======= Date Modified 06 Apr 2010 11:08:28 =======
I know this will make me sound like a bit on an internet-dependent loser, but I really don't know what I'd have done without this forum's support. Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, I wish I could send a big box of cyber chocolates to say thank you. Really though, you've given me support I simply couldn't have asked for anywhere else. Today seems a bit brighter just for having aired things, although I'm not sure those sleeping tablets my doc prescribed helped - I'm all muzzy and my mouth tastes of bitter crud!

Ah wally, your poem has brightened my morning, although I'm very sorry to hear you're feeling bad as well. As selfish as it may sound I feel a bit reassured to know that it's not just me. You always come across as so dedicated and on top of things, so perhaps this isnt so damning for me after all. It's an interesting comparison, the religion one, but I think there are similarities. I quite often feel like turning my eyes upward and screaming "My results, my nature journals, why have you forsaken me?" (apologies to any christians, I assure you I mean no disrespect with this altered quote)

Keenbean, I thought of you as I know you've battled with the bipolar for a long time. That's also my sister's current diagnosis so I imagine it'll be considered for me as well. I am debating my uni counsellor, just a bit dubious as they take the "6 sessions and out" approach, while I know this is something I'll be managing for life. I have looked for therapists before up here, but having had so much treatment I know I need someone pretty specific and I worry that I won't be able to find them in this area (last therapist I found online had a website blabbing about EFT and covered in pink swirls and angels - beurch!). But I will keep an open mind, at least through uni I'd see someone quickly (GP list took a year last time).

Keep_calm, thanks for the encouragement, I'm repeating your screen name to myself on a regular basis!

Algae, you're quite right. I know that the guilt cycle, like the anxiety, just drags me ever-deeper. I guess letting go of it is scary because it feels like you'll never work again if you let go of that self-flagellation. But then it's not as if beating myself up has gotten me anywhere great so far.

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement.
I went to see my GP today and was amazed, he spent half an hour with me and genuinely listened. Because there's so much history he didn't feel he could conclude matters, but he managed to arrange a referal for me to see a consultant within a few days (and in the meantime I have some stuff to calm me down a bit). It's still a wait and see but I feel so much better for having been taken seriously, it's a very different experience to prior attempts.
In the meantime I've made a schedule for my day and have even made it to the office.

Thanks Jinkim

I know you're right about the targets. I just have to accept that even the smallest one is better than nothing and stop sitting at my desk hour after hour, expecting an impressive workload to appear. I've got to stop this avoidance.

Hi Satchi
Poor you being burgled! I think I'd have to buy an enormous dog if that happened to me, I aleady think I hear things late at night.

I do try to manage my mood, but when I'm feeling bad I get horribly anxious, and just moving to another part of the house can feel overwhelming (as absurd as that must sound). Sometimes I manage to really perk myself up, but then I crash down again and it feels such a rollercoaster, I almost want to stay down and at least know where I am.

I've been having conversations with myself all morning, trying to persuade myself to get to the office. I know it will be fine and yet the prospect has me rooted here in fear. But I have made a doctor's appointment. I'm not entirely sure why as I've become rather anti-drug over the years and I know that's all they'll offer me. Still, you have to try.

Thanks 404. You're right that it's easier with a stranger - what would I do without the internet eh?

Thanks slizor, that suggestion did make me smile. Although wryly, as I have noticed my interest in alcohol growing over the past few weeks.
I've had weekends off to see family and friends recently. It does make me feel a bit better at the time, but as soon as I'm away from that positive encouragement....... back comes the black dog, drooling on my jeans.

Thanks Eska and Sue
I know this isn't really the forum for these things, but I really appreciate the support. I don't feel I can lean on my husband with this, my family have their own problems, and this weekend I've just felt so horribly alone.

I'm actually very keen on exercise, although between a current physical injury and the mental difficulty in getting out to do things, I know I'm not as active as I'd like. Socialising gets hard when I'm in a bad phase as my confidence just shrivels up, sometimes I deliberately avoid socialising because I don't feel capable of holding a conversation.

You're right though, I know that being around people is better for me, I'll try and work in the office more this week I think. I do feel as if I've never really got a solid social circle here, I join in with things but it's as if I've forgotten how to go from encounters to friends. Funnily enough I thought about learning to knit so I could join one of those groups myself for that reason!

I'll make an appointment with my GP as well, I won't hold out for any pearls of wisdom but it won't kill me to go. Thanks again.

Thanks Bilbo. I feel a bit of a wretch soliciting sympathy from someone genuinely battling the odds, but your support is very much appreciated. I don't know what to do about my mood, mental health has been a problem for me for so long, I've rather lost perspective. Because I can function most of the time and have days or bits of days when I feel better, I tend to think I'm ok. Quite often I think it's all just an elaborate excuse, and that I just need a good smack round the head and told to get on.
Over the years I've rather lost confidence in most counsellors and most drugs, I work on it all myself but it's become yet another issue on which I feel I'm just failing.

I'm a fan of lists as well, today I even picked an item off (although it took me a day and a half to succeed in performing a ten minute task). I know so well that I'm a hundred times happier when I'm working hard, yet I can't get into it. There are so many reasons to be motivated, yet I can't seem to feel any of them.

======= Date Modified 05 Apr 2010 01:44:40 =======
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Advance warning, this is an utterly pathetic, pity thread.

I just don't know how to get back on track. It's been weeks since I've worked solidly on my thesis, I simply don't have the will to do it. I just don't seem to care. It's not that I've been pushing too hard, I backed right off and cut myself slack in order to get past the anxiety I was drowning in. But I haven't rediscovered any motivation, more just decided that it really doesn't matter if I do no work. I don't know if I'm overwhelmed, lazy, sabotaging myself..... I'm completely stuck.

My mood is all over the place, and in the last few days it's been all over the place in a, so low it's subterranean, way. I feel as if I need to massively fight on all fronts just now, my work, my relationship, my mood and mental health. I feel as if I'm drowning and failing on every damn front, even though my life is really not bad and logically I consider myself very fortunate. I feel as if I'll never actually be capable of living a proper life, and that terrifies me.

Any ideas how to get out of this rut?

Glad it's not just me bug! I'm currently writing the thesis in Garamond and just waiting for one of the sups to express outrage. :p

How wonderful that you got that validation of your work, you must have really impressed them!

And it's so lovely when someone goes out of their way to be positive, makes you feel all fuzzy about humanity :-)

Ah, great news algae! I'm sure being with your boyfriend will make the writing up much easier to bear (especially since he's been through it can relate to the struggle). Roll on your relocation 8-)

While I think I understand what 404's getting at, I have to disagree with this. I think it's hard, I think it can be lonely, and I think it's far from my own preferences. But while I understand that long distance may not work with society's ideal of a conventional relationship, there are many more ways than that to live! I have one friend who has been with his girlfriend for about 8 years, right through uni and beyond. They don't live together, not even in the same city, but they are committed, happy, and enthusiastic about one another in a way many couples would envy. I'm actually more wary of couples who ditch their aspirations and sit back, stockpiling resentment under the same roof. While relationships do need prioritising, I think a lot of people neglect the risks inherent in that - if you compromise the rest of your life, you can end up a very different person to the one that you wanted to be, and very different to the person that your partner first loved.

At work I get distracted by people. At home I find distractions (such as endless tea and this forum). Sometimes I like music, other times it actively annoys me. I seem to work best late at night, when I'm too tired to be distracted. The downside to this is that I am then also too tired to do really good work. I feel I have to almost trick myself into writing.