Why is taking your partner's name when you marry a sacrifice?
People seem to get very emotional about the issue (in both directions). I think I would do it because it's nice, but there's plenty of simple reasons why someone might choose not to, and I would hope that their partner wouldn't think it was a big deal.
As for saying that it would create "an imbalance" in a relationship because the man doesn't have to change his name - what kind of a relationship do people have where that would be a problem?
Very funnyBut I think (if I ever get it) I will use the title in dealing with external people (i.e. not my family). It's not insulting to other people: and going back to the marriage thing, if married women expect to be addressed by a new title and name (assuming they have changed their name), then why can't anyone else who's undergone a change in life (like becoming a doctor)?
Also I'm from a very working class Catholic background, where career advice to girls never went further than "So, what are you going to call your children?" So being Dr is something I never thought people like me could get until I was much older: I'm not going to be over-shy about it; though I wouldn't get mad if people didn't use it.
---As for saying that it would create "an imbalance" in a relationship because the man doesn't have to change his name - what kind of a relationship do people have where that would be a problem?---astra
the kind of relationship where you feel that taking your partner's name signifies commitment, or where it actually is a form of commitment because it is bound with costs in case of divorce. then, it logically means that you commit more than he does. and that's the imbalance - you are in a relationship to which you commit more than your partner does.
relationships sadly often don't last forever, no matter how committed you are. a researcher at my centre is getting divorced. she changed her name when she got married and started publishing in her new name. now she has "costs" of divorce that her partner doesn't have. so yes, for us academics, changing our name can lead to situations where we are more "committed" to the relationship (read dependent on it) than our partner is.
i'm not saying this cannot make happy partners and families. just saying that i myself would not be happy in a relationship to which i feel both partners do not commit equally.
i also feel a bit affronted by your implying that this "kind of relationship" is somehow wrong, not good. correct me if i'm incorrect and it was not a rhethorical, but honest question. if i do get emotional about it, it's mostly because people (such as you, maybe) do not accept my opinion which is an opinion about my own situation and thus i expect others to respect it as much as i respect their choices about their own situations.
I just honestly couldn't think an example of how a woman changing her name to that of her partner's would cause an imbalance in the relationship, or really have very much impact on the relationship at all.
Unless, that is, the person whose name you are taking/not taking thinks either:
a) You took my name so I own you now, mwah ha ha (evil laugh)
b) If you don't take my name it means you don't really love me
Good point that divorce could be more detrimental if you've been publishing under your married name and now have to change again, but I doubt this would be great enough to influence anyone's decision whether to remain married or not.
I dare say that men don't think for a minute that they own their wives if they change their name; but I think that women taking men's names continues the (subtle and insiduous) belief than men are wortrh a bit more than women. I take Shani's point that we already have a man's name - our fathers' - but that could stop in one generation, if people wanted to.
Besides, women go through the massive dangers of childbirth: I think they should name the child for that alone
I really don't understand how changing your name to your partners upon marriage, makes an imbalance in a relationship? Surely changing your surname to your partners is the mark of a person who is confident with their own identity, someone who thinks that changing their name creates an 'imbalance' in the relationship should not be getting married if they think that there could be an imbalance at all.
Shani- I think that your view of marriage is a bit dark- not every marriage ends in divorce!
'I just honestly couldn't think an example of how a woman changing her name to that of her partner's would cause an imbalance in the relationship, or really have very much impact on the relationship at all.'
You try asking 50 blokes if they would marry their girlfriends and change THEIR surname... what do you think the responses will be?
'Hell no... that's a womans job to change her surname'
'No way mate, I'm not under the thumb'
'Nah, I'm going to keep my surname and if she doesn't change hers to mine, I won't marry her'
Etc etc etc - I've actually *heard* a work colleague boasting about how his wife said she wanted to keep her surname and he had told her to give the ring back as she obviously didn't care about the relationship if she wouldn't take his name! Maybe there isn't an imbalance in the relationship.. but in some areas of society? hell yes...
Sadly she didn't as she married him.... :(
Some women are sooooo obsessed with babies and getting a ring on their finger, they will give up any of their wants / needs so that they can reach their main 'goal'
2 weeks later she was Mrs and was going through all the hassle of changing everything...
He was an arse - but it's funny, isn't it... people say 'It's a sign of commitment to change your name', 'it's nice' etc... but why aren't they saying these things to men? if the guy wants everyone to have the same surname... why can't HE change HIS?
Oh.. and did you know, if you get married, the woman can use the marriage certificate to change her surname on things.. the bloke can't.. he has to change his by DEED POLL....
Sexist or what? :(
The Dr debate isn't something I've really thought about that much to be honest, but if you have earned the title by doing years of hard work I don't see why you should feel embarrassed about using it.
As far as I understand medical "doctors" are only honourary awarded the title doctor, as they haven't completed a doctorate. Tghis for me is where the problem lies
"Some women are sooooo obsessed with babies and getting a ring on their finger, they will give up any of their wants / needs so that they can reach their main 'goal'."
I find this fairly insulting. I think it's an intensely personal decision what to do about names, but one that often hangs on such a simple thing as whether one prefers their own or their husbands name! The reason men are reluctant to change there's is not a reversal of the situation, such implications as 'being under the thumb' derive entirely from it being conventional for the woman to change her name. Equally some women just marry idiot men (and vice versa!)
However, if a woman sees her life-goal as marriage and babies then I really don't think that should be slated, it's a perfectly noble occupation. In fact, the whole 'bunny boiler' idea is more sexist than many realise -- for it continues to perpetuate an idea that women should be able to manage a career and a family..... whilst standing on her head and playing the violin...
Masters DegreesSearch For Masters Degrees
An active and supportive community.
Support and advice from your peers.
Your postgraduate questions answered.
Use your experience to help others.
Enter your email address below to get started with your forum account
Enter your username below to login to your account
An email has been sent to your email account along with instructions on how to reset your password. If you do not recieve your email, or have any futher problems accessing your account, then please contact our customer support.
or continue as guest