posted about 4 years ago
I'm 30 already, I don't know where the time has disappeared to. I was 23 when I first came to the uni, and I wish the end were closer. I'm anxious to actually get started with my life, my career, my future! The university that I attend has not been especially good to me historically - my department has thwarted my efforts at all stages, and as I slowly inch my way closer to the finish line I'm terrified by what horrors the department might have in store next. In my past struggles with my department I've had the great blessing that at the very least the faculty to which I belong has supported me. But I have to apply for a program extension this year, and anytime I have to approach the university and apply for their approval on something I'm rendered paralyzed by fear and anxiety. I do my best to be a model grad so that I can at minimum present significant progress and publication accomplishments with my yearly review and application for extension - but as we all know grad school holds absolutely no guarantees. My husband resents my PhD work so I feel I'm fighting a battle on both ends - as though the candle is being burned from both sides. When I feel as though the end is visible in the distance I feel a renewed sense of enthusiasm and drive. However, delays and the bureaucracy of the process quickly extinguishes this. I watch people I started with completing their programs and moving on with life, I applaud them, I am truly happy for them and their accomplishments - I just sometimes wonder if this is all such an uphill battle because I'm just not good enough. I belong to a grad student support group and recently they did a workshop on Imposter Syndrome, something I very much relate to. Am I just an imposter I wonder... Alright, I'm going to check my e-mail for the zillionth time to see if my supervisor has messaged. Sigh...