Can anyone give me some advice? I am in love with my supervisor and cannot stop thinking about him. There seems to be a real chemistry between us and we are always emailing each other nearly every day. Problem is dont know how he feels, both have partners, he is much older. This is unbearable!
I suspect that this happens much more than people would care to admit. Its natural for people to find others attractive regardless if they are in a relationship or not, and someone knowledgable, authoritative and in a powerful position may enhance that attractiveness. Fair enough.
However, its one thing to have the feelings and another to act on them. It is not at all wise to do anything that would compromise yourself
I didn't fall for my supervisor (she's a she), but I did end up with the director of my research institute last december. The relationship was difficult (we finally ended it a couple of weeks ago, but not because of uni, complications with his ex and children). But he is a fantastic guy - of course much older - and now one of my best friends, and one of the great loves of my life. The key thing is though, we were both single. You are both adults, and is a choice you need to make as rationally as possible. Is there another academic who could act as your supervisor should things go wrong? How far into your PhD are you? Is it chemistry or is it deeper than that - ie how would things work on an everyday level - do you like the same non-PhD stuff?
Age gaps are irrelevant if you truly love someone - but could you love your supervisor - if it's not going to be a long-term thing, stay far far away.
Thanks for your messages. I too dont think it would be wise to do anything for many reasons, and thinking practically for once, above all it would jeopardise my PhD as there would not be anyone else to supervise me within the department. However at this moment it is impossible to see an end in sight as I am falling for him in a big way, and our meetings are uncomfortable as we both avoid eye contact and blush. Any advice for getting over this would again be appreciated. cheers
"However at this moment it is impossible to see an end in sight as I am falling for him in a big way, and our meetings are uncomfortable as we both avoid eye contact and blush. Any advice for getting over this would again be appreciated. cheers"
Yes, get yourself a new supervisor or change the institution. You are walking on thin ice and you don't seem to realise it.
what I mean is, right now the uncomfortable situation is the only problem. But in the future, the relationsship and chemistry between you and your supervisor could get considerably worse. It's like the swing of the pendulum. If you don't respond to your supervisors feeling love could turn into hatred or at least jeopardise your PhD completion.
The working relationsship between a supervisor and student can get very close, in particular in the final year. So much depends on this relationsship that your supervisor needs to be your supporter, your friend, your counsellor, your mentor and your boss. And this is not possible in your case. That's why I advocate a change of supervisor. If possible to someone with your gender.
thanks for your advice stoll, but I don't think that if I was able to change supervisor that it should be female-I am not a maneater who fancies every male I come into contact with! As I said there is a chemistry between us (if I am not imagining it) which I have not felt before. Like I said, it will never be possible to change supervisor in my dept as he is the only specialist with expertise in my area-So i just cannot see a way out of this. its easy to say stop these feelings now because you have to which I keep telling myself, but I just cant. Has no one else ever had this problem??!!
"its easy to say stop these feelings now because you have to which I keep telling myself, but I just cant. "
Well, you got to make a decision. If you can't stop these feelings or change your supervisor (can you not perhaps work more closely with another advisor whilst still being officialy supervised by him?) than you simply won't get a PhD. That's the truth, if you like it or not.
Dear Lamp, o.stoll is always very direct in his answers. You have all my sympathy and I understand what you are going through. However, there isn't any other way to put it. o.stoll is right. You need to put these feelings at the back of your mind. For the sake of your PhD, your future and his. As one of the posts said, it often happens that we feel attracted by someone we work closely with. We probably share more with our colleagues than with our partners, at least in terms of time! I would consider your situation from another point of view though: perhaps these feelings for your supervisor point out to the fact that you are not happy with your current partner. The answer is likely to be that you are not, and in this case, I think it would be wrong to rush into another relationship - whoever the prospective partner might be. You need to address this, then focus on your PhD. Then, who knows what is going to happen in three years time.
Relationship + loving your PhD = shutters should have been up from the very start. No flirting, eyes, etc. By flirting you were looking for an escape from something or many things. He could be "the one", also. You (perhaps?) can't have valued the PhD highly enough to be in this position given he's your only supervisor possibility (nothing wrong with that there's more to life etc.); so enjoy it, flirt harder, make something happen and try to nail each other. Lots of fun I'd imagine. It sounds like that's what you would like to do, so just do it
Masters DegreesSearch For Masters Degrees
An active and supportive community.
Support and advice from your peers.
Your postgraduate questions answered.
Use your experience to help others.
Enter your email address below to get started with your forum account
Enter your username below to login to your account
An email has been sent to your email account along with instructions on how to reset your password. If you do not recieve your email, or have any futher problems accessing your account, then please contact our customer support.
or continue as guest