Hi everyone! :-)

Well....I'm currently a 24 yr old mid-3rd year PhD and hate it! Stress, no data, long hours, little rewards, slave-driving supervisor! But my thought is, stick it to the end and it will be over soon...But the reason I wanted to post here is I had a question. First I have to share something...I'm gay. I've kind of known this for many years, but only in the past year-ish have I finally come to accept it. I havent told anyone. Funny thing is, if anyone was to ask me (even my parents) I would have no problem admitting 'Yeah, I'm gay'. its not been a big issue but I wonder if my PhD would have gone better if I had come out earlier. I'm starting to write up soon and the stress is mega mega building, and Im wondering, if I was to come out, would it make things better or worse? One one hand, it would be a mega relief! But on the other, I dont know how parents and friends would react, and the last thing I want is more stress and worry! I'd kind of like to know how others would deal with this - to come out or not to come out, that is my question.

It'd be great to hear others opinions, or if anyone has been in a similar situation, . Normally, whenever I have a problem I think well, WWJBD (What Would Jack Bauer Do?), but unfortunately, 24 never had an LGBT storyline.....

All the best
dontforget
xxx

Hey dontforget! Sounds like you have a dilemma on your hands. I can only comment from an observer perspective really. If it would be a relief to come out and it's causing stress for you keeping it under wraps then go for it. One of my good mates came out as gay when I was in my first year PhD and he was in second year and it honestly made no difference to how any of us thought of him- he was a great guy before he came out and he was a great guy afterwards! We still did all the same things as we always had done, really nothing changed. Of course, he could have had some negative reactions that I don't know about, but I would like to think that most people are open-minded enough to deal with it, and if they're not then that's their loss. Your true friends will stick with you whatever happens in your life, so I wouldn't worry about that. Good luck with whatever you decide :) KB

I have to agree with Keenbean, if you feel not coming out is causing you stress then tell people. On the other hand if you feel it may make thinks worse then you don't have long to go and the rest of your life to tell people. I have to ask - and not necessarily to tell people on here, but as something to think about - why do you think thigs might have gone better if you'd come out sooner? Is there anything specific it might have helped in? Is it possible you are interpretting problems as being due to this, when in reality they may have been there anyway? Having no idea the details of your situation these comments may be complete rubbish.

My only personal experient was my sister came out when she was 21 (I was 19). She decided to wait until she was in a relationship to tell people as she felt she wanted to be sure about things before telling friends and family. I was surprised because I had not seen it coming at all, and we were pretty close growing up! But it hasn't changed how I view my sister or our relationship at all.

Anyway loved your WWJBD! I wonder if Jack Bauer would have got on and finished my thesis by now? I suspect not!

======= Date Modified 25 Sep 2011 12:58:58 =======
You are who you are and you say you don't know how your parents or friends would react. If you do decide to come out and your friends do not support you, then give them time and if they still don't accept you for who you are move on and try to make new friends who will. As an observer, reflect on your parents attitudes towards the gay community and this might give you some indication of how they'll respond. However, you're their child and so they may react differently. They might already have an inkling or they may not and it could come as a complete shock or wash over them. You need to do what you need to do in order to be yourself. Do you have any gay friends who could share their experiences of coming out or perhaps you could even seek guidance from LGBT helpline. However, ultimately, your experience of coming out (should you decide to at this stage) will be unique and no-one will be able to predict how others will react.

I wish you all the best and hope it all works out for you!

======= Date Modified 25 Sep 2011 14:14:51 =======
======= Date Modified 25 Sep 2011 14:09:57 =======

If this is the case then you couldn't have come out earlier because you weren't sure, and coming out when you weren't ready could have made things worse, so try not to beat yourself up about it. You know you're ready now and getting to that point is an accomplishment in itself.

As for what happens now you *are* ready: in general LGBT people I've worked with have seemed much happier and more relaxed after coming out at work- and the same goes for the heterosexual staff they work with. I've told LGBT friends before: you can't go through life acting on the assumption that everyone is a bigot, and diffusing that tension can be better for everyone. I experienced this myself when a colleague finally spat out what I'd known all along and our work relationship improved no end. I had a comparable experience with a close family member- I'd had a strong inkling and we got on much better afterwards.

All that said, how gay-friendly is your workplace and your field? In my last department being LGBT was no big deal, but you may not be so lucky and could have good reasons to proceed with caution. Do you have any reasons to believe people won't be supportive? Does your institution have measures in place to protect and support LGBT staff and students? Are negative reactions likely, and would you be in a position to deal with them, given how much stress you're under now?

You say you don't have long to go- how long is long? If you're going to spend a year writing up it may be worth getting your news out there now, but if you can see yourself moving on soon and, for example, starting a postdoc position in a new city with a new group of friends and colleagues, you might want to use that as the "turning point"- there's a reason a lot of people come out when they start uni.

I'm not gay myself so I'm not going to pretend I can relate, I just wanted to tell you you're not alone, and reactions are likely to be more positive than you think. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Hi dontforget,
Sorry to hear of your stress. I'm afraid I haven't been in a similar situation but wanted to throw some questions into the pot for you to consider...

- you mention you're mid 3rd year, how long have you got left? could you hold out coming out until then?
- writing up (and generally being in 3rd year) is sooo stressful as it is, is it possible that you are looking for possible non-PhD related avenues to try and relieve your stress?
- do you feel that coming out would enable you to successfully manage your stress levels for writing up?
- if you did come out and the sh*t hit the fan (hopefully this wouldn't happen but you never know...) do you feel you have the time and the strength to be able to deal with it AND finish writing up on time as well?

Just some things to think about... personally (and this is only my fairly uninformed opinion, lol) I would wait until post-viva to come out, I wouldn't want anything to jeopardise this crucial period in the PhD if I thought I could manage my stress levels whilst still being 'in the closet' for a few extra months.

======= Date Modified 26 Sep 2011 09:38:49 =======
You're gay? So what? This is the 21st Century. That's my simple answer. It's just not a real issue. It's part of who you are.

If someone does make an issue of it, then it's they who need to be educated on acceptance. It's their problem, not yours. I wouldn't make a big song and dance about it, perhaps telling just your closest friends and family. Other people, it's none of their business.

PhDs are stressful anyway and especially write-up. Might you not be merging the two issues and making a mountain out of a molehill? It seems the real issue is the stress you're under with your PhD. If you've accepted your own sexuality, why is that a big stresser anymore?

If you think it would become a big issue and make things worse as you go into the hardest part of your PhD, then wait until it's over and sort things then. I'll mirror what other's have said that that's what you need to be focussing on.


All the best,


Ian (Mackem_Beefy)