My boyfriend's family celebrates this day and just wondering if anyone else on here does. His mom says it's a big deal in Kazakstan, where they used to live during the 1990's.

Is this a big deal in other parts of the world? If so, how do you celebrate?

Pretty under-celebrated where I live, but I'm going to kick back a couple of libations with some friends anyway.

So just curious, but how different is your Masters in Engineering relative to the Masters in Computer Science? My Dad has an MS in Computer Science from a top school in the US, which is essentially a computer engineering degree over here. Not sure how the programs differ over on that side of the pond, but if it looks duplicative at all, you might want to explain that in a personal statement.

Can you apply straight to a PhD now? Why a 2nd masters? Maybe apply again + a few more schools next year.

If you're a parent, you are already a badass! Now it's just about marketing yourself to a good program :-)

Think of who the school recruits and capitalize on that. Do they want people that will get hired in prestigious positions and expand their network? Do they want people who will move on to a PhD? Talk to the program admins more about what makes an ideal candidate attractive and then try to re-apply next year with some of that information. Check out who has graduated and where they are now. Are they working? in PhD's? Maybe you have things in common with their alumni you can highlight next year. Or maybe you'd be an ideal candidate because you're a little unique and would add to their program things they don't have. Emphasize strengths and minimize any concerns, such as time away from work or school.

I was recently accepted at a top 10 US school for a masters and they were very interested in my work experience. I marketed myself based on how I would round out their program. Their student body was younger, so I decided to make a pitch that being older with more experience would round out their classroom discussions and they ate it up.

Don't be discouraged! Everyone fails, but it's all in how you deal with it. Reapply and don't give up.

I have an offer from a PhD program and was waitlisted for another school.

I haven't heard back from 4-5 other programs that are higher ranked schools. I have until April 15 to tell my 1 firm offer my decision.

Is it appropriate to email a school and hint that you have another offer? Or will this look like you are trying to push/nag them?

(continued)...

He was excited for me about PhD interviews. He asked coworkers for advice on my research interests (if I was interested in X with Prof X at X school, I should talk to his coworkers/friends because that's what they research). In relaying the story, that's how he mentioned that he confided in them that he thought I was moving west.

He paid for my GRE course, sends me links to research, etc. He obviously cares a lot about me and my success. We talk research for hours. Laugh a lot. Have a romantic relationship. Share values, lifestyles, & goals. --> 60%

I'm conflicted because he's helping me, but he's not being selfish enough to tell me to join him. --> 40%

He has cried to me before, explaining he thinks he's self-sacrificing, pushing me towards my dreams, even if it means away from him (which I must admit made me angry). Don't know if that's means he's lukewarm or waiting to understand where I end up.

Also, I don't have a PhD yet, but I think I can imagine how jeopardizing the job you worked so hard for, would put him in a similar spot. Maybe he vexing over the same question "Am I absolutely sure the relationship has a future worth risking my dream over?"

Seems like self-sacrificing love is a good quality in a life partner, but not sure if this is window-dressing for preserving his own career interests.

Someone on this forum said getting a PhD is selfish. Can two selfish PhD have a relationship? A marriage?

Seems like we're both asking ourselves, "do you want to marry this person," and we're just not there yet.

I'm putting the 'cart before the horse', but I have to decide on the PhD offer, so decisions are necessary.

He won't tell me what he wants me to do (trying not to influence me) which is maddening!

Ya like most relationships it's complicated. To answer your question @pm133, "Am I absolutely sure the relationship has a future worth risking my dream over?", that's exactly what I'm trying to work out. Right now, 60% of me says yes, and 40% says no.

The city he lives in is incredibly expensive so despite having a high income, he's living with family to save $ for a house. We had talked about moving in together for some time. Since I never moved, he's still with family & saving for now.

I interviewed at a LOT of jobs in his city last fall, but I thought cost of living would limit jobs I could consider. I started interviewing at high paying jobs but they all required insane hours (recruiters said they were "work-life-balance" companies). I knew I'd never prepare PhD applications with that, so I suspended interviews at those companies.

I asked him in January if we could broker a deal: I would retract my PhD applications and just apply to schools in his area next year, if he would pull the plug and move into an apartment with me. We had a very long conversation and agreed we'd have a think on it. but then I began interviewing for PhD's.

He thought I might move there, because I applied to low-paying/low-hours research positions to give us some options. He mentioned an apartment he was going to visit. Maybe he got excited prematurely and confided in his friends/coworkers? I'll have to ask him.

(to be continued)...

I got judged all the time for having a "real job" which consumed my life for a decade and made me miserable. No one understood that either, and I'm sure they won't understand a job in academia/research.

It helps me to remember that ultimately for people who judge, it's really never about you, it's about them. They have bitterness or justification for why they chose their path and you're lifestyle contradicts it. You'll never win them over, so you'll have to keep them at arms length. If it's not your job, it'll be something else (how you raise your kids, spend your money, what you eat, who knows!).

A friend told me that caring people in your life feel joy when you feel joy for your accomplishments (instead of minimizing them) and feel pain when you are struggling (instead of using it as a proof to judge---in this case telling you to get a "real job").

There's always a good reason for uncaring people to judge you, but good people support you even when they don't understand what you do. Families don't always get it, but they don't need to. They just need to respect boundaries and love unconditionally.

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I saw an uncle last spring and told him I was applying to grad schools this year and he said something brisk like, "when are you and your siblings going to get real jobs? Haven't you been in school long enough?", to which I had to remind him that I'd been working for 8 years and 'waiting' to go back to school for some time. Why waste my breath on an uncle that doesn't even remember who I am?

And when I do get my degree and my . . . ahem "fake job?" I guess, I'll probably have to remind the same uncle of all the academic researchers that made his "real job" and lifestyle possible ;)

@LilyRachel: Thanks! It's nice to hear some optimism! We've had many chats and he wants me to move in with him, but he won't outright say that (apparently, he can tell his co-workers, he's hoping his girlfriend will move there, but not me). He vocalizes that he wants me to get a PhD because he knows how much it means to me. He doesn't want me to give up my dream for him and be bitter later on, but he doesn't want to break up either.

I think he's trying to be as supportive as he can manage, but it still just suuuuuucks to keep doing distance for that long. He's not trying to ditch the job he worked so hard to get, with all the years he spent in a PhD program, and he's really happy that he's getting to use his degree as many others don't. But we have a LOT more flexibility than other PhD's because of the company and the multiple locations / telecommuting, so it seems reasonable we'd work it out. I also think that every job is just a job after enough years doing it, so was hoping he'll change his mind after the "magic" wears off, as he's doesn't have much work experience.

Am I a fool for being hopeful? Does any body actually do distance this long?

4 years feels like a long time to pause a relationship, but a drop in the bucket, when considering the career trajectory you get for the rest of your life.

Welp, re-reading my post, I certainly sound like a love-sick crazy person.

@pm133: poorly phrased perhaps. I guess I meant, I'm not as naive as I was when I was in my 20s i.e. I've dated enough idiots to know a great thing when I have it, but if it's not the strong match I need it to be, I know it's not the "last Ferry", so to speak, either.

@Tudor_Queen: There are MANY questions but the biggest is, do I break things off? Context: I live in the middle of the US, he lives on the West Coast, and the program is in the SouthEast.

1) Do I break things off because he's not up for relocating while I get the PhD?

2) Alternatively, do I try to get a pre-doctoral research gig for a year on the WestCoast, live w him, and reapply to West Coast schools again next year? It would be great to live with my partner again someday soon, but fully funded PhD programs don't come along every day and it would suck to reapply and not get in anyway on the next go.

3) If we try to do distance, am I just chewing my arm off instead of making a clean break now? In other words, do other people successfully do distance during their PhD's? Or is this totally a pie in the sky idea?

Hi - New to this place, not to PhD's. Accepted to school in SE that partners with my former employer. Could graduate in 4 years as I don't need to John-Forbes-Nash my dissertation (good chance old employer would hire me back). Full funding for 5. I'm older for an Econ PhD (32) but damn the grass is greener and I hated what I was doing without! Boyfriend (37) has the same PhD and works for my old company on the WestCoast. He had a rough PhD experience & often goes to a dark place reflecting back. Meanwhile, I've been pining for a PhD for 8 years so VERY solid expectations for how to get out quick and get-the-hell-on with my life. He won't give me advise because he's afraid of influencing me, but he works for my former company, so I give him advice all the time. He might be able to relocate or work remote from SE, as we know another who has while their wife finished her PhD, but it's straining the relationship b/c he's really happy in the current role and doesn't want to move. Year 1 is so bad, I won't see him even if we live together, so we could reevaluate in year2 if I don't fail out. I could live partially WestCoast writing the dissertation in year 3/4. I think he's the love of my life. He knows he's a mess without me. He gets me...and the PhD (on days he doesn't have PTSD). I'm not 20-something anymore, but I'm still a catch. Been together 2 years. I'm not giving up on my dream, but we want kids(I'm more agnostic about how-adopting/foster/IVF if needed). I have callbacks for a 1-year-research job WestCoast and could reapply to those schools after, but I'd be older. Do we keep this crazy train going? Do I acceptthePhDthisyear?

This is a very helpful thread. Thanks for sharing!

Yep, I've a sibling with this exact problem right now. They have their PhD and applying to schools while trying to publish articles in journals. Family members keep acting like the sibling can just pick up and do favors for the family, which is odd when you realize what they are up against, time-wise. I think it comes down to what people think you are doing and what you are actually doing...in this case my sibling is writing all day and working towards a goal, but people who work 9-5 will never get that. I would try to find a way to frame up the issue for your nonacademic family members and establish clear boundaries about what you're up for discussing and what they need to stop tee-ing up for discussion. I think it helps some of our family to compare academia to being a professional writer: just because someone isn't running back and forth between meetings doesn't mean it's not work. For scientists, I imagine another frame would be suitable for explaining to family that one has a job; one likes it; and one is required to work just as hard running experiments in a lab setting as someone with a traditional non-academic job. But science or humanities, you never really win this battle (academics vs. non). At the end of the day, people either get what you do for a living or they don't and while I'm sure the "grass is always greener" people outside academia have the same problems explaining their life to family (artists, musicians, etc.). My advice for all professionals: keep your boundaries, be polite, and tweak their conceptualization of the issue if/when you can.