Signup date: 21 May 2017 at 8:32pm
Last login: 24 Jun 2020 at 11:09am
Post count: 81
I have no message of hope really but just wanted to say you are certainly not alone.
I don't feel like my PhD has been worth it AT ALL!! All it has managed to do for me is give me chronic stress, chronic migraines, anxiety and relationship issues. I gave up a well paid management job (30k a year) to get my PhD finished because I was finding it impossible to work 70 hrs a week, plus management courses they were making me do and get anything done on my PhD so I'm now working as a receptionist for a boss that I can't stand, I'm skint and all the jobs I apply for I hear nothing from or I hear the "you're overqualified" or "not enough on the job experience in this field" etc. It really is soul-destroying but don't quit!!
It is hard and depressing but we will get there eventually, I'm sure of it!!
I totally understand, I was in a better paid job before I started it too and I am now working for a total maniac of a boss in a dead end receptionist job which I hate!! I had my viva in June and I have still not managed to get up the courage or motivation to go back to my thesis yet. Time is ticking away and all I keep thinking is tough, I need to make time to sort myself out right now.
I honestly think the whole PhD has been a total waste of my time and sanity.
I can absolutely 100% relate to how you feel, minus expecting a baby in 3 months (Congratulations by the way). I also passed with major corrections in June and have barely looked at my thesis since. Every time I think about it, I just want to burn it. I have so much to do and want it finished, I don't want to quit at this stage but I am so done with it, the thought of being neck deep in my research again just completely fills me with dread.
I am in a crap, meaningless full time job which I took to help me have the time to finish my thesis and get to the viva and because it is still not finished, I'm still working the crap and meaningless job which you'd think would motivate me to work on my thesis but it just depresses me even further.
I don't know the answer, I don't have anything positive to say other than, you are really not alone in the way you feel. My advice would be, work on it as much as you can until the deadline and then submit whatever you have done. If it's still not good enough, then by the time you find that out you will have a brand new baby and the PhD will be at the bottom of your list of priorities but you have nothing to lose by putting all your effort into it until then.
Good luck :)
I can totally relate to everything you said in your post. It's taken me 2 years to admit that I'm really struggling, not so much with the work but with everything you said. As soon as I admitted it to myself and my other half I instantly felt like a weight had been lifted off me. You've taken the first step, making an appointment with a counsellor and I hope you feel the same relief that I did.
My advice would be that if you feel like this so early on - run before you waste anymore time. I am interested and passionate about my research and I have still wanted to run a million times over the past few years. If the project is one you don't have any interest in it will make pushing through the difficult times so much more difficult and by then you might have invested too much which makes the decision to quit even harder.
Just my opinion though.
This sounds just like me!! Only I've gained 3 stone in comfort eating, as opposed to working through my stress on a daily run like I used to (can't run now due to a back injury).
I don't sleep either, not unless I drink vodka or take something to help me which is not ideal, and with no sleep, I have no energy and no motivation which increases my stress and decreases any chance of getting a good night sleep.
My PhD has been a nightmare from start to finish and I genuinely wish i had never bothered with it. I really don't like the person I have become since starting it, I hate being a stressy person and not feeling good enough and feeling like I have spent my life at uni and I'm still doing a dead end job with no prospects, I applied for a job last week and had to take all my qualifications off my CV to have any hope of getting it, it's a joke.
I have major corrections to do and I would sack the whole thing off today if I thought for a second it'd make me feel normal again but I know it wouldn't be as easy as that. It would just make me feel like more of a failure.
How long has it been since you finished your PhD? Did you think it was worth doing in the end?
Has anyone else found that doing a PhD has totally messed with your head?
I was a totally different person before I started this and I don't like this incessant worrier that I've become. I used to have confidence in myself, could recognise my skills, I was a go-getter, I was fun and always up for a laugh. Now I feel like punching anyone who speaks to me, I worry all the time, I have a constant nagging voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough, it's driving me nuts. I just want to feel like me again.
Does it go away once you finish your PhD or am I going to end up needing sectioned by the time I get to the end?
Anyone else feel the same?
I can't offer any advice right now but just wanted to say - I could have practically written this so you're not alone!!
I am working full time with a full time PhD and an enormous amount or work to do, although I don't have a massive commute every day. Is there any way you could move closer to the job in the short term and then you could replace the 3 hr commute with 3 hrs of work?
You are absolutely right pm133, quitting would be the hardest decision to make and the not knowing when to give in is what has me worrying about it, the nature of my research is on traumatic childhoods and at one point during my writing up stage I genuinely felt like I was going mad - I just couldn't get these people's stories out of my head (made worse by the flashbacks and nightmares from my own childhood) and part of me thinks nothing at all is worth sending me back to that place mentally.
BUT I'm not a quitter and I would feel like an absolute failure if I did decide to quit, especially given the nature of the research and how important I think it could be. It's just a constant battle with myself over how much of my sanity I really want to sacrifice and also how bad I don't want to fail!
SShenoy - I think I will take your advice and have a total day off with no plans and no expectations and then try and make very small goals until I start to see some progress. Thanks x
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