash to move to UK, and I arrived and started in December, not September, with local cohort. It's been a problem ever since, really. Program/admin not really geared toward anyone being out of step, and so I'm aiming to finish at the same time as my friends who had a three-month head start, and who didn't have any challenges, such as finding an apartment etc. I mean, I was as proactive and organized as anyone can be, but I got here, got registered 2 days before the funding offer was set to expire (uni probably would have extended the offer, but at the time I was thrilled to not have had to ask and wanted to get out of limbo and get my library privileges activated etc...) But that meant I spent my first six weeks getting settled (finding an apartment, finding out how the electricity and gas work, getting a phone and Internet access etc., finding my way around campus, trying to figure out the nuances of UK academic culture etc.), so, in truth, I started doing the work itself five months after my peers. Have spent most of my time here having my progress compared to people who didn't have those challenges, in terms of chapters completed etc. Of course, I always remind people that I'm off the typical academic schedule, but it's like fighting the ocean waves: I'm a first year, and then a second year student, etc., and the nuance of the lost months and the cultural and purely practical drag at the beginning -- no one remembers but me.

But I've managed to make it through all that I think, and there will be an upside on the other end if I really do manage to submit a little earlier: if I'm lucky, I might be able to defend and submit final copy etc. while still funded. That was my other surprise, which I blame myself for. I was funded for three years for what I understood to be a three-year PhD system, so no problem. But once I got here I found everyone talking about it as a "three and one" system, i.e., three years to submit (funded), and one year to defend finalize and graduate. Not a problem if you are a citizen and have full work rights, but kind of a surprise to me, and I've watched most students use that full year to finish up, and gain extra teaching experience, etc. I won't have that ability: student vise expires after 3 years and 3 months, and expensive to apply for an extension, not that I could afford to stay here without funding anyway. So: logistically, I will have to finish dissertation, defend it, and finalize it in about a year less than most other students in the program, and there is no understanding of this from either the admin or faculty perspective: I'm just another third-year student in their eyes . . .

All that said, I wouldn't change a thing. I've had a good time, my thesis is stronger because I've lived in the location/culture that it studies, it's been a fun challenge to find my way etc, and -- at this point, ask me again in six months -- I think the extra pressure to finish early has been helpful. It's one thing to say "I need to focus," it's another thing to realize that there's a financial and legal point of no return ahead of me if I don't...!

But my main advice, no matter where you are going to or coming from is to build in lots of buffer -- at first, everything just takes you a lot longer, just because you are a foreigner (getting a bank account etc.), and all t

I can understand your frustration. I've had a similar experience where the details are quite different, but the outcome is the same. In my case, I went to a new uni, where, on paper, they seemed to have everything I needed. I made the mistake of thinking that since I explained my research interest in my original email; met with the proposed supervisor in advance; and they funded me; that they must have liked my idea. Once I got here, however, I found that no one much cared about the idea/methodology, or about my career plans or prospects, etc.: and soon, they were pressuring me to just change to the methodologies that they are already comfortable with, etc. I went through a dreary year, trying to meet folks in the middle, cobbled something together for the upgrade (which wasn't a pretty sight), but managed to make it through to an acceptable position by the half-way mark (new supervisor, reverted to my original plan after getting good external feedback once I'd ditched all the crap aimed at patching in the other methodologies etc.). So, I have the bare necessities in place (funding preserved, new supervisor etc.) but I, too, feel like I'm working independently and without the benefit of an intellectual community: which is really a shame, a great disappointment, and a practical risk for the dissertation itself. Plus, no matter how well I do in official terms, I am unlikely to get the kind of eager support/references etc. that staff can give to the students they are enthusiastic about. I, too, considered transferring, but, for a variety of reasons, it seemed like the lesser of two evils to just stay and get the dissertation done.

If it helps, here are a few things I HAVE done to try to compensate for what feels like a bad hand: 1) I limit my time in the department (I don't volunteer for grad student committees; have scheduled supervisor meetings much farther apart going forward etc.) This minimizes the "black hole of despair" feeling. They can't really help, so I am trying to limit the opportunities for them to make me feel out of step. 2) I am on my very best behaviour, though: no bitching about the department (anymore), show up to all research presentations (seeming chipper and enthusiastic etc., -- "if you can't make it, fake it."), make a point to keep my body language optimistic. I think of all my relationships in the department as part of my "job" -- I plan leave them feeling good about me, don't want to worry about the small world in the future, etc., but it's surface level stuff: I no longer expecting much in terms of finding an intellectual mentor or colleagues. 3) I contacted three experts at other unis whose work I admire, mentioned my interest in their work, hinted at the course of my research (but didn't belabour it) and asked if I could stop by next time I was passing through. All three of them responded warmly and with open invitations; have followed up with two, and got very practical support and the beginnings of a professional relationship are starting. They are basically serving in place of my supervisors, intellectually. I'm supposed to meet the third this fall. Basically, I'm depending on "the kindness of strangers" for the intellectual support I thought I would get here -- but at least I'm no longer trying to make this place into something it is not -- and I've gotten confirmation from experts in my area that I'm on the right track. 4) I upp'ed my exposure on various social media where some of the experts in the field hang out, and have broadened my intellectual supprt base and built some contacts that way. In short: I am trying to work around the limitations of where I am.

Will it work? Who knows. I know I'd feel better about making it through if I had better confidence that my supervisors appreciated what I was doing and were enthusiastic about my career. But, once I made the decision

I am a big fan of OneNote for one particular usage: tracking things I see on the web. First, it's brilliant for saving copies of receipts etc. -- saves on printing. Use the "clip" tool, grab your confirmation numbers etc., and you've saved on printing.

But the very best tool -- something few people seem to be aware of -- is the "Send to One Note" tool that is integrated between Windows Explorer and One Note. It sends the complete page -- often with some layout difficulties, since style sheets etc., don't translate well. But, while it may not look perfect, the main text and most photos almost always transfer perfectly fine -- and a note is automatically added that records when this page was downloaded, and from what URL.

What this "Send to One Note" is brilliant for: saving job announcements, funding opportunities, calls for papers, etc.: Anything where you'd want to go back and check the details. I've been keeping the job announcements for positions that interest me -- either because of the uni/organization or because of the position description. It's helped me develop ideas/language/buzz words etc. for my CV. It's also good for saving news stories (say, about places you'd like to holiday, once you can!). I just "send" things to a default section, and then once a month or so, go through and delete what's no longer needed (receipts etc.) and file the rest under various categories (sample job announcements, postdoc ideas, etc.). It has replaced the need for notes, print outs, or re-googling something you saw when you were too busy to take notes. It's really brilliant.

I have never found it particularly helpful for regular note taking, though -- word processor works better for me for that.

Okay, I thought I'd add an update on my "self-experimentation" to try and fix my dissertation-induced writing anxieties. This thread was very helpful to me -- glad to know it was just me having this type of problem, and Olivia's advice was very helpful.

A few things I have noticed by paying particular attention: I am in mental knots whenever I have to spent time in my department. Bad associations, maybe, but just plain bad karma and unpleasant people. So:

1) I am glad to recognize this, so I'm able to understand the angst when it occurs, and can write it off (no pun intended) as what I now call post-department shock syndrome (PDSS) rather than signs of something wrong with me. This insight has been empowering, and my ability to make fun of them/me about it in my own head has actually reduced the severity, relaxed me when I am there, etc.

2) I minimize my time there whenever possible (without damaging myself politically), which has also minimized bounts of PDSS.

3) I plan for it. Try to be sure I build in time to detox in some way between a visit to the department and sitting back down at my computer to write. I watch a movie, go for a walk, take a shower, hang out among friends, stop in to the great local museum that is on my route home. I no longer come back to my home office and fret ineffectually in front of an open document.

The Flowers idea has been very powerful to me, so many, many thanks to Olivia! Here is how I adapted/adopted the general concept to help with the fact that my writing anxieties have me sitting at the computer for long hours, which can become self-defeating after a while, but is hard to stop when the anxieties mean you haven't made the progress needed, and deadlines are coming at you, increasing the anxiety, etc etc: the vicious circle.

I used bright-orange sticky-notes to that say "Madperson at Work" "Architect at Work," "Carpenter at Work," and "Judge at Work." I decide what my priority is, and then put that sticky note in front of me so that it is visible, under the monitor. So, if I need to write that paragraph that I know is missing about a particular study that supports my thesis, then I put "Carpenter at Work" in front of me, and it helps me not get sidelined by either too much free-form, or too much precision. If I wake up in the morning with what seems like a new idea half-formed after some sleep, I put "Madperson at Work" and open a new document and try to capture the idea fully, but imprecisely. Etc. etc.

If I feel myself getting hung up at any stage (just spent an hour to revise one paragraph, say) then I switch from Judge to Architect, and work on cutting and pasting some paragraphs around in a draft chapter, for example -- just to have a change of mentality but to allow me to keep working.

Finally, in terms of the Flowers method, I have created a rule that allows me to have music on when I'm in the madperson stage, and that REQUIRES me to have music on in the Architect stage. The music is a reminder that I shouldn't accidentally shift into the Judge mode. This has also been a big help: breaking the lonely silence of a frustrated writer working late at night while the world sleeps has often provided a shot of energy. So sometimes I shift to Architect mode just for the humanity of Mark Knopfler's voice . . .
:-)

In addition to helping avoid anxiety, this new system has also influenced the way I maintain my documents and file folders. No need to bore you with the minutia, but it has solved one of my problems: having many many draft documents, and a feeling that I've written this before, but can't quite find it among the similarly named documents (april 25 draft, april 29 draft). I now have a clean master document where I do my architecture, carpentry, and judging, with various madperson folders that give some order to the creative chaos. This has absolutely transformed my work. I owe you,

Saw these nice graphics on Lifehacker today:

http://www.medicalbillingandcoding.org/sitting-kills/

Having gained 10 pounds since starting the doctorate, I'm working to reverse the damage! Thought these were a good reminder. I've been using an online stopwatch, setting it for various increments as a reminder to get up and walk around, go out for a short walk, do some simple exercises, etc. It's been helping my mental attitude and my writing . . . Took some experimentation, thought, to figure out the right time increments for me (25 minute pomodoros are too short for me: but three 60-minute cycles, with short breaks between and a longer break after seems to be helping. At least I've stopped gaining.

Passing this along in case it helps anyone else stay motivated!

Hello All,

I'm not from the UK. I'm following Chicago Style for references.

But I struggle to be consistent on UK style on various items. The university doesn't seem much fussed with this -- yet but I have a fiddly dissertation, with lots of 16th century texts and manuscripts etc., so with half the dissertation written I'm well aware that final proof/edit etc. will be a nightmare if I'm not good as I go along. So, I also don't want to struggle with having half the text say colonise, while elsewhere colonize, etc., and MS Word's spellchecker, no matter what I do, seems to accept American alternatives. (I thought I had the setting set to UK only, but it seems to revert on its own. I think it happens if I paste anything in from a document that wasn't set as UK language only. But I'm not sure. I think Bill Gates just wants to torture me.)

So, I've been keeping my own style sheet of recurring issues, and usually get guidance online. But it would be nice to have a UK equivalent of the Chicago Manual right at my desk. I've looked at Oxford, but its index is a mess, and I'm not planning to READ it right now, just want to be able to quickly get my hand on things like double and single quotation marks, or abbreviations for "signatures" in old books etc. Anyone know of a really credible, but easy to use source?

Yes. Break. Sleep. Travel. Relax. Read that long, funny, unserious novel. Whatever helps you take a break. But also: Use the time to take care of personal busy-ness things, all those little loose ends of your non-intellectual life (taxes, wills, dentist appointment, finding that book you were supposed to send back to a friend, letter of thanks to a mentor, sorting through old documents, and trashing the ones you won't need, etc.). The clearer you get your life, and therefore your head, the better you will be able to concentrate on PhD. Make the summer you're chance for a clean start!

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Hello Karl,

Your email sounds like I could have written it, except I've not been brave enough to actually get medical or behavioural help.

But with the last round -- for me, the physical torture plays out in a numb feeling in shoulders and neck, a feeling like I can't swallow, dizziness that actually feels serious, an overwhelming sleepiness, drop in body temperature, and a mind that suddenly loses the ability to concentrate. For example I'll cut a paragraph to move it, but then, in medias res, I can't remember what the paragraph in the holding pattern even says, much less where I thought I would paste it, or even where I cut it from. I end up opening a new document, pasting it there just to see what it says, then go back to try to find where it goes etc. -- I've often wondered if I'm going crazy! And so I miss deadlines, and the pressure only builds, and the concentration falls, and then I manage to squeak through, late, at great cost to my personal credibilty, and I try another technique thinking I can work my way out of this (I've done pomodoros, I've done 1 hour every morning, 7 days a week, I've done 500 words/day for 60 days, and still, when I reach a crunch, I'm crunched, and in as bad a shape as if I'd procrastinated . . . There is no pleasure in the good final product, because it was late and I am wrecked.

I don't know of any groups, but I did find a book that is starting to help. I'm hyper analytical, so it may not work for everyone, but it's called The Midnight Disease by Alice Flaherty. She's a neurologist at Harvard who ended up with a post-partum "hypergraphia" experience (almost as bad as block) which resulted, in the end, to her doing research on the brain (biology) and the mind (psychology etc.), and the causes of writers block etc. Scary as it is, she has made me feel better because the book shows just how complex writing is, and how many areas for difficulty there are (hormonal, behavioural, etc.), and how most self-help books pretend like there's a one-size-fits-all solution. I am not finished reading it (just found it last week), but basically she seems to have a practical approach of "self-experimentation" -- all her research basically shows there is no single cause, solution, etc., so it is a matter of being programmatic in finding your solution, part of which might be medical etc. as you are tring, but part of which is developing the habits that work for you etc. But it is helping me just to understand the medicine and science behind it all. And basically, her advice is resonating with me, because I have, in fact, been informally experimenting these past few months, and have started to make some progress, and now after reading her book I'll probably be more self-observant if you know what I mean. Stop feeling like there's something wrong with me, and just keep looking for the mix of behaviours that works. My most recent deadline was missed, but I ended up with 22,000 good words written, and I wasn't totally wrecked, because I seem to have prevented the full blown panic. (I hate to say it, but one of my new behaviours is self-medicating. I'm not a big drinker, but I do like Scotch, so when I feel the panic building, I often nip it in the bud now with a half-shot mixed with twice as much water, drunk quickly; takes the edge off the anxiety before it gets crippling, but doesn't interfere with mental clarity.) Her book is giving me some foundation/logic for what has felt like flailing around, trying anything. It might help to read it.

Hello Zaracer,

I don't have any specific advice for you, other than to say you should try to find someone there -- an advocate for you, a friend, who understands your particular university -- and just talk to him or her. I'm a foreign student in the UK, too, and have been struggling with a similar sense of alienation from my department, for similar reasons. I have some friends here, but talking to them has backfired -- it's a closed institution, they all have been here for a long time (did BAs and postgrads here, grew up in town etc.), and so I think talking to them only contributed to the sense among the depart. as a whole that I don't belong. I wish I had found an outside source, earlier on, that I could talk to freely, without repercussions. See if you can find someone in the international office, or student counseling, or the postgrad office -- someone outside your department. They can probably help with some perspective; they will probably not hurt; and just talking to someone "live" might help you clarify your thoughts.

All best wishes as you find your way. You will, you know (find your way!!)
B.